Tricking Guests Into Catering, Giving Bone-Crushing Handshakes, Guessing American Mealtimes, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is, quote, "I have a bonkers etiquette situation that I desperately need you to adjudicate. I have an acquaintance—let's call her Lisa. Only recently have we become what I would call 'friendly.' We are not vacation-together friends. We are not emergency-contact friends. We are sporadic, casual, chat-in-the-neighborhood friends. Lisa does know, however, that I like to cook. At one point, I hosted a small happy hour in my home, and because cooking is my hobby, I made a spread of elevated little snacks and finger foods. I also recently hosted a small birthday dinner for another friend, and Lisa attended as a guest. Apparently Lisa took notes. Fast forward to a few days ago when I received an email from Lisa inviting my husband and me to her birthday party. Lovely! We happily RSVPed yes. Then I got a follow-up email. 'Just so everyone knows, the party will be a potluck and everyone should bring a dish.' Okay, not exactly what I thought I'd RSVPed to, but fine. I can bring a dish. I like to cook. We carry on.

Nick: "Then came email number three. This one was sent to me privately. Would I mind making several specific items for the party because I'm a better cook? But don't worry, Lisa would handle the dessert. Excuse me? Somewhere between receiving an invitation and attending a party, I appear to have been quietly reassigned from guest to caterer. To recap, I was invited to a party. After accepting, I learned it was actually a potluck. After accepting that plot twist, I was then privately given a menu assignment consisting of multiple dishes. But Lisa has graciously relieved me of dessert duties. I am a guest. Is this not the culinary equivalent of a bait and switch? At what point did 'I like to cook' become 'she would probably love to provide the food for my party'? And perhaps most importantly, if I'm catering the party, do I still have to bring Lisa a gift? Were these people raised by wolves? Please help me understand how I went from invited guest to unpaid catering staff in the span of three email messages."

Leah: Whoa!

Nick: Yeah. I mean ...

Leah: What?

Nick: Wow! I mean, golly! Why—why is this happening in the world?

Leah: Why is this happening? [laughs] I can't—but also, our letter-writer narrates it so well.

Nick: Oh, I mean, beautiful. Yeah. No, I mean, I was really taken on the full journey.

Leah: I was so on the journey. [laughs]

Nick: So it is always rude to change the terms of an invitation and just, like, assume you'll be cool with it, especially when the changes are these changes. These changes didn't get better for you.

Leah: Oh no, it wasn't like, "You know what? I know I just said it was a birthday party, but it's everybody's also getting free massages."

Nick: [laughs] Yes. It was not that change.

Leah: It's not that change at all.

Nick: Right. Hey, "Yes. And we're gonna pay off everybody's mortgages, and there's gonna be soft serve swirl chocolate and vanilla." Yeah. I mean, that's not the reveal that happened in email two and three. [laughs]

Leah: That is not the reveal. And I love that all of a sudden it's you're bringing multiple specific dishes?

Nick: Multiple dishes.

Leah: Don't worry, she's got dessert. She's got dessert.

Nick: And the private email definitely, like, you are being singled out here.

Leah: Oh, yes!

Nick: Yeah. So I don't love that.

Leah: And you're like, we barely know each other.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, we're not friends. Yeah, we are acquaintances at best.

Leah: I love the list of things we're not. We're not emergency contacts. We're not going on a vacation.

Nick: And also the flattery here is so manipulative. "You're a better cook. Oh, you're such a good cook. Surely you won't mind."

Leah: Well, Dustin and I do that all the time openly in our relationship when we don't want to do something as a joke.

Nick: Oh, you're like, "Oh, you're so good at washing dishes."

Leah: I'll go, "You're so much better than me at changing the duvet cover," because it's, like, so clearly manipulative to tell people that they're better than you at something.

Nick: So I mean, Lisa's a piece of work.

Leah: Piece of work. Great phrase for this situation.

Nick: Yeah. And I guess what I'm disappointed in here is that our letter-writer did not seem to say no. Or do we think they said no? We don't know what they did here.

Leah: I don't think they've done anything yet.

Nick: They agreed for it to turn into a potluck.

Leah: No, they didn't agree. They just got the email that said, "Oh hey, this is a potluck now."

Nick: Oh, true. Yeah. I mean, if I got that email, I'd be annoyed, but, like, I would go with it. Once I'm asked to do more than that, I would've pushed back. And I hope our letter-writer has pushed back.

Leah: I don't think our letter-writer has done anything yet.

Nick: Okay. Well, they are free to push back. They're definitely free to say, like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know if I would have time for that. I'm happy to bring my tater tot hotdish though. Hope that's okay."

Leah: I think we have multiple avenues here.

Nick: Yeah. Okay. Well, pick one street to go down.

Leah: Well, I like the one Nick just went down. In my mind, I think that we could pick, because we're gracious ...

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: ... one of the dishes that she asked for, say it's our tater tot, what was our ...

Nick: Hotdish?

Leah: Our ...

Nick: Tater tot hot—have you ever had tater tot hotdish?

Leah: No.

Nick: Oh, you haven't lived!

Leah: Have I not?

Nick: I mean, it's definitely popular. Well, I mean, hotdish is a very Midwestern thing. In my mind, I think of hotdish as something you would enjoy in Faribault, Minnesota. Like, that to me feels like where one has hotdish. And you basically put tater tots as a layer in your casserole. And then of course there's gonna be, like, a cream of mushroom soup. The friend I learned the recipe from uses ground turkey. You do you. But oh yeah, tater tot hotdish. I mean, get into it.

Leah: Get it. I mean, maybe I'll try it—straight up, Nick. I just made a dill pickle ranch dressing pizza. So I'm willing to try anything.

Nick: [laughs] Amazing! And I'd be curious, the hotdish recipe I just sort of outlined, does that feel authentic, listeners in the Midwest? Or did I just, like, say something that was so bonkers and insane? Like, oh, nobody would ever put tater tots and cream of mushroom soup and ground turkey in a casserole dish. So I'd be curious, like, oh, did I learn a fake recipe?

Leah: I hope that's what it is. And you're just—somebody was like, let's ...

Nick: I've been going through life ...

Leah: Let's tell Nick that this is real. And then he just ...

Nick: I had it, though. I made it once, because I did Thanksgiving once in my home in New York when I was in college, and friends from Minnesota joined me for this Thanksgiving because none of us went home. And they were like, "Oh, we should make turkey—ground turkey tater tot hotdish." I'm like, "What's that?" And so that's what this was. That's in my brain.

Leah: They're playing the long game, and they were like, "One day he's gonna have a big podcast and he's gonna tell everybody."

Nick: Please tell me if I've been living a lie.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So anyway. So I think Leah was saying pick one of the dishes you've been assigned, do that, decline the rest.

Leah: Yes, I think that's an option. A) I don't—I think you don't have to do anything. You can back out if you want.

Nick: You can also—yeah, like, "Oh, so sorry. I won't have time to bring a dish to the potluck. Hope to catch you another time."

Leah: You could do that.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: You could also pick one of them and say, "I'd be delighted to do the tater tot hotdish." I think you could also make a joke here.

Nick: Okay. I like where you're trying to go with that. I think Lisa is not gonna pick up on that joke.

Leah: Yeah, but it's when you make a joke, it's more for yourself to let the air out, you know?

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Because I think you could say something—I know we're not gonna want to do this, Nick. "We" being the royal we. But there is something—there is something to be said about, "Oh!"

Nick: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Leah: I didn't know—I didn't know I was cooking. I'll do it as your birthday gift.

Nick: Okay. Oh, I mean, that would be fine if I actually knew Lisa. But ...

Leah: But she's asking us, do I also have to bring a birthday—no. If you're cooking all these things specifically asked for by this person, then that is your gift.

Nick: So I was thinking let's just do one dish because you gotta set some boundaries in this relationship, especially in the future. It sounds like Lisa lives in town, lives nearby, knows other people because she was a plus-one to your party. So, like, Lisa's around, Lisa will continue to be around. We need to nip this in the bud. So I think we need to make it very clear, if you invite me to a potluck, I will do the one potluck dish thing, which is how potlucks work. And so I don't want to have any expectations in the future that I do more than that. So I would say hold the line on one dish and then bring a small gift. And I think that small gift should be a cookbook.

Leah: Wow!

Nick: I know. I actually, I wrote down—what did I write down? "Is that aggressive? Is that too on the nose?" That's pretty aggressive.

Leah: It's very on the nose. I don't think that we're not holding the line by saying—making some sort of joke about, "Wow, that was a change-up."

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And then say, "Okay, I'll do this, but it's your birthday gift."

Nick: Okay. I think it's up to you if it's easier for you to just make two things or do one thing and a gift. Like, what's cheaper and easier? And if it's easier to bring a salad and a casserole rather than the casserole and go out and buy a gift, then I guess, okay.

Leah: But if we didn't make this clear by Nick's—and Nick used the wonderful phrase, "Lisa is a piece of work." But just to circle back, because you did close on, "Please help me understand how I went from invited guest." There's no understanding people like this. They're just—they're really just operating under their own needs and wants.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, I mean, how to understand? Well, Lisa pushed the envelope once. She didn't get pushback. And so she was like, "Let me see if I can push it a little further. And so she's the type of person that will just push until she hits a wall. She is somebody who I think benefits from having clear boundaries set for her, because I think she thinks that until there's a boundary set, she is free to go as far as she can. I think she lives in that world. And there are many people like that.

Leah: There are just people that do this, that they're just like—they're not operating under civility.

Nick: Oh yeah, yeah. No, that's also the problem. You are operating from a different etiquette playbook, because you would never do this. And that's why it's so jarring. Because you're like, nobody does this. But it's like, no, people do. That's the problem.

Leah: So many people do. And I think Lisa, it's not like Lisa was like, "Oh, nobody said anything about the potluck. I'll push further." I think in her mind she was like, "I'm gonna do a party." And then she was like, "Oh, let's make it a potluck." She's not even thinking about people on the receiving end. She's not thinking about that at all. So that's why you could be like, "Oh, look at that. All of a sudden I'm cooking your party."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "No, it's your birthday gift." And then she could be like, "Oh my gosh, there's actually human beings on the other end of this."

Nick: Because also what's next is like, "Oh, actually your house is bigger. Can we do it at your house?" [laughs]

Leah: "You know what? I just saw your backyard and I was thinking if I rented a few chairs, can we just—I'm just having them sent over now."

Nick: "Actually, you have a lot of nice chairs. Those are nicer than what I would rent. Can we just use all your chairs?"

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I mean, it's really—that's the next step here.

Leah: I'm laughing because that is really the next step.

Nick: It's a hundred percent what would happen. Yeah. So good luck. Let us know what you do, letter-writer. Let us know what you agreed to do and how the party went. And did anybody else experience this from Lisa? Did somebody else, like, bring the flowers? Did somebody else bring the chocolates?

Leah: Oh, I literally was thinking flowers. Somebody else was like, Lisa for sure emailed them, was like, "I saw those beautiful daffodils you have out front. Do you mind cutting some?"

Nick: Yeah. No, I really wonder how much of the town is actually throwing this party for her.

Leah: Also, and just out of curiosity, because I'm hungry, I would love to know what your specialties are.

Nick: Okay, letter-writer. Yes, send us some recipes. We'll share them.

Leah: If it is a tater tot hotdish.

Nick: I mean, that'd be quite on the nose.

Leah: That would be crazy.

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "This just happened to me yet again, and I need your advice. When I get introduced to men at social events, they occasionally grab my hand and shake it, squeezing it so hard it really hurts. I've gotten bruises where my ring sits. What can I say to them to indicate this is unwanted behavior that won't hurt their feelings or shame them, but lets them know that women such as yours truly do not appreciate getting their hand crushed to death?"

Leah: I wrote underneath this in capital letters, "I HATE THIS!"

Nick: Yeah. And this is not new. I was looking through my etiquette library. This has been talked about for generations. Amy Vanderbilt in the '50s, she has a whole category about bad handshakes. And she calls this person "the bone crusher."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: You know? She says, quote, "the grip that makes the other person, especially a woman wearing rings, wince." So this exact scenario, it was a problem in the '50s.

Leah: It's so exhausting. Like, as soon as you feel it happening, you go, "Ugh, here we are."

Nick: Yeah. So there's a lot of different approaches. I've been thinking about this. Some of it can just be, like, how you approach the handshake. So you gotta go in a little higher and you gotta make sure that the web of your hand gets all the way into the web of their hand so that they're grabbing a little more of your, like, palm area, not just the fingers. That can sometimes help a little bit, but I mean, sometimes if you've got a bone crusher, there's nothing you can do.

Leah: I think that a part of me wants to—I wrote next to "I HATE THAT," I wrote, "Can you scratch them?" Like, as soon as they start squeezing too hard, you just rake your nails along the back.

Nick: [laughs] Well, you can just wince and take your hand back like a reflex. That's totally allowed. You could end the handshake early. Do not feel like you have to tough it out and break a capillary because you think that's being polite. Like, just wince. And you could say, like, "Oh, oof, rings!" And you could be, like, light about it. "Oh, so lovely to meet you." You could blame it on your rings.

Leah: I think we can also—you know, this dance gets exhausting of, like, people—it's a power move. I'm gonna squish your hand so hard.

Nick: For some people. Yeah.

Leah: So I'm just—I feel like you could just start fist bumping and go, "Hey, I don't shake hands."

Nick: That's a great point.

Leah: I I don't shake hands anymore because I've had so many men need to, like, prove their dominance by breaking my hand.

Nick: Just go in with that.

Leah: Yeah. You just go in and then you fist bump 'em.

Nick: I mean, that's true. We have moved beyond the handshake. It is totally allowed to greet people with something other than handshakes now. So you can do just a wave, a fist bump, elbow bump, like, handshakes are not required anymore. So I feel like for you, dear letter-writer, if you want to opt out, I think that's totally fine.

Leah: Also—and I don't like handshaking. I did the most awkward handshake the other day with somebody. I felt like I had—I went in—I don't know what I thought was happening, but I did it again, a handshake. And I thought, I really don't like these. But if you do the body language when you're meeting somebody of a person who's not going to handshake ...

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: You know, just keeping your hands, like, near your person.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, you want to have a demeanor of, like, friendliness, openness. So nice to meet you. You want to say that, "Lovely to meet you." But yeah, if you don't go in for the handshake, then I think the other person knows, like, oh, this is not a handshake situation.

Leah: But I think it's perfectly fine to be—you can be friendly and gregarious and open and fist bump, and then do, like, a laugh and go, "I've had too many people break my hands."

Nick: Or you could even, you know, point to the ring and be like, "Oh, these diamonds are sharp, be careful!"

Leah: Or you could do a—what would we call this, Nick? As if they were gonna kiss your hand.

Nick: Oh, that's like an enchanté hand. What would we call that?

Leah: Yes, do an enchanté hand.

Nick: Leah is sort of like, holding her hand out and, like, dipping it down, like you're pointing it down. There must be some French term for this.

Leah: Yeah, and then—you know, then people just sort of, like, they just grab it with, like, three fingers and kind of shake it.

Nick: Well, I think our audience, if I say, "Oh, I'm just giving you an enchanté hand ..."

Leah: They get it.

Nick: You know what that means, right? Yeah.

Leah: It's almost like a paw. At this point, it's becoming a paw.

Nick: It's a paw. It's a little kitty paw.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Yes. So that's—we're gonna call that an enchanté hand. I think maybe that would be a nice thing to try to do as a society. Let's bring that back. And then you say "Charmed, I'm sure."

Leah: Charmed, I'm sure.

Nick: Enchanté. So yeah, sorry about this. Unfortunately, this is not new.

Leah: Oh, and when people do it to me, I have to say—I'll go—it's exhausting.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Or I—you know, but then all of a sudden you're squeezing back too hard and you're like, now are we—are we arm wrestling? What are we doing?

Nick: [laughs] What are we doing? So our next question is, quote, "My husband and I have been together for 20 years, and we share friends and do virtually everything together. Recently, a dear mutual friend's parent suddenly died, which we learned about while we were out of the country. As soon as we got home, I went to the grocery store to fill up the pantry, and when I returned home, I found that my husband had written our friend a condolence card, sealed and stamped it, and he intentionally did not sign my name to the card, nor did he offer me the chance to sign it. Given that I view us as equal friends to this person and that we almost always send cards together, I found this to be rude. I would never write a note to a mutual friend and not give my husband the chance to sign before sealing the envelope. Now I have to send a separate card or else I look like an uncaring friend who didn't send a note. Am I wrong to think it was rude of my husband not to offer for me to sign this card?"

Leah: I'm really happy, because I feel like this is moving into the questions that I have explicitly asked for of relationship questions. And it still has cards in it, which I think should make you happy.

Nick: I mean, that's great. But yes, Leah wanted more relationship questions and Leah? Oh, here you go. You got one.

Leah: Well, this one is really near and dear to my heart.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Well, Dustin and I just celebrated 20 years together.

Nick: True. Okay.

Leah: And one of our biggest arguments to date has been about a card-signing situation.

Nick: Right. Oh yes, I'm familiar.

Leah: So I would be upset.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: This would upset me.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: I think sometimes with our partners, they think in such a different way about something that first we must understand how it is they thought about it to get to the point of what they did.

Nick: Yes. How did we arrive at this?

Leah: And it's a genuine question asked without open malice.

Nick: Yes. We want to be nonjudgmental. We want to be curious.

Leah: Because then we can have a conversation about it.

Nick: Right.

Leah: So I would say, "Hey, I view these people as equal friends, and obviously I'm upset and want to send my condolences, too. I don't understand sort of what happened with this. What were you thinking?" But when you say, what were you thinking ...

Nick: Right. You have to rephrase that a little bit.

Leah: You have to rephrase it to be so it doesn't sound like ...

Nick: What were you thinking?

Leah: What were you thinking? You have to be like, "How did you feel about it?" Say that to them. "How did you feel about this card?" And then we sort of take in the information that they give us. And then we say to them, "You know, I also wanted to send my condolences. So now I either have to send a separate card or it looks like I didn't care." And then we have a conversation so maybe in the future it won't happen again, because they get why we said that. And then maybe we get a little glimpse ...

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: ... as to why they thought it was an appropriate thing to do.

Nick: Yeah, I think that's the way to approach it. From an etiquette perspective, here are things that caught my eye. One is that I really do appreciate the speed at which this was sent. Like, it sounded like we landed at the airport, I went to the supermarket and this card was written. I mean, that's wonderful. That's fast.

Leah: See, this is why I don't like speed, Nick, because it's gone out inappropriately because of said speed.

Nick: Well, yes. Not all speed is good, but I appreciate the idea of oh, we really want to send our condolences as quickly as possible. I like that instinct. Now if you're like me, when you travel, you do travel with blank stationery ...

Leah: This is too much.

Nick: ... so that you can send notes when you're abroad. And so if I learned of this passing while I was abroad, I would actually wonder, what country am I in? How much more of this trip do I have? How fast is the postal service in this country? Is it gonna be faster for me to write a note now and mail it locally or wait till I get home? I would run those numbers in my head. So that's just me. But I do recommend traveling with stationery. Just sidebar. [laughs]

Leah: I know that our listeners know that I'm shaking my head aggressively right now.

Nick: Yeah, Leah feels differently about that. But if you want to do it the way I do it, then you can ...

Leah: No, but I'm saying us mere humans—well, I am letting you know. I left my house. This is a true story. I forgot pants on this last trip.

Nick: That's true. Leah did not have pants.

Leah: I have no pants right now.

Nick: Uh-huh? Well, but I would care if you didn't have stationery.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So okay. That aside, the other thing that kind of caught my eye was, okay it was sealed and stamped. Are there not other envelopes? Rip that sucker open. It hasn't been mailed yet. It's not done. Rip open that envelope.

Leah: Oh, I thought when they said sealed and stamped, it meant it was out. Nice call, Nick!

Nick: I mean, unless there's, like, a mailbox on the corner of your street and it was already in the mailbox. No, I think it's still just ready to go. So, like, let's rip that sucker open.

Leah: My guess is that your husband is gonna say, "I was just thinking about the speed of getting it out."

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: Wanting to get it out. And we feel unthought of, like, of course I wanted to be a part of this.

Nick: So about that. There is actually a big difference in etiquette world between letters and cards. And even if it was written on cardstock, this is not a card, this is a letter. This is a condolence letter. And generally speaking, only one person writes a letter. Two people don't write a letter. And so it is not the worst thing in the world for your husband to have written their condolence letter, their memories of this person, their feelings, and signed their name. Now ideally he referenced you in this letter, but, like, a letter is from one person. And so it would actually be nice for you to send your condolences as a separate thing. Now these could go in the same envelope, but it is not the worst thing for you to actually have your own condolences. And so I don't think you sending a separate note is gonna be seen as some other thing, some makeup, some consolation prize, some dupe. Like, that will be seen as your condolences. And so I think that actually is nice.

Leah: I totally think you could send another card with your feelings and thoughts.

Nick: Totally.

Leah: I think that she's more hurt because she sees them as a team.

Nick: Yes. And I think that's a valid feeling. Yeah, because it's sort of like, what?

Leah: And I think just have that conversation.

Nick: But yes, when it comes to condolences and writing letters, it is nice for the person to hear from you, too. And more than just, like, your name at the bottom.

Leah: I'm remembering back to our—the big fight.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I got so angry that I stood up on the table. And it all had to do with a card.

Nick: Yes. You may recall Leah wrote a very nice card for something, indicated to Dustin where he should sign.

Leah: It was a wedding. It was a wedding that we originally were gonna go to together, but then I had to go to alone.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: And then I was like, fine. And I spent all this time on this card crafting.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: And then this man ...

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: Instead I go, "You sign it here." I'd used our names. He wrote a whole other thing down the side and I just—I lost my mind.

Nick: Right. And that was really about him not following instructions, him sort of doing something that felt disrespectful to you.

Leah: Well, that's the same thing that this—that we're a team. We're a team.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And what about me? And that's why it's important to have the conversation to be like, "How did you get here?" But without that tone.

Nick: Right. Yeah. Well, that's the hard part. Yes. Nailing that. Nailing that curiosity without judgment.

Leah: Because now it never happens again because I get how he got there, and he gets why it's important to me that we're a team, and then now that doesn't happen again.

Nick: Yeah. So Leah, how do you like these relationship questions?

Leah: Oh, I am so thrilled. I'm holding my heart. I realize you can't see that at home, our lovely Wolves? family. I'm holding my heart. Because isn't it all about how we get along with others?

Nick: Yes. No, no, that's why I'm delighted.

Leah: And I really love learning how to communicate well with other people.

Nick: That actually is the key to etiquette. Yes. Communication.

Leah: Because so many things are just, like, misunderstandings, because we all come from different points of view. We understand things differently. And a lot of it's like, oh, just understanding how that person saw that. And then they see how we saw it. And then we find that nice middle ground, and then we, moving forward, get each other better.

Nick: Yeah. This is polite.

Leah: It's so polite. It's lovely.

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "Four years ago, I moved to a beach vacation destination from a cold northern state. I invited many family and friends to visit, and they did. The first winter, I had 16 houseguests in 15 weeks. I am a burnt-out host, so I have stopped inviting except for a few select people. But now people invite themselves. My question to you is this: If someone asks if they can come visit and stay in my guest room, is there a way I can be a partial host? I love having people visit, but no longer want to drive them to activities, beaches or restaurants. I am tired after work, and also want to have a little rest time on the weekend, too. As a host, can I insist that they get a rental car or use a rideshare app and go do some activities on their own? Is there a polite way to handle this?"

Leah: Yes, you can absolutely be a partial host.

Nick: Yes. Also, you can actually decline. "Unfortunately, it won't be possible to visit."

Leah: You can absolutely decline. But I get the idea that our letter-writer likes having people there. They just don't want to drive them around.

Nick: Yes. I mean, 16 houseguests in 15 weeks. I mean, wow!

Leah: I'm thinking about all my friends who have moved to beach communities.

Nick: Well, I mean, the first rule of moving to a beach community: Don't tell people you've moved to a beach community.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Don't tell people. That should be a secret. Yes.

Leah: I think you can absolutely say "You're more than welcome to stay with me. I have work, so you'll have to sort of figure out your own plans and get around. Let me know if that works for you."

Nick: Yeah. You are absolutely allowed to set the terms of the visit. I mean, this is allowed. Hosts are not obligated to be limitless concierges to their guests. So yeah, you could be like, "Would love to have you. You'll just need to have your own set of wheels."

Leah: Yes. And honestly, if I had a friend let me stay in their home, which is so gracious and lovely, and they were like, "You just have to get around," I'd be like, "Of course. Thank you so much for housing me."

Nick: Yeah, exactly. And guests should try to not burden their hosts. And asking to be driven around everywhere? This is kind of a burden.

Leah: I mean, especially if they invited themselves.

Nick: Also that. Yes. I mean, that's so rude!

Leah: That would be—that's just absolute lunacy to invite yourself to someone's house and then be like, "Are you not picking me up?" What? You invited yourself. I'm in the middle of my work. I have work.

Nick: And even if I don't, I don't want to have to drive you around everywhere.

Leah: I think that people are gonna be totally fine with it. They're happy to be there.

Nick: And if they're not, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that doesn't work for you."

Leah: Yeah. "Sorry that doesn't work for you."

Nick: "Bye."

Leah: "Bye."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, honestly!

Leah: "I'm sorry that it doesn't work for you." And then that's it. Then we don't ...

Nick: That's it. Yeah. This is not a negotiation.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah. No, like, if you want to come, you have to be independent.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: You have to be self-sufficient. Happy to provide a room.

Leah: Which is like, they get a room themselves? I'm delighted when people give me a couch.

Nick: Right? Yes. So you're doing great. And also, if you want to decline, you are free to say no to these people. "Unfortunately, it won't be possible to come visit." Boom.

Leah: I mean, you're not just giving them a room. They have access to indoor plumbing. I mean, the gifts.

Nick: For Leah, that's a big deal.

Leah: [laughs] It really is. It really is.

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "I am a Spanish American who was born in the US but lives in Spain. I've been here 14 years now. In Spain, our meals are very predictable. We have breakfast when we wake up, snack at 11 o'clock, lunch at one or two o'clock, another snack at five o'clock and dinner at around nine. When I go back to the US to visit, I have absolutely no clue what is going on with meals. People eat whenever they want to with no set times, and every day is different. I never know what meal it is I'm eating, and I treat it like my last because I just don't know what's gonna happen next, or if I just had dinner."

Leah: I love this question so much that I almost like it as a Bonkers just about us as a society.

Nick: Yes, because it is true. What is going on with meals in the United States? So one of the issues is in the United States, we don't have this midday anchor the way you have in Spain. Like, in Spain, lunchtime happens. Everybody kind of agrees lunch is happening. We're doing lunch. In the United States, we are eating at our desk, we're eating on the road, we're skipping lunch altogether, we're snacking. So we don't have that midday pivot point from which all the other meals and feedings happen. And so I think that's one of the reasons why it's, like, just totally chaos and random.

Leah: I do love it when Nick refers to meals as "feedings."

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: When we were traveling together, he would constantly refer to it as feedings.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, it's time for our next feeding. Well, when we were on a cruise, like, that's kind of what it is.

Leah: It really was a feeding.

Nick: But it is true, like, in the United States, we do so much snacking. I mean, there's, like, constant snacking. And also there's a lot of meal skipping. I mean, I know tons of people, like, skip one of the major meals of the day. Like, I know tons of people that, like, don't have lunch. They just skip lunch or, like, they skip breakfast. And so just, like, the way we consume calories is just very uneven.

Leah: Well, and I think so much is based off of what kind of job we have.

Nick: Totally.

Leah: The after-job schedules we have. I do notice—I spend probably 50 percent of my time in Maine. My parents are meals on a specific time of day people.

Nick: Okay. Yeah. Oh, it's 6:30. It's dinnertime.

Leah: Yeah. And I—it's so weird to get back into it because in LA, you know, I'll eat dinner at 8:30 one night. One time I'll have dinner at four, and then I'll have a little snack later. It's all dependent on the day. It changes every day.

Nick: So yeah, I mean, I think this is how it goes in the United States, whether or not this is a good thing or not, I mean, it's debatable.

Leah: It's probably not.

Nick: Probably not.

Leah: But I do think you don't want to know if you're never gonna eat again. A person cannot live that way.

Nick: Yeah. No, this is no good.

Leah: So I think you could say at lunch, "What time do you think we're gonna have dinner?"

Nick: Or even at the start of your visit. And you could even chalk it up to cultural differences. Like, "Oh, in the United States, I have such a hard time keeping track of, like, mealtimes. What is our plan for the week?" So you have a sense of, like, okay, breakfast is usually around this. We don't do lunch in this house but, like, here's a bowl of tortilla chips. So, like, have at it. And then dinner's at seven.

Leah: I also always try to keep, like, a snack in my bag that's actual food.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: In case I'm somewhere where their idea of dinner was, like, not dinner and I'm afraid I'm gonna starve to death, I'll have, like, a little bit of actual food in my bag.

Nick: Yeah, I think that's very smart. Emily Post actually has a whole chapter about being a houseguest in which she talks about the struggle that people have when they're a guest in somebody's home and your wake-up time is different than the household. So if, like, you're a very early riser and the household's not, then you're just, like, twiddling your thumbs waiting for coffee. Or if they're a very early riser and you're not, and you want to just, like, sleep in on your vacation. And that tension. And so she talks about how you need to have, like, some snacks available if you were up early and just, like, take care of yourself.

Leah: Yeah, I think it's very important to make sure you're—because a person can't—you know, you gotta be able to regulate your blood sugar. You know what I mean? You gotta be able to regulate your food mood. So make sure you're taken care of. And I think ask, as Nick said, like, what's the schedule in the house?

Nick: Yeah, I think it's totally fair to ask. And Emily also has a great quote, which is, like, when you're a guest, the most important question is, quote, "If you are an inflexible person, very set in your ways, don't visit."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So you gotta be flexible. That's what Emily says. Want to be a guest in somebody's house? Gotta be flexible.

Leah: I think once you have the open communication, it's so much easier being flexible. It's the fear. Is there dinner?

Nick: Yeah. Is this it? Is this 6:30 meal we're having right now, is this it for the day? [laughs] Which I think if you're coming from Spain, that's a valid question.

Leah: Or, like, you're eating lunch at 4:30 and you're like, "Are we—is this—are we done eating?" You know what I mean? Just ask.

Nick: Just ask. Yes. Don't leave it a mystery. But I think you do need to ask in a nice way.

Leah: Oh yeah. Ask in a nice way.

Nick: Because it can't be like, "Okay, you guys are bad hosts and are starving me. And the food situation here is inadequate." So cannot have that flavor.

Leah: Well, and also some people eat dinner really early. I mean, it really changes area to area, population to population, family structure to family structure.

Nick: Yes, I think that would be the big takeaway. In Spain, there is a general societal idea of, like, oh, what times things happen. In the United States, that is done at a family unit level.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: So a family will have their plan, but their plan is very specific to them. And other families on the same block may have a totally different plan.

Leah: And that's why it's good to just ask.

Nick: Exactly. So you out there, do you want to ask us anything? Oh, we would love it! So please send us your questions and your vents, your repents, your bonkers stories and everything else we ask you for. Please send it to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message, (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!