Wording Wedding Invitations, Behaving on Trains, Picking Strangers' Figs, and More

Nick: Do you use the wrong words on wedding invitations? Do you talk on trains? Do you pick people's figs? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

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Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Let's get in it!

Nick: So for today's amuse-bouche, I want to talk about wording on wedding invitations. And I just got a wedding invitation, and I was like, oopsy daisy, this is not quite right. And so I wanted just to share what I saw and just sort of like let people know what is typically done so that we all know. And so this is what it is: when you get a wedding invitation, it's gonna be like "Such and such would like you to come," and they're gonna say, "Request the pleasure of your company." Or they might say, "Request the honor of your presence," or "Request the honor of your company." So Leah, what is correct? What would the correct phrasing be when I want to invite you to this wedding?

Leah: I feel like I'm legitimately the last person on the list you would ask because I'm—I love the calligraphy on a wedding envelope.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: The words? If I'm invited, I'm up for it. "I request the pleasure of your company." "We request the pleasure of your company."

Nick: So that is actually what the invitation I got said. They wanted to have "The pleasure of my company at this marriage." And the problem is that is technically incorrect.

Leah: And you're like, "And that is the one I didn't like." [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So what it should have been was they request my "Presence." And this is because the ceremony was a religious one taking place in a house of worship. And so when your wedding ceremony is going to be a religious one in a house of worship, you are just requesting the presence of people. And the idea is that, like, you don't need us there. We are not required to make this happen, but you would like us there, but you don't need our company. And so when it is that, then you are just requesting our presence. And if it is a non-religious ceremony or it's not taking place at a house of worship, so it's like in a hotel ballroom or it's in somebody's backyard, then yes, you would want the "Pleasure" of my company. That would be correct.

Leah: So it's based on what the ceremony itself is.

Nick: Correct. Yes. The phrasing does depend on where it's taking place and what type of ceremony it is. Yes.

Leah: How about if I wrote, "I would love the pleasure of your p-r-e-s-e-n-t-s?

Nick: I mean, many people do.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: That is definitely why a lot of people do go through this exercise is just for the loot. That's true.

Leah: And just be very direct.

Nick: [laughs] Then there also is the word "Honor." So very often, the phrasing is "We request the honor of your presence." And so the question is like, oh, do we use the word "Honor" or not? Dempsey and Carroll, who actually make the stationery that we offer, the Were You Raised By Wolves?stationery, they actually wrote an etiquette book in 1897. And they say you don't use the word "Honor" because we don't expect guests to quote, "Reverence us. Neither do we mean to imply that their presence will be necessary to make the occasion illustrious." So in a lot of the example invitations that they have in their book—and they have pages and pages of just example invitations—they just request your presence, not the honor of it. They're just requesting your presence. But of course, Emily Post, honor is very important to her.

Leah: Mmm.

Nick: And quote, "No variation is permissible in the form of a wedding invitation. Whether 50 guests are to be invited or 5,000, the engraving and the wording and the double envelope are precisely the same." So Emily does require you to use the phrase "Honor of your presence."

Leah: That's what I like about Emily, she's gonna come in hard on one side.

Nick: Oh, definitely. Flexibility in Emily Post? Yeah, right there.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Now Emily would also like you to use a U in the word "Honour" because fancy, you know, to use the British spelling. And I think even today, many people do think that the British spelling is a little fancier, a little more formal, even for Americans. And I don't know. I actually think we need to revisit this, whether or not we should be using British spellings on invitations in the United States for Americans because, like, is it fancier? Is everything British always fancier? I mean, I've seen a lot of Love Island.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I don't know if it's fancier, right? So I actually think this is a debate we should have: whether or not wedding invitations in the United States for Americans should include British spelling. I feel like we should discuss this.

Leah: I still—I mean, I'm still throwing U's in behavior. I went to college in Canada, so I'm just using it. And I didn't mean to be fancy. It's just a byproduct of who I am, you know?

Nick: [laughs] And speaking of British spellings—or Canadian spellings—if you are gonna use "Honour" with a U, okay, fine. But then you gotta be consistent. So when you're asking me for my "favor" of my reply, "favour" also needs a U as well. Like, we gotta just do it across the board.

Leah: Yeah, you gotta be adding U's in everything. You could even throw one in where it doesn't belong.

Nick: Just for giggles? Sure.

Leah: Yeah. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] I mean, might as well. But yeah, I feel like, oh, do we need to be using British spellings? You know, maybe this is something that we can not do in the United States anymore. I feel like I'm okay with that. Because it catches your eye.

Leah: I feel like if you don't do it in your regular life ...

Nick: Well I mean, that's the hilarious thing about, I think, weddings in general. It is often the first time any of the people involved in this event have ever thought about etiquette.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And so it's like the first time they cracked an etiquette book or thought about it and they're like, oh, this is the time we're gonna actually, like, do things "properly," quote-unquote. And it's sort of like if you don't do this in your real life, like, if you're not a U in an honor and favor and color person, like, don't be fancy about it.

Leah: I mean, if that's your theme and you want to be fancy and be like, "This is a whole thing. And I'm, like, gonna do the whole thing by this kind of standard," do it up.

Nick: Oh, sure. Have at it.

Leah: But if you're—it's just like your wedding and you want to have a thing, I think it doesn't need to be there.

Nick: I mean, the whole point of the invitation is to give your guests clues about what to expect. So yes, the heavy paper, the engraving, the spellings, the formality of everything spelled out, yes. I mean, this is a clue to your guests about, like, oh, what is the level of formality of this event? There won't be a bouncy house if we're using British spellings. And so if you do have a bouncy house at your wedding, then I don't think we want to use British spellings. Maybe that's the rule.

Leah: Seems like a good rule.

Nick: I think it's a good rule. And just to toss it out, let's talk about prepositions briefly. There is a question of oh, is it the bride being married tothe groom, or is there some other preposition that we want to use? And historically, the word "to" is used because ...

Leah: Because a woman was being traded for farm animals, and is being given to the man from her father as an exchange of property.

Nick: Yes, a woman was property. And she was taking on his name, and she was becoming part of that family, and so we are now giving this woman away, which is like, oh, we're giving the bride away, ask permission from the father, like, all these traditions come from this. And so you do still see "to" on a lot of invitations. And I think a little more modern would be to use the word "with." And this is actually what you see on the wedding invitations for Prince William and Prince Harry. Like, they used "with."

Nick: And so I think "with" is nice. You do see "and." And some people actually clock "and" as being incorrect because "and" with two names implies that they are married already.

Leah: Mmm.

Nick: Like, if you send an invitation to somebody, and it's like, "Such and such and such and such," they are a married couple. And so on a wedding invitation, they are not married yet. And so it is "with," I think would maybe be slightly more correct. I will say the highest volume of email I do get from people are related to grammar questions, so I am expecting some people who are very concerned with grammar to weigh in on this. I welcome this feedback, but I'm just saying, like, this is all things to discuss and debate when you're doing invitations. I'm just letting you know these are things that people do debate. So don't drag me into it.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But I'm just letting you know.

Leah: Nick doesn't want to be involved. He's just ...

Nick: Don't—don't make me involved.

Leah: ... sharing the information.

Nick: I'm just telling you there's a conversation about prepositions to have, and so you all can have it with your calligraphers and your printers and whoever else. But I'm not at your wedding, so no problem.

Leah: Just remember that bouncy house already has a U in it.

Nick: Oh, so maybe it is fancy.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And bouncy houses typically come in multiple colours.

Leah: Oh, snap! That was my favourite! [laughs]

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep and choo choo.

Nick: So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about going on a train.

Leah: I have been in love with trains since I was a wee lass and I saw on PBS Murder on the Orient Express. Of course, that's Hercule Poirot, Agatha Christie. Love the romance of a train.

Nick: Yeah, I was actually thinking about this. Like, are trains glamorous anymore? Is there any transportation that's glamorous anymore? I don't know.

Leah: I always hear about this Amtrak across the United States of America that's apparently gorgeous.

Nick: I mean, that does not sound appealing. To be on Amtrak for 20 days? I don't think so.

Leah: I don't know. Beautiful sights.

Nick: If you've done it, happy to hear about the experience.

Leah: You could probably get some reading done.

Nick: I'm sure the view is very nice.

Leah: Yeah, the view.

Nick: Might be a lot of corn. It feels like there could be a couple of days of corn here.

Leah: Corn is beautiful.

Nick: A little goes a long way.

Leah: Waving in the wind.

Nick: Sure. So when I was thinking about, like, oh, train etiquette, it does feel like, oh, it's everything on an airplane. Like, it's like that list.

Leah: I feel like you could make a phone call in the not quiet car, if you are not the loudest you are capable of being.

Nick: Uh, I don't know. I mean, do I really want you talking anywhere on a train? Not really.

Leah: I took the train from New York to Pittsburgh. I was on there, I don't know, it's just like a day short less than forever. And I had to make a phone call, but I wasn't in the quiet car, and I wasn't loud. I was just like, "Hey, I'm gonna be there. Blah, blah, blah, blah."

Nick: I mean, I'm okay with sort of transactional phone calls. I feel like those are usually allowed but, like, are we just catching up with a friend phone call? Like, I don't know if I want that.

Leah: Well, I was starting from the premise that it's the exact same as the airplane. And I was saying I think that we can do transactional phone calls in a not quiet car on a train.

Nick: Okay. Fair enough. I mean, I think we want to be mindful of other people's psychic space. So if we can do the phone call in a way that's, like, not super annoying, I guess that's fine. I don't love it though. I'd rather you not.

Leah: You could also get up and stand by a bathroom.

Nick: I prefer that. Yes. Go between cars.

Leah: Go between cars.

Nick: But if you are in the quiet car, then yes, silencio.

Leah: Silencio por favor.

Nick: Yes, let's respect that. I mean, the signs are clear. You probably booked your ticket specifically for the silent car. Like, let's do that. And the idea of rude people in the silent car is universal. I have been in the silent car in other countries where people were talking, and it was sort of like, oh, rude people exist everywhere. So it's not just an American problem where people are, like, yammering away on their cell phones in the quiet car. But let's not do it. Let's just not do it.

Leah: I actually don't even know. I don't make conversational phone calls on trains. I just want to say that clearly.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: But also, like, if I'm in the not quiet car and someone's like, "Hey, I'm gonna be there in five minutes," I'm not put out by it.

Nick: Yeah, I'm okay with sort of logistical necessity calls, no problem. Yeah. Like, "Oh, I need a taxi," or "I'm gonna meet you, or "My train's late" or "What's for dinner?" or "Did you pick up the kids?" or whatever. Like, all of that is fine. It's, I think, the longer conversations, meetings, catch ups, especially if it's, like, not a necessary phone call, when it's clear to everyone like, oh, this call did not need to happen right now. That's, I think, the problem. I guess that's what it is. Like, oh, was this necessary? And it's sort of like you definitely can catch up on last night's episode of whatever later on. Or you could text your friend this information.

Leah: Got you. Got you.

Nick: Right? I feel like maybe that's the line for me. Another thing on my list, which maybe doesn't apply in airplanes, is that seats are for people, not for your feet or your bags. And I definitely am annoyed when you're on a train and, like, somebody has sort of made it very, clear like, "Oh, please don't sit near me because I've really, like, spread out here with all my bags and sort of like, I'm gonna make it inconvenient for you to ask to sit down here." And it's kind of like, "Come on, don't do that."

Leah: It is true. People—and then when they get the four, the two facing each other, and you're like, "Are there four people here or have you legitimately spread out across four seats?"

Nick: Yeah, they've done that. Yeah.

Leah: Obviously headphones, which is ...

Nick: I mean—and that applies to noise that your laptop makes.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: All the little whooshing when you send an email or dings when you get an alert or, like, all of that from your laptop, like, that's actually more maddening on some level.

Leah: The dings really send me. I can't—there was somebody behind me with dings recently and I was like, it's so disruptive to the silence. Ding! Ding! Ding!

Nick: Well, also it's so Pavlovian because we all have the same devices which all make the same dings. And so we're like, "Oh, do I have a text?"

Leah: "Should I be working?"

Nick: And that's, like, your first reaction, right? Yeah, so definitely let's watch that. I had a question about the bathrooms, and it's maybe a rhetorical: why are bathrooms on a train worse than bathrooms on an airplane? Like, the cleanliness level on a train, in my experience, is worse. So what is happening? Why is it different?

Leah: I have had the same experience. I do think that people on the plane are checking in on the ...

Nick: Oh, you think flight attendants are sort of monitoring the situation a little better?

Leah: I think they monitor the situation a little bit and they're like, "Okay, maybe we'll just wipe the sink a little bit."

Nick: Okay. Because definitely the trains I've been on, you're like, "Oh, what happened?"

Leah: Oh, they do feel like "What happened?" You're like, "Did somebody get up and start walking out mid peeing?"

Nick: [laughs] I mean, they might have.

Leah: They might have, or maybe the train stopped quickly. It often looks like the situation happened.

Nick: Yes. Yes. Something unfortunate went down. Yes, very often.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I mean, one explanation I was trying to come up with was, like, on an airplane, we're all in it together until our destination, so there is some incentive for all of us to sort of like keep it together until we get there. Whereas on a train, people are bouncing in and out at various points, and so it's like, "Oh, the next stop is mine, and so I don't care about this bathroom for the next four hours for everybody else." Like, maybe there's something in that. I don't know.

Leah: I just—I mean, not even talking about the toilet itself, but just if I mess up a bathroom in any way, I just pick up after myself. Like, if I was washing my hands and it sprayed onto the counter, I would just grab a little ...

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: ... a little towel, wipe it down. I don't know why—it's very easy.

Nick: Yeah, it's not hard. Yeah. I mean, this is why etiquette is so important. It's just like, it makes it better for all of us if we all just make a little effort. Just a little. Not a lot. Doesn't take a lot, but it is cumulative. Because if now a thousand people use this bathroom and nobody bothers to clean up after themselves, what have we done?

Leah: What have we done? And I'll tell you what we've done.

Nick: Metaphor for society.

Leah: It is a metaphor. And I'll go in there, and I'll assume the first 60 seconds of me being in there is gonna be picking up.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, sometimes you have to just sort of resituate.

Leah: I gotta resituate it. I can't be involved until it's resituated. I usually go in there with my hand sanitizer. What are we gonna do? I don't know. I'm gonna fix it.

Nick: Well, because my fear is always leaving the bathroom, and then somebody thinks that I'm responsible for what just happened.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: And I don't need that on my shoulders.

Leah: I love it when somebody comes out and they feel the same way, and they look at you and go, "This was not me."

Nick: [laughs] It's like, "I'm so sorry. I also experienced this." Yeah. No, this is a real problem. Yes. And so sometimes when it can't be fixed, because there are times when it's like, "I'm not gonna mop the floor."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: There are times when you're like, "Oh, I hope nobody's outside. And I can just, like, slip out so nobody knows that, like, I was the last one in there. Even though it wasn't me."

Leah: Imagine you walk out and you announce to the car, "I didn't do this."

Nick: I have said specifically to people while leaving, which was like, "I'm so sorry that this is how I also found it," and just like put it out there.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Just wasn't me. I was reading some old etiquette books that actually do extensively talk about train travel because that was sort of a very dominant form of travel before airplanes. And it is interesting that they still cover the same topics. So, like, 1800s, early 1900s, the idea of, like, oh, please don't shove people, please don't put your bags on seats, please don't groom yourself. A lot of conversation about this. So also, we have not come that far, apparently.

Leah: Always disheartening. I think please don't push people when we're exiting and we're coming in, it's a nice orderly, give people time to put their luggage up, sit down. At the same time, if you're sitting down, you don't need to lollygag.

Nick: Yeah, step out of the aisle as quickly as possible.

Leah: Step out of the aisle. Don't get on your phone to check your Instagram while you're still in the aisle and people are behind you.

Nick: And then the last thing on my list, which I think also applies to airplane travel, is don't be in the wrong seat and then do that because you actually wanted that seat. Like, if you didn't book the window seat, don't get in that window seat and then pretend to fall asleep, and then when the person comes with their ticket being like, "Oh, can I have this?" And it's like, "No, that's not how that works."

Leah: Ugh.

Nick: And I think this happens on trains more than airplanes, because I think there's this feeling that, like, oh, assigned seats on trains are somehow, like, less enforced than on an airplane or, like, are more casual.

Leah: Well, some trains do not have assigned seating.

Nick: Well, sure. In which case, yeah, take the seat you want. But when there are, like, let's not pretend that, like, oh, I'm in the seat, or if I'm already sitting here, like, oh, you'll probably give it to me if I ask.

Leah: I just—I see those people that do that doing a host of other rude things in life, you know what I mean? It's all the same people.

Nick: Yeah, that's true. Yeah. This is probably not the only problem we're gonna have with them on this train trip. True.

Leah: Of course I do think some people are like, "Oh, I didn't know," and then they immediately remedy the situation.

Nick: Yeah. "Oh, I didn't know I'm in the wrong seat?" Totally different story. But, like, knowing you are in the wrong seat and doing it intentionally, hoping that it'll make it easier to make me switch with you?

Leah: And then fake napping?

Nick: Fake napping. Mm-mm. Yeah. Actually, it is the surefire way for me to not compromise.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Because if you asked and you weren't already in my seat and you were like, "Oh, would it be okay if ..." I would give it a thought. Like, "Oh, do I really need the window seat right now? Maybe not. Okay, happy to switch." But, like, if you're already in my seat? Oh, I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. I'm not gonna reward that behavior. Uh uh.

Leah: I would love to be there to watch that.

Nick: [laughs] I'll film it, and hopefully we can make it a trending topic. Go viral.

Leah: We'll do a little talking heads over it. "Nick is approaching his seat assignment."

Nick: Oh, we make it a nature video. Yeah.

Leah: Yes. "There is an animal sleeping there."

Nick: "And then there's the Nick Leighton in the brush, who has made eye contact with his prey."

Leah: "His prey is ...

Nick: "He moves in."

Leah: "... doing an Oscar-winning performance, pretend sleeping."

Nick: "As is common for this species of rude person."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] I mean, I would watch nature videos like this. Absolutely.

Leah: I would, too!

Nick: All right. That's our next business idea.

Leah: This is our next business idea, or even just fun idea.

Nick: All right. Stay tuned!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "My friend and I go for long walks in our neighborhood for exercise. In the summertime, some of the houses that we walk by have fig trees next to the sidewalk that are overflowing with ripe, delicious figs. Is it impolite to pick and eat a couple of figs when we walk by if we stay on the sidewalk or road and not going directly on their property? Is there an amount of ripe figs on the tree that would make this more or less acceptable?"

Leah: I mean, I feel like we could talk about this, but my initial response, feeling is if the tree trunk and roots are on the property, then what is on the branches is their property.

Nick: Interesting. Very interesting take. So the trunk theory is one approach that actually a lot of states do use when we're determining who owns what. So the location of the trunk is the defining feature. So if the trunk is on your property, then everything about the tree is also yours, even if the roots or the branches extend over your property line. And so yes, that would be considered theft then if we eat some figs.

Nick: The other approach that a lot of states use is the "Down to hell and up to heaven" approach.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Which is everything down to hell and up to heaven. It sounds much better in Latin, but this is actually how it's described is your property. So the vertical line from your property line up to the heavens and down to hell, everything on that line is yours. So if something is over that line, it is yours. And so yes, you could cut down a branch that's overhanging your property. And so if you were standing on public property and something was overhanging, then yes, you probably could pick the fruit and you'd be good. Like, that would be technically legal. But etiquette is not about what's legal. It is perfectly legal to slam a door in my face at a cafe and not hold it open for me. It's perfectly legal to say rude things to me in line at a supermarket. Yeah, these are all legal. Are they polite, though? No. Etiquette is not about legal. If only it were. I mean, gosh, what a world we would live in if etiquette and legality came together. I mean, what a world.

Leah: Whoo! What a—what a world we'd live in if justice and legality came together.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Different show, Leah.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But for today, the etiquette of this is I think you gotta ask for permission. We don't just, like, take people's figs, because I think we acknowledge those figs do belong to the person whose house this is. Those are their figs. Even if they're overhanging.

Leah: Those are their figs.

Nick: Those are their figs.

Leah: Even if they're overhanging. I agree 100 percent. If a fig fell on the ground, and it was off the tree, pick it up. That's your fig.

Nick: Enjoy that fig. But to pick a fig off the tree? Provocative.

Leah: Provocative, yes.

Nick: Because if I am that homeowner and I see somebody picking my figs, that would bother me. I would be bothered by this because you're like, "That's my fig tree."

Leah: Yeah, I really can't see it any other way.

Nick: Well, people want to use the legality, the technical, like, oh, what does the letter of law say about what I'm allowed to do? And so I can see why people want to do that because it allows you to pick figs. But I don't think we do that. And I think we want to ask, and I think a lot of people would be happy to give you some figs. I mean, I think a lot of people who have fruit trees that are, like, very bountiful fruit trees, they can't use all the figs or apricots or apples or lemons or whatever it is, and they're happy to give them away. But you just gotta ask.

Leah: Yeah, I agree a hundred percent.

Nick: And I think one nice thing, Etiquette 2.0, is if you use somebody's fruit, it is nice to do something with that fruit and give it back to them. So, like, if you pick the figs and you do something with the figs, like, give some of that back to the person, like some of the fig bread.

Leah: A little fig jam.

Nick: Yes. "I made some Newtons. And so here is that." And so I think that's a nice courtesy to be like, "Oh, thank you so much for this fruit. Here's a little of the thing I made. Thank you so much." And so I think that's courteous. This is easier if you're in the neighborhood, like these are neighbors of yours. If you're just walking through somebody else's neighborhood, then I don't think we do it. Or what you could do is leave a note in their mailbox, which is like, "Hey, we're always walking through your neighborhood. We think your fig tree is so beautiful. If you don't need all the figs, we would love to take some. Let us know if that'd be cool. Here's my phone number." And, like, maybe they'll call, maybe they won't, but that would be the way to do it.

Leah: Yeah, I agree. And earlier I said if the fig falls on the ground, that's your fig. I didn't mean that's your fig. I just meant I think it's free. It's available—more available.

Nick: It's up for grabs.

Leah: It's up for grabs. It's an up for grabs fig.

Nick: Yeah. So I think that's the answer here.

Leah: That's exactly how I feel. I feel like it would be, as you say, provocative to pick somebody's figs that came from a tree on their property.

Nick: So our next question is quote, "My husband and I threw an intimate cocktail party recently for about 10 friends and neighbors. We had loads of food, ample cocktails, and everyone seemed to be having a great time. There was a lot of lively conversation and mingling, too. So I'm perplexed that not a single person sent a text or call to thank us for the party. Is this not a thing anymore? And maybe I'm just old fashioned, but honestly, my feelings are hurt. I'd love to get your thoughts on proper etiquette, and also how best to set expectations for this type of situation."

Leah: I think it's completely reasonable to expect that if you throw a party, people are gonna text or call and say, "That was so fun. Thank you for having me. What a success!"

Nick: Yeah. I mean, yeah, of course. Right? That just seems obvious.

Leah: And of course, like, not even like that's a lot to think people will do. I mean, even as a friend, I'll just be like, "That was so—" like, I'm touching base about it, let alone being grateful, you know what I mean?

Nick: And I mean, people, the only thing better than being invited to somebody's home for an intimate cocktail party with loads of food and ample cocktails is being invited back. And the best way to be invited back somewhere is to express appreciation to your hosts for the first time. And so, like, just for your own self interest, just to be selfish about it, just send the note. That's it. It is not hard.

Leah: And outside of your own self interest, don't you want the people that made you feel nice feel nice?

Nick: I mean, I'm happy for that to also be a byproduct. Sure. I mean, etiquette is about behavior. It's not about what you feel inside.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So I'm just happy to have the behavior expressed. If you actually are sincere about it, then that's a bonus for me. But, like, just as a base level.

Leah: One of my new favorite things to do with this voice text, which Nick has been the recipient of, is I will sing a little song about how much I loved something, and send it to people over voice text.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. I don't actually think I've gotten you singing in any voice texts.

Leah: You haven't gotten me singing yet?

Nick: Well, I said it now, so I guess I will.

Leah: Oh, I think it's because at some point you made a comment about my singing, and I was like, "I'm gonna reel that in for Nick." I feel like one plus.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Also, I wanted just to mention: I do want to offer one benefit of the doubt Leah Bonnema-style explanation.

Leah: Oh! Come to this side!

Nick: Which is one potential explanation is that all of these people who attended this party did send a thank-you note in the mail and you just haven't gotten it yet because the party just happened. And maybe these people, instead of sending a text, decided to actually write you a letter. And so maybe we just have not given enough business days for the mail to be delivered. I am hoping that is what is happening, that you will actually now receive 10 notes in the mail. Do we think we live in this world?

Leah: I think it's always nice to give a benefit of the doubt. But the other benefit of the doubt is at the other end, what if they all brought hostess gifts?

Nick: So?

Leah: With a little note that said "Thank you so much."

Nick: Mm-mm. Nope.

Leah: And they were like, "Maybe that counts."

Nick: Oh, they may have thought maybe that counts. It does not.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So let's just dispel that right now. Yeah, nip that in the bud.

Leah: But their intention was they felt they'd express gratitude, not that they were so callous as to not think that one should express gratitude.

Nick: Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I think that is an explanation. But I think now that we know that some hosts don't find that sufficient, such as our letter-writer or everybody else in the world, then ...

Leah: Also, that may not have happened at all. I'm just hoping that there was a little something. That there was a little something.

Nick: Yes. And so I think that's a potential explanation, that these notes are the mail.

Leah: Maybe they're sending, like, flowers, or you mentioned something that you liked. And it's—so the shipping is, like, two weeks.

Nick: It's coming. Yeah, maybe it had to be special ordered. Yes. It's international. We got customs. A lot of explanations, it's true. But I do think you just have rude friends. And so I think we want to just rethink the guest list for next time.

Leah: [laughs] Or you could do a group text that said, "I just wanted to make sure everybody got home okay. Since I've heard from none of you, I was worried. Maybe a cataclysmic event happened upon exiting our home."

Nick: "To all of you."

Leah: "To all of you at the same time."

Nick: Oh, I mean, I do love that because I mean, it's real passive-aggressive.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But I do love it because it is technically within the bounds of etiquette and it's technically—like, it's a bit of a loophole.

Leah: "I'm just checking on you."

Nick: Yeah. "Concerned for your welfare, because surely none of you are so rude as to not have acknowledged this party, so clearly something horrible has gone wrong."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I'm gonna put it on the whiteboard. Yeah, I kind of love that. Yeah. So do you have questions for us about cataclysmic events or anything else? Let us know! You can let us know through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently. Or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: [sighs]I'm gonna vent.

Nick: Okay. What's happened?

Leah: Well, I feel slightly guilty about this, so I think I want to talk about the reasons I feel guilty. But—and I thought I could let it go, but every time I've seen this person since, it's at the forefront of my brain. So ...

Nick: You're harboring something.

Leah: I'm not even harboring. It's actually that it's changed the way I think about this person.

Nick: Okay. What has happened?

Leah: So I wouldn't say a close friend, but somebody I know did a fundraiser for their dog's cancer treatment. And when I'm able, I always support people's fundraisers for their personal health, for their pets. You know, things are so expensive, and I do feel like if we all as a community could throw in $5 each, it makes a big difference, you know?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And also, as a—if something happened to my dog, there's nothing I wouldn't do. So she did this fundraiser. I'm one of the participants in it. And then I saw her and she was showing me her full back tattoo that she just got.

Nick: Hmm. Those can be expensive.

Leah: Those are a couple grand.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And I want to be like, if I don't have "save my pet" money, I don't have any other money. I have exhausted my credit cards. I have exhausted my savings. And that is when I step out and I ask my friends who may be using their money that they were gonna use to get a back tattoo to help you.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then to be like, "Oh, look at this thing!" It's just—it really rubbed me wrong.

Nick: Oh, yes. That is definitely gonna leave a bitter taste, for sure. Yes.

Leah: I think it's so rude to the people who—and it would be one thing if, like, her dog had passed on and she was getting like a dog tattoo as a—you know, a memory or something. That was not the situation that was at hand.

Nick: Yes. And normally we don't get involved in how people spend their money. Like, if you want to get a back tattoo ...

Leah: Yeah. That's why I think I feel guilty.

Nick: No, why you are not gonna feel guilty is that you were asked for money. You were specifically asked, like, "Please give me money for this thing. I need money for this thing. I do not have this money, so please help me out." And you generously did that. But when you see a back tattoo, which is expensive, now it's sort of like, well, did you really need the money?

Leah: Yeah. Did you need the money at all?

Nick: Was this actually necessary, or did you just beg your friends for money unnecessarily, and then it's like, oh, I don't love that.

Leah: Also, if you're gonna do that, don't show me the back tattoo.

Nick: That's, I think, the trick. Yes. If you wanted to do that, then don't let me know about all this other voluntary spending.

Leah: Yeah, just keep that one to yourself.

Nick: I definitely want to make it feel like, oh, my contribution was appreciated and necessary.

Leah: That's what I want to feel like.

Nick: And so even if that wasn't the case, I would like that fiction please.

Leah: So I think why I feel bad is because I would always like to give somebody grace when they're going through something.

Nick: Oh, for sure.

Leah: And be like, however you're handling it, it's not my business how you spend your money. But I was asked to get involved, so then it's weird in that way.

Nick: Yes. And I think the problem here is that the money does not appear to be used for the purposes it was intended for.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And so it does feel dishonest.

Leah: It feels dishonest.

Nick: And had I known you just needed a new tattoo, I might not have given you the money.

Leah: Yes. And I think that's half my brain that's like, just give people grace, you don't know what they're dealing with, is dealing with the fact that, like, I feel tricked.

Nick: It does feel like a bait and switch, yes. It does feel like a bait and switch.

Leah: So that's what it is.

Nick: Okay. Yeah. And that is rude.

Leah: Rude!

Nick: Baiting people and then switching? Rude.

Leah: I also almost wanted to say, "Hey, I'm standing here in these sneakers that are too old for me, but I didn't buy new ones because they went to your dog. How is that back tattoo?"

Nick: Yeah, I mean ...

Leah: Didn't say it.

Nick: That would be—I don't know if it's polite, but definitely direct.

Leah: [laughs] I just am like, okay, now I sort of think about you differently.

Nick: Yes, I definitely would think about them differently. I mean, is there any benefit of the doubt here? Like any other alternative explanation that we can offer, which is like, oh, maybe you're not just a bad person?

Leah: The benefit of the doubt is that the dog passed on and you're in a state of grieving, and you went and you got an extra credit card and maxed it out. And I could see that happening, but that's not what happened.

Nick: No, it just seemed like they wanted extra cash for the tattoo.

Leah: And didn't even think that that was weird enough to hide it from me.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that's really the etiquette crime is really just, like, letting you know that that happened.

Leah: Yeah. I was like, just hide it.

Nick: Yeah, just hide it.

Leah: Just don't tell me about it.

Nick: Yeah. Fiction. I mean, it really does make the world better sometimes.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So for me, I would like to vent. And so there is this thing that happens sometimes in restaurants where you sit down and the server says, "Have you been here before?" And I'm like, "Here we go." And so this is their way of then asking, "Do you know how our menu works?" And it's like, okay, how does the menu work?

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And so there's a couple of different ways this conversation goes. The first way is that it is just a normal restaurant in which they are explaining how restaurants work and they're like, "Over here are appetizers. You start with those, and then you tell me other foods you like and I'll go into the back and then I'll bring them to you. And then over here, these are desserts. Those are for the end." And it's like, okay, got it. That's what restaurants are. Happy for the reminder. And maybe it's like being on an airplane where you're like, oh, sometimes it's good to have the reminder that the nearest exits may be behind you. Like, you know, we all fly a lot but, like, it can't hurt to be reminded how a menu works. Okay, thank you. Now option two is it's a tapas restaurant or it's tapas style. It's small plates. And so it's sort of like, oh, okay, that's what this is. And instead of just saying that, they now have to explain like, "Oh, over here you need to get a certain number of dishes." What often happens is that their guidance is not helpful and they're like, "Oh, so you need to get between 3 and 400 of these per person is what we recommend."

Nick: And you're like, "That's a range. That's a very wide range." What are we supposed to do as a diner? Like, how many are you supposed to get? And so I do find that a little annoying when it's like tapas style, and they're, like, not giving you any guidance in terms of, like, what you're supposed to do. But option three is when you really actually do need the menu explained, when it is sort of like intentionally vague and opaque and confusing, and you do need someone to explain it to you. Like, they're like, "First, select your mood from this section and then select your texture, and then pick an element like wood, air or fire. And now please pick your cutlery. Would you like to eat with tongs tonight, or ladles?" And then you're like, okay, I don't know what's about to happen but, like, okay, let's have a meal, I guess. And for that it's like, oh, do we need that kind of dining? I just am not into that type of dining right now, which is like the menu movie, you know? It's just like a little too much sometimes.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Sometimes you just want to, like, have food you recognize. So I don't know if there's anything to be done about this. Maybe that's just why this is a vent. It just always catches my eye, which is like, oh, how will the menu work? Can't wait to see how this turns out. So it's just a vent, I guess.

Leah: I think it would be funny if one day somebody comes out with, like, a mechanical menu and they mean, like, literally, "Do you know how the menu works?" You know what I mean? It's like on a track that goes around your table and you're like, "Oh, okay!"

Nick: Finally, relevant question.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So, Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned that language on a wedding invitation depends on where the ceremony is being held.

Nick: That's true. And I learned that you don't even need to give a second thought about who owns the fruit on a tree.

Leah: I'm really decisive on that.

Nick: Very decisive. Yes. One of the few areas of your life where you're like, firm answers.

Leah: I have a very firm answer.

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, would you sign up for our newsletter and follow us on social media? There is fun stuff happening in both of these places, and we don't want you to miss out.

Leah: And Nick and I are slowly branching out into little videos, so you don't want to miss that.

Nick: Yes, there's definitely more video content, so gotta follow us to find it.

Leah: Please.

Nick: And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: I would love to send out a cordials of kindness to Jean Bass, who brought me from Germany the most amazing marzipan bar. I mean, you know I love marzipan, and this was 10 out of 10.

Nick: That sounds delicious.

Leah: So delicious and so thoughtful. Thank you.

Nick: And for me, I'm to say thank you to my friend Scott, who invited me to the dress rehearsal of the new Britney Spears musical, which is called Once Upon a One More Time.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And super fun, super fun show. It's not about Britney Spears, it just uses her music to tell a different story. And so it was a great time. So thank you, Scott. I really appreciate it.

Leah: How fun!