Sharing Casino Winnings, Taking Photos at Landmarks, Honking at Friends, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "Are there any etiquette rules for splitting winnings? For example, if you give your friend $20 for the slot machine as you both kill time waiting for other people to arrive and then they win $1,000, are they obligated to give you a cut of their winnings? And if so, what percentage?"

Leah: I love it when questions are so specific that you're like, "Oh, this feels like ..."

Nick: This wasn't a hypothetical.

Leah: Yeah. [laughs]

Nick: Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. I do believe our letter-writer gave $20 to a friend as they were waiting for some other people and then won $1,000 and wants a cut of that.

Leah: Or their friend gave them $20, they won $1,000 and they don't want to give them any of that money.

Nick: Right. Yeah.

Leah: Because they were like, "What's the percentage? How much do I actually have to give?"

Nick: Right. So what do you think? What's the etiquette here?

Leah: I think that if you're giving somebody money ...

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: ... giving somebody money is a gift.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: So if you expect them to split the winnings with you, if they win anything with it, like, say you're in Vegas and you're like—they don't have cash and you're like, "Here's 20 bucks," at that point, that's when you have to call it. "But if you win anything with this 20 bucks, I get half."

Nick: Half? Okay.

Leah: You gotta call it in the beginning, because after that it's just a gift.

Nick: Oh, sure. Yeah, if you wanted to have some strings with that money in advance.

Leah: In advance.

Nick: And those are the terms and conditions of accepting this money, and we agree to this, then okay. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's fair. We all are on the same page about what would happen.

Leah: But if we didn't call it, if we didn't say it in advance, we just gave them the $20, then it's totally up to them. You've given them a gift.

Nick: Because aren't we giving this gift for the purposes of hoping they might win something? Like, isn't that the point? Like, very often this comes up with scratchers in Christmas stockings. Like, "Oh, let me, like, do some scratchers for the grandkids, and I'm gonna get some lotto tickets and put them in there." Or, like, weddings often, you know, this is something that wedding guests might find at their table, I've seen. And so you do actually do this because you hope somebody might win something, right? You don't do it just, like, to give them something and you hope they won't win.

Leah: Well, and I also think it's a fun way to pass time. Here's an activity.

Nick: Yeah, I guess that's true.

Leah: I think it's nice to tip somebody out if they gave you the 20 bucks and you won $1,000, but I don't think you're obligated to. They gave it to you as a gift.

Nick: Yes. I do not believe there's any obligation whatsoever, and it is what it is. And if you feel like you're the type of person that would be resentful of that, then you should not give money to people for them to buy lottery stuff or use a gambling device of some sort. Like, you shouldn't do that then if that's the type of person you are. And, like, for me, I would be bothered if I gave you ten bucks and then you won $1 million and didn't give me any. Like, I'd probably be bothered by that. So maybe I would know that about myself.

Leah: How much of the $1 million would you expect if I won $1 million off your $10?

Nick: I honestly would not expect anything. I feel like I would want you to do something that acknowledged the fact that I was instrumental in you winning that money, though. So I think depending on how much money you won, like, you know, you're gonna take me out to dinner. Are you gonna maybe buy me something, like, maybe a little more extravagant than that? You know, I don't expect half a million dollars but, like, to do nothing for me would feel a little bold. So I feel like if I gifted you something and you won, I would want that acknowledged in some way. And I think that would be my feeling about it. So, like, for these people who won a thousand bucks, I feel like if we were all together on the same gambling weekend trip, and you gave me 20 bucks, I won $1,000 and we were still together this weekend, like, when we come to dinner that night, like, yeah, I'm gonna pay for everybody's dinner out of this thousand dollars. Like, I feel like that's what I would do with this money.

Leah: Oh, it should be acknowledged. But I do think that if you're the kind of person that you're like, your friend just doesn't have cash and you're lending them cash, you can say, "Hey, I'm lending you the cash. If you win anything, I get to split it with you." But you gotta say it up front.

Nick: Yeah. To have strings with a loan or a grant, Sure. Yeah, you can have some conditions on that. But just know yourself that, like, if you are gonna be resentful of your friend then, like, you just can't be giving money to your friends.

Leah: And you have to say it in the beginning of the transaction.

Nick: Yes, you can't do it after they've won.

Leah: You cannot do it after they've won.

Nick: No. I mean, that feels obvious, but I feel like maybe this is not as obvious as it should be.

Leah: [laughs] It's like calling "Front seat!" in the car. You gotta do it before, not when somebody's already in it.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, perfect analogy. Yes. So our next question is quote, "I was wondering what the etiquette is for taking photos at popular attractions and landmarks. Is it ever okay to walk in front of someone trying to take a picture? Is it polite or intrusive to offer to take pictures of random families or couples so that they have one all together? Should you offer to take it on their phone or on your own phone and then email it to them?"

Leah: I can bang these out. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Nick: [laughs] Okay, let's have it rapid fire.

Leah: Because I live right next to Hollywood Boulevard. So this is my life. I always try to walk around. I just try to walk around.

Nick: Yeah, that's courteous.

Leah: If there's no way to walk around, I like to hold until there's, like, a moment where they're resituating and I can sort of like, do that little run through.

Nick: But how long of a hold is it? Because I actually just did a little experiment myself on the High Line, which is in my neighborhood, to see how long is reasonable to get the shot set up. And I gotta tell you, some people are taking a really long time to set up the shot.

Leah: I haven't had a situation yet where I was holding and the person didn't either—where they noticed people were holding and didn't let us through. So I haven't reached that point yet where it was too long.

Nick: Yeah, I definitely had people, and I timed it. Somebody asked people to hold for 22 seconds. Now if I just sat here with dead air for 22 seconds, y'all would turn off the show. 22 seconds is an eternity of waiting. That is way too long. It's really like one, two, three, four, five. Then that's it. You had five seconds to take that photo, and now I'm gonna walk in front of you.

Leah: On the flip side, if you're setting up, just let people through.

Nick: Yes. If you're not ready to take the picture, no problem. Yeah, just make that clear. Yeah. You can take as much time as you want. It's asking everybody to wait as you do it at a busy landmark. This is—yeah, you can't do that.

Leah: And if there's a way to walk around, I always just walk around.

Nick: Yeah. Don't go out of your way to ruin their shot. Yes. Now what about taking pictures of people?

Leah: If there's, like, a huge group and I'm walking by, often I sometimes feel like people are kind of looking around them. You know, they're doing that, like, "Is there, like, a subtle way I can ask somebody," you know? and then you're like, "I'll do it."

Nick: Okay. You volunteer as tribute.

Leah: I will volunteer as tribute. And I'm using their phone.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I'm not using my phone and emailing. We're not exchanging information in any way.

Nick: Also, yeah. Also, take pictures of another family on your phone? Like, don't love that idea that, like, oh, you're taking pictures of my family and now you have a picture of my family.

Leah: Well, and I have your email address.

Nick: And now have your contact information. Yeah, that's—that's—I feel like, at least as a New Yorker, that feels a little too far.

Leah: I would just use their phone, and I—and then I think it's I think it's lovely to offer.

Nick: Yeah, I think if it feels like they're kind of doing a round robin-y thing, like, "Oh, one with you in it, and now, like, one with me in it," and, like, it's a larger family, and you could, like, get them all together, yeah, you could offer. Yeah. "Do you want me to get one of all of you?"

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And then they'll be like, "Oh, that'd be great."

Leah: That's exactly the tone. "Did you want me to get one of all of you?"

Nick: Yeah. Very high, very light. And I think if somebody asks you to take a photo of them, I think you say yes. I mean, it's really hard to decline unless you have a really good reason. Like, I actually was at MoMA the other day, and somebody asked somebody to take a picture of them in front of something and the person said no. And it wasn't that they were, like, busy. They just, like, wanted to look at other artwork. And then I saw this happening, and I was like, "I got you. Like, no problem." And so I did it. But it's sort of like, oh, that's—wow, I've never heard somebody ...

Leah: That's wild!

Nick: [laughs] It was really wild.

Leah: I had the funnest experience. This has happened to me more than once, so I may have spoken about it before, but because I am on Hollywood Boulevard, I'll get a lot of teenagers.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: And then now you take one photo—you're walking. "Hey, can you take—" "Sure!" And then they'll be like—they'll look at them, and then they want to redo them all.

Nick: Oh, they weren't good enough.

Leah: Because they're doing Instagram, and they want everybody to look right.

Nick: I see.

Leah: You know what I mean? They want—you're like, "I'm a professional photographer."

Nick: Oh, they had notes for you. Yeah.

Leah: Which I don't mind. I think it's funny, but I do think now that the game has gotten so much—it's really elevated what people want from their pictures.

Nick: That's true. I mean, I did at MoMA ask, like, "Oh, do you want it vertical or horizontal? And what's the framing?" I did ask, because they looked like the sort that this is going on social media pretty quickly.

Leah: [laughs] Yes.

Nick: So I do want to nail the framing that you need for your followers. But yeah, I think—I don't think we give notes. I feel like if somebody took the picture, that's the picture, and if you need it done again, then I think we ask somebody else. I think we let that first person go.

Leah: I think it's very fun—I always say "Vertical or horizontal?" too, because it's a totally different picture.

Nick: Yeah, although in Instagram it all gets square. So, like, what difference does it make?

Leah: I mean ...

Nick: [laughs] It matters. Fine, it matters.

Leah: I didn't mind doing it over just because it really gave me a giggle.

Nick: I mean, that's very nice of you, but I feel like we want to be mindful of people's time. And so let's be mindful of this stranger who we've already sort of inconvenienced how much time we're taking.

Leah: Yeah. So I also think we can give very specific directions, "Hey, can you get a horizontal of us? And we want to make sure this Santa Claus is in the background." So I know what I'm going for.

Nick: Yes, I like a little specificity, but I feel like if we get too far, then it's like, oh, how specific do we need to get?

Leah: That's true.

Nick: Like, "Oh, I need you to have a 30-degree angle, and we need to make sure we get a little solar flare in the background, and make sure we crop out this."

Leah: Yeah, "Can you get the sun just so?"

Nick: It's like, you're gonna get the photo you're gonna get.

Leah: But I think if you have one request, if somebody comes over, "Hey, do you want to take this picture?" "Oh, that would be great." "Can you do above the waist?" I think that's fine.

Nick: Yeah. I think if you could say it succinctly in one sentence, and be like, "Oh, thank you so much. Please do vertical above the waist." Done. Great.

Leah: Yeah. Or "Thank you so much. We're trying to get this behind us." So they know that it's more about the thing.

Nick: Right. Yeah. "Oh, please make sure you get the whole Eiffel Tower in there."

Leah: Oh, just recently—who was I with? It was so funny. This girl stopped me and asked me to take a picture. I assumed she wanted to get the Hollywood Walk of Fame in the picture.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: So I went to take that picture and she goes, "Oh, no, no, no. I want the Target dog."

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: So had she not given me that, I never would have known we were taking a picture of the Target dog.

Nick: Yeah, that would not come to mind.

Leah: So I needed that direction.

Nick: And she should have come out of the gate with that.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I don't feel like we just assume, oh, I'm standing on Hollywood Boulevard. Target Dog is the thing.

Leah: I mean, in her world that's what people wanted. So who am I to have thought we wanted the stars?

Nick: Yeah. No, we hope she's trending on Instagram right now. So our next question is quote, "I live in a high rise condominium building in a major city. I've lived here for about 15 years now, and I've spent some time as the board president, and generally pride myself on knowing my neighbors and being friendly. When I see someone in the elevator that I don't know, I want to introduce myself, but only if they're a resident in the building, not a delivery person or a visitor. Is it rude for me to ask, 'Do you live in the building' before I launch into my introduction? And then what do I say to them if they say no. I don't want to sound like a busybody."

Leah: I was excited for your answer to this because I know that you don't want any talking in elevators at all.

Nick: [laughs] I mean, certainly there's that as a baseline. No. I mean, what I wrote down was, "But you are, Blanche. You are that chair."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: You are kind of a busybody. Yeah, you kind of want to know people's business and, like, that's fine, but just like, own it. So I feel like if you want to know who's coming and going, I think you just say hello to everybody and say, like, "Oh, hello, I'm Lisa. I live on the 17th floor," and then leave it to them to be like, "Oh, I just moved in to nine," or, like, "I'm just visiting," or, like, ""This is a salad I'm delivering." And just, like, let them have the conversation. So that's how I would do it. I don't think I would want to try and figure out who's who.

Leah: I a hundred percent agree. I think it might make people feel a certain way if you start with, "Do you live here?"

Nick: Oh, absolutely. Yes, absolutely it's gonna make people feel a certain way, which is not a good way.

Leah: So I think that's perfect to start with introducing yourself, and they can take it wherever they want.

Nick: Yeah. And also, like, in a building like this and you've been there for that long, do you not know who's coming and going? And do you not have a relationship with, like, the doorman? I assume there's a doorman in this building. The door people know everything. They got the gossip. They can tell you who's new, who's coming and going. So, like, you could probably figure out who's new if you need to.

Leah: I also don't think we want to make people who don't live there feel like you don't want to talk to them if they don't live there.

Nick: Yeah, I don't love that. Yeah, I don't love that. Like, if we're gonna be friendly, let's just be friendly.

Leah: Yeah, let's be friendly to everybody.

Nick: Also I mean, I know in my building—I've lived in my building for a thousand years—like, people have a vibe if they live there, if they're coming home or if they're visiting. Like, if you're coming home from work and you're, like, checking mail and you kind of have that, like, oh, I've had a long day vibe, you're like, "You probably live here." And if you have, like, a little spring in your step and you're, like, not sure which way to exit out of the elevator, like, you're probably visiting. So, like, you can kind of figure out who's who, too.

Leah: I also recently had—I was sitting out by the pool, and there was a couple of other people sitting by the pool, and a woman came out and introduced herself in a way to sort of be like, "Which one of you lives here?"

Nick: Oh.

Leah: And the tone did not land well.

Nick: Yeah, because then it's sort of like, "Oh, I just want to see if you don't belong."

Leah: Yeah, it came off that way. So I think that's what you don't—which I don't think our letter-writer is trying to get that vibe.

Nick: No.

Leah: They want to see, like, "Oh, I want to introduce myself to the neighbors." So I think just be wary because sometimes that comes off as something you didn't mean.

Nick: Yes. No, I think our letter-writer is not intending that. It's just like, "Oh, I only want to, like, bother sort of interrupting someone if they live here and, like, if they don't live here, then I just want to leave them alone. I think that's probably more the vibe.

Leah: I think that's definitely their vibe. That's why I think you could just be like, "Hey," and introduce yourself.

Nick: Or we can just not talk in elevators, which is my preference. So let's maybe do that.

Leah: I knew that was your preference. That's why I was—I was like, "This is gonna be a real short answer coming from Nick."

Nick: Yeah, like, let's just not talk. No. So our next question is, quote, "I live on a quiet, dead end road in the suburbs, and sometimes when our friends come to visit, they will honk when they pull into the driveway. Just last weekend, we had friends visit and they honked not once or twice, but a quick beep, beep, beep, beep, beep when they arrived."—that's five beeps—"I find honking for any reason other than to avoid an accident obnoxious, especially in this quiet neighborhood. Is this acceptable behavior, or can I ask them not to do this?"

Leah: I think if you have a friend coming to meet you ...

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: ... you can say, "Hey, when you get here, can you just text me that you're here? Because there's a—we're trying—" what is that called when it's like a silent, no honking neighborhood?

Nick: I think most neighborhoods people want to live in?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: [laughs] I don't know. Is there a specific term for this?

Leah: No, there is—there's signs. I'll see signs in places for, like, no honking.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Residential area, no honking.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I think you can just say if your friend comes, "Hey, when you get here, can you text me because it's—" and make it very non judgmental and just you're giving them information. It's a non-honking area.

Nick: Or I mean, do we even need to text? Like, you've already showed up to my house. So, like, just knock on the door when you get here.

Leah: Maybe they don't want to get out of the car. I think they don't need a text. They obviously know when someone's in their driveway, but that way you're letting them know if you feel the need to let me know that you're here, don't honk, text.

Nick: The thing I was thinking of: let's just throw the neighbors under the bus. You know, just make it a neighbor thing. Like, "Oh, we have neighbors that are very sensitive to noise. So, like, when you come, like, don't honk, just, like, roll up silently."

Leah: But I think we don't need to announce it until somebody's coming. Like, I wouldn't go back and text everybody who's ever honked and say, "Hey, moving forward ..."

Nick: Oh, right. Yes. No.

Leah: I would wait until it comes up again.

Nick: Yes. We don't want to make it seem like a, "Oh, the last time you came, this was a problem, so I want to remind you not to do that the next time you're invited, which is not now, but just, like, when you are in the future, just like so you know."

Leah: "Because I'm still thinking about it and it makes me just dislike you." [laughs]

Nick: Yes. Yeah, I think we want to say it in a way that's obviously value neutral, non-judgmental and does not reference the past. Yeah, I think that's key. It's just like, "Oh."

Leah: Yeah, it's just like, "When you come next time."

Nick: Yeah, "When you come, oh just, you know, text me when you get here or, like, don't honk if you can because, you know, it's a quiet neighborhood and so we want to be mindful of the neighbors."

Leah: I mean, that sounds perfect to me.

Nick: Yeah. So is this acceptable behavior? I mean, of all the etiquette crimes, some friendly beeping, it's not the worst thing in the world. But can you ask them not to do it? Yeah, absolutely.

Leah: Boom! Beep beep!

Nick: Boom. So our next thing is a bonkers etiquette story. So I have been asking all of you to send me your most bonkers etiquette stories, and oh, we've gotten some great stories, so please keep those coming because, oh, it's a highlight of my inbox. So if something's happened to you that has been bonkers, please write it down, email it to me. We'd love to see it.

Nick: And so for today, it is quote, "Some years back, my husband and I were living temporarily in London. His stepmother, who had always been a bit of a challenge, called us to inform us she'd be visiting from Canada—not asking, telling. We thought we were being very polite in quietly tolerating this and said it was fine. A few weeks before the visit, I get a call from a strange woman to ask me about my precise address. It turns out his stepmother had invited a friend of hers whom we'd never heard about before, let alone met, and her daughter to come stay at our apartment with us at the same time. You can imagine this poor stranger's discomfort when she realized I had no idea what she was talking about.

Nick: "We had a polite-yet-direct conversation with my step mother-in-law to let her know that our flat was very small, and there wasn't any room for her friends. The call ended with her in a bit of a huff. The day of her visit arrives and she no shows—never called and never emailed to let us know she wouldn't be staying with us after all. When I think of someone inviting two strangers to stay in her home without asking you first, I just hear Leah saying, 'Who does that?'"

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I mean, this is bonkers.

Leah: Bonkers!

Nick: This is a bonkers etiquette story. Like, what—what is happening here?

Leah: It was already bonkers to start with.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Just being like, "This is what I'm coming." Any major city, you know the apartments are small. "I'm just coming. Showing up?"

Nick: [laughs] Yes. To invite yourself is always rude. So, like, right there, oh, it's trouble.

Leah: We started up and then we next leveled it. We next leveled it.

Nick: I mean, that is a next level. Yeah. "I'm gonna invite people you've never met and not tell you about, and they're gonna call you asking you for your address. Oh, and I gave them your phone number." So that's fun. Yeah. Just, like, give my phone number out.

Leah: Oh, give my information to everybody, and then when I tell you, "Hey, you can't—you know, don't invite people that—there's no room for these people that we don't know, that we didn't even know you were inviting at our apartment," and then you get mad at us.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then don't tell us that you're not coming when we've obviously made plans.

Nick: I mean, what icing on the cake. Yeah, just to no show at all. I mean, that's bold. That's real bold.

Leah: This is when I feel like you gotta do an open mic. You know what I mean? You just gotta go to, like, a some kind of comedy open mic or start a blog just to, like, let it out. [laughs]

Nick: I mean, yeah. What do we do with this? Like, what do we do with this type of person in the world? Is there anything that can be done?

Leah: There's nothing that can be done.

Nick: Or is this hopeless? Maybe this is hopeless.

Leah: It's almost like—I mean, what you can do is send it to us.

Nick: That's right. Yeah. We're happy to get this letter.

Leah: And then it's sort of like a now everybody listening will also be like, "What?" at the same time. So it may be sort of like a collective relieving.

Nick: It's a group catharsis.

Leah: Yes, a group catharsis.

Nick: But I mean, I was delighted to receive this email.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So thank you for sending it to me.

Leah: Bonkers!

Nick: Bonkers.

Leah: I think that's what we should call this segment, because we've got Aftermath, we've—you know, we have all this. We could just call this when we go Bonkers!

Nick: I mean, that's great. Yeah. All right.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: As it is written, so it shall be done.

Leah: So it shall be done. Bonkers!

Nick: So send us your bonkers story. We would love it. And if you don't have one then, like, tell me your secret. Because you're doing something right if you've gone through life and you have no bonkers etiquette stories for us. So if you do have bonkers stories, please send them to us. And if you've got questions or a vent or a repent, we'll take it all. Send it to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!