Throwing Surprise Parties, Using Revolving Doors, Responding to Rude Texts, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "A friend—let's call her Lisa—organized a surprise party for another friend.—let's call her Elaine. I have deep reservations about surprise parties to begin with, but in this case, we were supposed to show up at Elaine's house with appetizers and drinks in hand and invite ourselves in. I feel like it's bad enough to spring a surprise party on someone who may not be ready for it, but to expect Elaine to all of a sudden act as host in her own house is a bit much. I expressed my reservations to Lisa, but she decided to go ahead with it. I begged off with an excuse that I was too busy getting ready for an upcoming trip to attend, as I didn't want to cause a rift with Lisa by arguing with her over this. Was there a better way to handle this situation?"

Leah: [laughs] I wrote underneath it, "Is this a surprise party or is it an invasion?"

Nick: I mean, this is bold.

Leah: Bold!

Nick: This is very bold.

Leah: Bold.

Nick: I mean, surprise parties in general, you gotta know your audience.

Leah: Mm-hmm.

Nick: like, I don't know actually a lot of people in my life who actually would love a surprise party. I think for me, I don't—I feel like on some level it's like, oh, how nice that you thought of me and planned a party for me. But on the other hand, like, I don't want to be surprised. And I feel like you would not want a surprise party, right? Am I wrong? I feel like that's not your vibe.

Leah: I mean, I think we could go across the board and say I don't even like parties. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Yeah, "Just leave the hummus on the counter and then leave." Yeah.

Leah: But I mean, if you show up at my house with a bunch of people, there's a 90 percent chance that I'm in my pajamas, there's stuff everywhere. I'm in the middle of something. I have, like, a face mask on.

Nick: [laughs] Right.

Leah: I'm not ready to entertain. I'm probably out of paper towels. What's happening?

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that was actually my thought is, like, I keep a pretty tidy house, but it is not tidy enough for guests 24/7. Like, I would want a little heads up, you know? And just to walk into my house and now you're in my house? I mean, what a bold thing. What a bold thing. So I think we'd really have to know that our friend wanted this and was cool with this, and I get the sense that we do not have that assurance.

Leah: Yeah, that was my sense. People always want to have their house ready for—I don't want to say always, because I'm sure there's somebody out there that's ...

Nick: Yeah, let's stop you there. I've been to a lot of people's houses where if this is your idea of ready for guests then, like, don't know what we're doing.

Leah: I mean, it could have been, though. It's just ...

Nick: Right? This is your best. Right. Which is not very good, but this is your best. Okay. [laughs]

Leah: I always want a heads up.

Nick: Absolutely. That is not unreasonable. So yeah, I mean, what do we do with this?

Leah: I mean, they've already done what they were gonna do.

Nick: Yes. And I think for our letter-writer who wanted to know, like, oh, was just sort of declining the right move? Yeah, I think that was the right move because, like, what are your other options?

Leah: The other option is we tell our friend.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: "Hey, this person is gonna show up at your house with a bunch of people."

Nick: Oh, do we ruin the surprise? Oh, I don't—I mean ...

Leah: Because what if our friend goes, "Did you know about this?"

Nick: Oh. Ooh, no! I mean, yeah, what do we do with that?

Leah: That's uncomfortable. I mean, if your friend said that, you could say, "Yes, I did, and I told her not to do it."

Nick: Yeah, I don't like the idea of ruining the surprise.

Leah: I don't either. But I also don't want to be blamed for it.

Nick: Right. I mean, unless there was, like, a health and safety issue happening, or unless your friend had made it very clear, like, "Oh, if anybody ever throws me a surprise party at my house, please tell me."

Leah: Yeah, I think in those two situations you have the green light. And I think that if it comes up, you say, "Yes, I did know, and I told them I thought it was a bad idea."

Nick: Yeah. "And I declined." Yeah, I think that's the best you can do.

Leah: And I think the way you handled it is the—also the best you could do. You said, "I don't think this is a good idea," and then you're not going.

Nick: Yeah. So good luck to the birthday person. Hope they have a nice time.

Leah: [laughs] I just wish I could see it. I mean ...

Nick: Nightmare. What a nightmare. What a total nightmare.

Leah: Who's at their home ready to just have a group of people come into their house? "Oh, I'm so glad you showed up! I was so ready to have a group of people."

Nick: It would definitely be a surprise if I walked into my house and 40 people were in my house. Yeah, it was like, "How long have you guys been here?"

Leah: I don't even think they're gonna be in the—how would they get in the house? I think she's gonna go to the door thinking that there's a delivery.

Nick: Oh, it's like Publisher's Clearing House?

Leah: Because people are gonna be there waiting to come in.

Nick: Oh, it's that. Oh, I mean, that doesn't make it any better. I read this as, "You're in my house, and I come home after a long day and, like, surprise, we're in your living room!"

Leah: What did they break in? Now it's breaking and entering.

Nick: Well, because one of the things I wrote down was actually "Breaking into people's houses is rude."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] "Oh, we're just showing up at your door with balloons." Oh, I mean, I don't like that either. Yeah, I don't like that either.

Leah: I mean, obviously with the caveat that, like, say you're a group of five people, and you're so close and you know each other so well, and you know they're the kind of person who loves surprises. And it's just two of you showing up with balloons and an ice cream cake because you know it would mean the world to them. Okay.

Nick: Oh, have at it. Yes. If you think you have that relationship and this would be appreciated, then how delightful and charming. Yes. I don't think that's what this is.

Leah: I don't think that's what it is either. And also, are you giving out my home address to people I would never give my home address to?

Nick: Oh, there's also that. Oh, yeah. I mean, we can even set that aside. I mean, that's like crime number 4,000 on this list.

Leah: I think obviously the—Nick and I are both coming down on the side of we do not like this at all.

Nick: Nope! This is not approved. Mm-mm. Nope. So our next question is quote, "I work in a large office building that was recently renovated. The regular-sized revolving doors have been replaced with one giant one which is still divided into three compartments. The doors now have a lot more room between them, but they revolve so slowly. My question is: what is the proper way to utilize these doors? Should I jump into the compartment with a stranger since there's more room now? Is it rude if a stranger or group of strangers jumps in the same compartment as me? This is something I never would have done in the smaller-sized revolving doors, and now I don't know what to do. Since the doors revolve at a glacial pace, it means we're spending a longer period of potentially very awkward time together. But it seems very rude to wait for the next available compartment since it takes forever to arrive. Please advise."

Leah: I immediately visualize this very large revolving door that they have at the Portland, Maine Jetport.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And it's very big. And I think of it as the same way that I would think of an elevator in which I'm getting in with the other people, and then we're just politely ignoring each other as we all slowly walk in the same direction together.

Nick: So I was actually looking for one of these in New York City because I was like, I gotta demo this. I gotta try—and because like, obviously I've been in big ones, but I was sort of like, I don't remember what it felt like. So there are no big ones, at least in my neighborhood.

Leah: I couldn't think of any big ones in New York.

Nick: And I was thinking of actually going out to Kennedy Airport and then I was like, I love you all in the audience. I don't love you that much to go to Kennedy just to go through a revolving door to try it out.

Leah: Nick doesn't love you enough for an AirTrain.

Nick: Yeah, I'm not—I'm not gonna take five hours to go to Kennedy for this, so I'll have to use my imagination and my memories. But yeah, it does feel like jumping into the little wedge is fine as long as we follow elevator rules which are no talking, let's not talk. Let's be quiet.

Leah: Which I think is exactly what I said.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Yeah. Okay, fine. So I agree with you, Leah.

Leah: These are big. These are very big.

Nick: Well, I mean, they're big. I mean, when you're in an airport context, like, they're not that big because you often have luggage and there's sort of like other stuff with you. But in office, yeah, I feel like as long as we keep as much distance as possible and we have no interactions with the other people, I feel like two people is okay. I don't think we want more people than that though, right?

Leah: It really depends on the size.

Nick: I feel like we could do two groups then.

Leah: Yes, that's what I was gonna say.

Nick: I don't want three independent people.

Leah: We can't go in as a crowd. I also want to say that I feel like Nick does love you guys enough to go to JFK. It was probably just a really tight week.

Nick: Well, I mean, it wasn't a hard no. I mean, I did, like, look at the AirTrain schedule and be like, "Oh, can I make it? Would this be fun? You know, is this a content opportunity?" But it got a little—it got a little busy. And then I was like, "Oh, well, Newark Airport is actually a little closer to where I live." And then it's like, "Oh, well, LaGuardia has a new art installation that I'm actually interested in, so maybe that's a twofer." There was actually quite a bit of research on this, but I have decided that I don't have to go and I can just tell you what I think.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So save myself some trouble.

Leah: I also want to say that if you are at an airport—I know this is an office, so it's different. But sometimes people have rolling bags.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And we're going in as a group. Watch your bag versus the back of the other people's feet.

Nick: Yes!

Leah: Because we're all walking at the same pace, but sometimes people walk a little faster, a little slower, even though we're moving with the door. So just be wary if you have a bag that's on the ground of the back of people's ankles.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, often if somebody has a lot of luggage or any luggage, I might just let them have, like, the compartment to themselves and just, like, you guys have at it.

Leah: But if you don't, be aware.

Nick: Be aware. Yeah. It always comes down to that, doesn't it?

Leah: Mm-hmm.

Nick: So weird. Hmm. So our next question is quote, "I am a high-functioning introvert, and my husband and child are extroverts. Here's my etiquette dilemma: recently, the two of them have begun going on trips together that last between seven and 10 days. I've stayed back at home, and have relished the opportunity to be alone and recharge with a book, TV shows I can watch alone or do other things that are solely for me. Many of my friends, upon hearing that my husband is out of town and that I'm alone, begin to insist on making plans with me through well-meaning invitations. They oftentimes hear about an upcoming trip from my husband or child, so it's not like I can lie by omission. I don't want to be hanging out when I can finally have time alone. I'm an introvert. I don't hate people by any measure, but I do need my alone time. How do I take my days off from the world without offending people?"

Leah: I very much relate.

Nick: Totally.

Leah: I will just sit at home and stare at a wall. I need to decompress—if I've had, like, big social events or a lot of comedy shows, I need days in quiet to recharge.

Nick: Oh, yeah. No, I only play an extrovert on TV. Yeah. No, I absolutely am this. Yeah, for sure. I love my solitude.

Leah: Oh, absolutely. And I can't function without it. I will ...

Nick: No, it's super important. And I think extroverts don't actually understand that, which is like, "Oh, why do you—why do you want to be alone? I don't understand that. Like, don't you want to be hanging out? Wouldn't that be more fun?" And it's sort of like, "Oh, no. I think it's gonna be real fun to be alone and watching Love Island tonight."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] That's fun

Leah: And not only is it just fun, it's necessary.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: For my mental health.

Nick: And "recharge" is the right word. It is an actual recharging. Yes.

Leah: And I think it's very easy, very straightforward. You say, "Thanks so much for the invitation. I've been really looking forward to this time alone in the house. I'll see you another time." And that's it.

Nick: Yes. And you could even say, like, "But we'd love to get together with you when such and such are back, so let's make a plan."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And I don't think there's any feeling bad about it. None of that. If they ask again, say the same thing again.

Nick: Yes. And it is not offensive to turn down an invitation if you make it clear that you appreciated the invitation sincerely, and make an effort to still want to get together with them. I mean, I think people get offended or just drop you from the list when you keep declining and don't make any effort to, like, reschedule or get together. And that's a hint that people do take. But if you don't give them that hint, then there's no problem here.

Leah: And I do think that often we will say, like, "Don't explain. Once you explain, you're losing." But these are your friends.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And you can explain to them, "I look forward to this time alone," so they get, "No, I want this." And then as Nick said, "When they're back, let's all do something."

Nick: Yes. "Thank you so much."

Leah: And I think—I mean, I have so many friends that say this to me all the time. I never think twice about it. I'll be like, "Hey, did you want to do something?" And they say, "Hey, so-and-so's out for the weekend. I'm fine. I get the apartment to myself. I'm gonna sit around and just enjoy the silence." I go, "Oh, how nice! Have a great time. Catch you next week."

Nick: Yeah, don't feel bad about it. And enjoy—enjoy the solitude.

Leah: Have a great time!

Nick: So our next question is quote, "Help! My husband just sent a text to our group of friends inviting them over for a summer barbecue." And then they sent us the text to look at. So this is what the text says, Leah: quote, "Hi, friends. If you're available this weekend, it would be great to get the gang together. We're planning on meeting at such and such place at 3:00 pm to play lawn games and then head back to our place for food and games. Let us know if you can make it." And then there's a bunch of replies. So, like, one person says, "Sounds like fun, we'll be there." Another person's like, "Sounds great, I'm in." And then another person—we'll call her Lisa—says, "Ha ha, we were planning on inviting people over to our place this weekend for a barbecue, so we will have to bow out. But enjoy!"

Nick: So then our letter-writer asks us, "How are we supposed to respond to Lisa's text? We shouldn't apologize or offer to go over there, should we? I feel like that was kind of a rude response, right? This is not the first time she's done something like this, and it is very confusing."

Leah: Mmm.

Nick: So just to recap: basically, our letter-writer is having a barbecue. How nice! Games in the park, and then games at their house? Like, this sounds great. I would attend. And so would a lot of people. But then Lisa texted, "Oh, ha ha, we can't come because we're having our own barbecue."

Leah: And I believe Lisa says "We were planning on," meaning they hadn't sent out the invite yet. You couldn't have known.

Nick: Right. Yes. You didn't know about this alternative event. And I think what our letter-writer is hinting at is we're not invited.

Leah: Well, I'm unsure about that part because maybe had they—if they had said we had already done—we were already having our event, then you could assume you weren't invited. But if they were going to, then you can't because maybe they were going to invite you. They just want to be like, "You got to do it first." And they're being very kindergarten playground about it.

Nick: Well I mean, they say "We were planning on inviting people over to our place, so we will have to bow out. But enjoy!" So it sounds like we are planning on having a party that same day.

Leah: Oh! I heard it as we were planning like we were going to ask. So you're reading it as "We're doing this."

Nick: "We already have another thing planned, so we have to bow out." Because it's not, "Oh, we were thinking of doing this party, but since you're doing a party then, like, we'll just come to your house, or let's combine forces or something else." It's like "We're planning on another party," and it's not "We're planning on a party and inviting you."

Leah: Ooh. And then our letter-writer said, "This isn't the first time." I guess I would thumbs it up and then delete her from the text thread.

Nick: Ah, we would not respond. We would just do a response emoji. Okay. A little tap back.

Leah: Like, "Heard ya. Okay."

Nick: "Got it. Registered. I acknowledge receipt."

Leah: "Taking you out of the thread."

Nick: Yeah. I think because it's not the first time this has apparently happened, then that would be the move, right?

Leah: Mm-hmm.

Nick: Yeah. Because I don't like the idea that, like," Oh, you're having a party and you didn't invite us." Like, don't like that part.

Leah: I also don't like the idea that if you hadn't sent it out but you were planning to, you weren't being like, "Did you want to come over here instead?" Or "Oh, okay. I wanted to hang out with y'all's anyway. We were planning this. We'll just do this." Like, there's no combining forces, as you said.

Nick: Right. And unless these are, like, very different friend groups and, like, you don't like any of my friends, but you're on the same group text thread, so it's like I feel like you know everybody.

Leah: And it seems like a small group. It's not like 50 people.

Nick: It seems like a small group. Yeah, there's only, like, five people that I see in this text screenshot that we were sent.

Leah: And I'm sure if you have this relationship with Lisa, everybody else on that text thread has the same relationship with Lisa.

Nick: Yeah, I don't think anybody else is gonna be like, "Hmm, that's out of left field."

Leah: Thumbs it up, Take her out of the conversation. Move forward with your other friends.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I guess, should we be offended that we weren't invited to their party? I mean, we can't be invited to everything, so I guess we just let that go. But it's noted.

Leah: But we stored it away.

Nick: [laughs] Filed that away.

Leah: In our brain.

Nick: We don't ignore it.

Leah: We don't ignore it. And I wouldn't continue to invite her to things.

Nick: I would think twice. I mean, it feels like a small community, so I feel like it's a little tricky to not invite people to things without causing more drama. But sometimes that's worth it.

Leah: But then you weren't invited, so ...

Nick: Yeah, they started it. [laughs]

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, so there's that.

Leah: She's just gotta go. She's gotta get off the thread.

Nick: Yes. She should be off the party-planning thread, for sure. And maybe she just doesn't get added back the next time you're planning a party, which is great plausible deniability. Like, "Oh my gosh, I forgot that we removed you from the group party-planning thread the last time when you couldn't make it because you were hosting a party of your own and didn't invite us." The last part you can say inside, your internal monologue only.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Yeah. So that's how we do that.

Leah: Yeah, I think that's very ...

Nick: Very nice.

Leah: I like that. We have a very—a full plan on that. We got a text back response. We're deleting her from the invite. We're moving forward with the rest of our friends. We're storing in our brain for later this new information about Lisa.

Nick: Yep. Although this is not new information.

Leah: This is not new information.

Nick: This is just additional.

Leah: This is just more information in the same category.

Nick: Yes, just further evidence. Yeah. So our next thing is a bonkers.

Leah: [yells] Bonkers!

Nick: Which is this thing we've been asking y'all to help us with, which is send us your most bonkers etiquette stories. Send them in. They are a highlight of our inbox.

Leah: Whoo!

Nick: And we got a great one, which is quote, "I just boarded a flight from the Midwest to the East Coast, and there was a woman sitting in the seat in front of us on the aisle in 3C, then a woman boarded with two kids who were maybe eight or nine years old. The kids had seats 3A and 3B. The woman with the kids turned to the woman in 3C and said, 'You're the babysitter,' and then she continued to her seat in the back of the plane. The kids seemed to be well behaved and the mom definitely didn't know the woman in 3C because that woman introduced herself to the kids. But oh my word, you're the babysitter?"

Leah: Bonkers!

Nick: Bonkers. I mean, wow!

Leah: Wow!

Nick: [laughs] I mean, wow! Yeah. I mean, that's—what a—how interesting! How interesting!

Leah: How interesting on so many levels.

Nick: How polite of the woman in 3C.

Leah: How polite.

Nick: Which is like, "I guess I'm the babysitter now."

Leah: I mean, what are your choices? I feel like I'd say to the kids, I'd be like, "Hey, I'm Leah. Does this happen a lot?"

Nick: I would have follow-up questions for the kids, yeah.

Leah: "Is this your mom's go to?"

Nick: So yeah, this is bonkers.

Leah: Bonkers! I'm still—I just wish I could be there.

Nick: I would love to witness it. I mean, I'm glad we actually were there in some spirit because we have spies everywhere now. We have people everywhere.

Leah: We have spies everywhere!

Nick: From the highest levels of government to every industry, every country. We're watching.

Leah: How funny would it be ...

Nick: Somebody from our podcast is watching.

Leah: [laughs] So the lady in 3C goes, "Oh, I'm incapable."

Nick: "Yeah, I'd rather not."

Leah: "No thank you."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, what do you say? I mean, it sounds like this was a, "You're the babysitter," and there was no opportunity to say anything because this woman kept walking.

Leah: How funny would it be if it goes, "Hey, you're the babysitter now," and then 3C goes, "Nope!"

Nick: [laughs] I mean, that feels like a fair response.

Leah: It feels fair.

Nick: Right? I mean, it feels like, "No, actually. I believe you're mistaken."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yes. "I feel like there's been some misunderstanding about my role on this flight, which is not being a babysitter."

Leah: But not being—"Also, is this a cash paid position?"

Nick: Yeah. It's like, "Oh, where should I send my 1099?"

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: "Because we're definitely gonna be above $600 for this." Yeah. [laughs]Yeah. I mean, how wonderful, how wonderful that there is this bonkers thing happening in the world that we get to talk about.

Leah: Bonkers!

Nick: So thank you for sharing this with us. We love it. And as a reminder, please send us your most bonkers etiquette stories.

Leah: We're gonna put out a BOLO, a BOLO for bonkers. Be on the lookout. Send them in.

Nick: Yes. And if you've been on this planet for two seconds, you have had a bonkers etiquette experience. If you haven't, let us know what your secret is. Because, like, statistically speaking, this is impossible.

Leah: Oh, I love that. I love this idea that we have spies everywhere.

Nick: Yeah. Every job, every house, yeah, we have—we have people. You're being watched.

Leah: On the streets, in the coffee shops.

Nick: Etiquette Orwellian. Yeah.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I mean, but in a fun way. So please send us your stories. And if you have questions for us or a vent or a repent, we'll take it all. So please send them to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!