Sharing Burgers in Restaurants, Splitting AirBNBs Fairly, Inquiring About Lip Filler, and More

Nick: Hey everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode! So here we go. Our first question is quote, "Recently, I went out for a casual brunch with my wife. She had the chilaquiles and I ordered a burger. When our food arrived, she offered me a bite of her entree, which I gladly accepted. After our meal, my wife gently reprimanded me for not having offered her a taste of my burger. I objected. It had been easy and hygienic for me to reach over and fork a bite of her dish, but passing her the burger would have been sloppy—it was a very saucy burger. She's my wife, so I'm not afraid of cooties, however, I feel it's inappropriate to pass a sandwich around the table, especially at a restaurant. It's one thing to stick a utensil in your companion's dish, quite another to wrap your hands around another's burger. What say you? Should I have handed over the burger? Should I have declined to sample her chilaquiles, knowing I wouldn't reciprocate? Cutting a slice of burger for her with a knife seems fussy, but maybe that was the right move."

Leah: Uh, you guys can't see it. Nick and I just smiled at each other through ...

Nick: [laughs] This is a great question.

Leah: It's a very fun question. I feel like there's multiple layers to this question.

Nick: Okay. What is your first layer?

Leah: My first layer has nothing to do with the question itself. [laughs] I mean, my first layer has nothing to do with the answer itself.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: But I do think in the moment, if we're offering somebody food and we wanted a bite of their food, that's when we bring it up, not after the meal.

Nick: Yes. I don't like this delayed thing. Yeah, that's not great.

Leah: I'm not giving you a bite of my meal to get a bite in response, but if I wanted a bite of your meal, I would just bring it up right then. "Oh, Nick, can I try some of that?"

Nick: Yeah, that—that would have been the time. Not to sort of harbor it until we were driving home.

Leah: So that's my first thing. My second thing is I have absolutely no problem with cutting off a little piece of burger, little square baby burger and forking it over.

Nick: Yeah, I object to the word fussy here. I have been called fussy.

Leah: No! No!

Nick: [laughs] I know! What? Hello, Ripley?

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I don't like that word because I think it's inaccurate. I think it's inaccurate because I think "fussy" has a quality of having unnecessary detail, or it's about being more fastidious, or it's about something excessive or, like, somebody who's prone to crying like a baby, irritable. All of these things, this does not describe my desires at a dinner table. I like things to be sort of neat and organized, but I'm not fussy. I mean fussy—I feel like fussy's very negative, and I feel like that's not the right word here. I think cutting off a piece of burger, I think is polite, it's neat, it's tidy. It's sort of conscientious of those around you. Fussy? No.

Leah: I hate to say this, but I agree 100 percent with Nick.

Nick: [laughs] About which part? The whole thing?

Leah: The whole thing.

Nick: Oh, that's so great! Yeah. So I feel like yeah, slicing off? I mean, it's fussy if you have, like, your pinky out and you're trying to be all, like, dainty about it, I guess. And then you're asking for, like, extra porcelain. Yeah. Okay, maybe that's a little fussy.

Leah: I think it would be fussy if you brought out, like, a measuring tape and you measured the burger, and then you were like, "You get exactly this much of a quadrant." And then you marked it, and then—because they only get a certain percentage. That would be—that's fussy.

Nick: There's actually a phenomenal German television show—I don't think it's on anymore. They had a segment in which the contestants had to cut an object exactly in half, and then they would weigh both halves to see how close they got. [laughs] It's so great.

Leah: That's hilarious.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: In our house, whoever cuts, the other person chooses.

Nick: In every house that should be the rule.

Leah: It should be the rule, but it's often not.

Nick: Yeah, one person cuts, the other person chooses.

Leah: And then you work so hard to make it as absolutely equal as possible.

Nick: Life needs checks and balances.

Leah: Life needs checks and balances.

Nick: But yes, I think the right move would have been to cut off a piece of a burger, because I think it is true, there are certain foods that should not be shared. Like, we don't need a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti thing happening.

Leah: But we did. That's the whole story.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Well, I don't think we looked at that story for etiquette advice.

Leah: [laughs] I know, but we found true love.

Nick: Yeah. But, you know, that's not etiquette.

Leah: I mean, the moral of that story may be that etiquette is antithetical to finding true love.

Nick: Oh, if you've read any Jane Austen novel that is true.

Leah: That is true! That's so true.

Nick: [laughs] Yes. Yeah, that actually is kind of the problem in a lot of these books. Right. Another thought I had is just when we're doing this, I think we want to make sure that we're using bread plates if possible, side plates, share plates, some type of plate. So I think we want to transfer your entrée to a side plate, and then we move that side plate to the person you're giving it to. We do not want to be lifting food over the table in the air to another person's main plate.

Leah: I mean, that seems fussy.

Nick: That seems fussy?

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I mean, if that's fussy then I'm fussy and I'll just own it then. No, I think that's very nice. I mean, I think it's also 2.0: the plate that you're using should be theirs. So it should be their bread plate. So they give you the bread plate. Oh, a little burger plate! And then you put a slice of burger on their bread plate and then hand it back to them.

Leah: I hate to say this ...

Nick: That you agree?

Leah: I've actually done that in the past.

Nick: You hate to say that you've done something that's correct?

Leah: Yeah, I do, actually. That feels against who I—who I want to put out there, you know? [laughs]

Nick: Okay. All right, so I think that's the answer here. That's the answer.

Leah: Well, we agreed across the board on that. So ...

Nick: Great.

Leah: Wrap it up. Wrap the show up. [laughs]

Nick: That's it. Nothing more to talk about.

Leah: One question.

Nick: Our next question is quote, "Someone sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday, and my birthday isn't for another four months. I'm not sure how he got that. Maybe he mixed me up with another friend who has this birthday. What is a tactful response?"

Leah: I've been on both ends of this.

Nick: Okay. And?

Leah: I have absolutely no problem on either end of the situation being like, "Oh, thank you so much. It's actually November 5th, but I'm gonna—I'm gonna hold this in celebration from now until then."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that's the answer. We should thank them for the warm birthday wishes, and then just, like, clarify that, "Oh, actually, it's not until this date, but thank you."

Leah: Yeah. And I don't think that's a problem at all.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I don't think we want to say, "No thank you." And I don't think we want to say, "Thank you" without correcting them.

Leah: Yeah. Because I've had it, and my friend was like, "Actually it's tomorrow," or—and I just had it saved wrong. I want to know.

Nick: Yes. Although, like, how do you save it wrong? I mean, how does that happen?

Leah: You know what?

Nick: [laughs] That was a rhetorical question.

Leah: Is it just rhetorical or just hurtful? I'm unsure.

Nick: [laughs] I mean, my questions could be both.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: No, I have gotten the date incorrect where—actually how it has happened, this is actually how it has happened in my phone. I've been abroad, so I've been, like, in Tokyo. And in Tokyo, I'm adding something to my calendar. And I'm in the Tokyo time zone, and then when I get back to New York and my calendar resets to Eastern time, certain dates, if I didn't put it in correctly in terms of, like, oh, what time zone is this thing happening, like your birthday? It might get shifted to, like, the wrong day. Datelines. Happens to the best of us. So it can—it can happen. It's happened to me.

Leah: Nick has a very extensive reason—"Well, I was in a different time zone" for it to happen, but for us mere mortals ...

Nick: I was in Tokyo! Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, this has happened. Yeah, it is kind of annoying how time zones happen in my calendar, but ...

Leah: Mmm. [laughs]

Nick: Okay, maybe I'm a little fussy. Okay.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is quote, "Our family has an out-of-state wedding coming up, and four of us—one couple and two singles—have agreed to share a three-bedroom Airbnb. How do we split the expense of the house? Should the couple pay for half or should they pay one third? We want to do what is fair for everyone."

Leah: I thought what if we divided this by bathrooms instead of bedrooms?

Nick: Okay. Interesting approach. Go on.

Leah: So say the couple bedroom had a bathroom in it.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And the other two singles had to share a bathroom that's outside.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Then I think the couple pays half.

Nick: Okay. Interesting approach. That's interesting.

Leah: Because they have their own private bathroom.

Nick: In my mind I was thinking of, like, oh, if this were a hotel, what would it be? And so it felt like if this was a hotel, each of us would have rented three rooms, in which case we all just pay for our room, whatever that is. And so if we use that logic, then we are gonna divide this Airbnb in thirds, assuming each of our "hotel rooms," quote-unquote, are equal, they all have bathrooms of their own. And then I guess the question is, if they are not equal, if there's a master suite and then there's, like, another thing that's not a master suite, then we would pay for the type of room we got. So, like, oh, in this hotel you got a nicer suite, so you pay more for your suite, obviously. And I got a very basic room with no view so, like, I'm gonna pay that price, in which case then that's how we would divide it.

Leah: So the bathroom idea was just me throwing out a possible way to rethink about this in a new way, but I think the takeaway that's similar is that is the master bedroom better than the other rooms?

Nick: No, I like the bathroom way because it is true. Like, if there's just one bathroom in this place and we all have to share it, what are we really dividing? And yeah, is it mattresses?

Leah: Because then it would just be mattresses that we're dividing. And I think actually bathroom time ...

Nick: Yeah. That is kind of more important on some level. Right. Huh! So I guess at the end of the day, these people have to talk among themselves about what they think is fair based on the arrangement.

Leah: Yeah. Or you could write back to us before this happens and tell us, do each of these rooms have their own bathroom?

Nick: I do need a floor plan, ideally a 3D walkthrough, maybe a video.

Leah: Also, a lot of times a master bedroom has, like, a balcony.

Nick: Ooh! Although are we paying more for a balcony? I guess it depends on what it overlooks.

Leah: Oh, I—that's—I love a balcony. You just open that door, and maybe you have a coffee in your hand and you're like, "Oh, what a life!"

Nick: You just look at your kingdom or you just raise your arms.

Leah: [laughs] Yes. And then everybody ...

Nick: Talk to your people.

Leah: ... out there starts clapping. Our people start clapping.

Nick: Evita! Evita! Yeah.

Leah: [laughs] I feel like we've left this person unsatisfied.

Nick: Yes. I feel like it comes down to how equal are the rooms. I think we want to divide it in terms of how equal is everybody's experience gonna be? If everybody's gonna have a very equal experience, then I think we would divide it equally. Or if one person in this house is gonna have a notably better or nobly worse experience based on their accommodations, then I think we have to adjust.

Leah: And I think—because we've all rented or maybe not—I have rented apartments with friends where one room is significantly less than the others.

Nick: Yes, yes. This is quite common. Right. And it's always the one friend who didn't do any of the work planning this trip who gets to the room first and puts down their luggage and be like, "I'll take this bedroom."

Leah: That is so true. That is so true.

Nick: Yeah, it's always that friend. Yeah.

Leah: And you're like, "No you won't."

Nick: No. No, that's not how that's gonna work, friend who did nothing.

Leah: So I do think it's just a great idea to all of you to talk about it up top. What's your plan? Just as, like, a nice group discussion. What does everybody think?

Nick: Yes. And ideally we have that conversation before we book.

Leah: We must have it before we book.

Nick: Right. Be like, "Oh, I found this listing. It looks good. The bedrooms look a little uneven, so I think it would be fair of whoever takes this bedroom would pay X, and whoever takes these bedrooms would pay Y."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: And then we can decide who wants what bedroom at what price. So our next question is quote, "My husband and I had a couple of friends over for brunch last weekend. While we were chatting, and as I was cleaning up, the woman in the couple looked at me and asked, 'Did you get lip fillers?' I was taken aback because I did recently have a lip treatment, but I'm very careful to work with a dermatologist who promotes a natural look. Regardless, it's not something I would speak about openly. My husband likely was aware of the treatment, but we had never discussed it. I responded to her, 'What an odd thing to ask,' and she just looked at me, waiting for an answer. I did then acknowledge that I had and she expressed how she wanted to do the same thing. I don't think she had any ill will, but it was incredibly uncomfortable to be asked so directly. What could I have said to avoid the conversation? I'm afraid changing the subject would have been an obvious deflection."

Leah: I have so many thoughts on this.

Nick: Okay, what's the first one?

Leah: Well, the first one is I think this is very interesting because especially moving from the East coast to the West Coast, how people feel so ...

Nick: Oh. LA specifically.

Leah: LA specifically.

Nick: I mean, let's not—the whole West Coast.

Leah: Also though, like my younger friends, especially on social media, people are so open about discussing ...

Nick: True.

Leah: ... what they've done to their face. It's just discussed completely differently than I have—my other group of friends.

Nick: Right. There are some people who feel that this is very private, it's not something that gets discussed. You would never comment on somebody's work that's done. And then there are people who are, like, celebrate it and, like, "Oh, where did you get it done? What did you have done?" And all that.

Leah: Yes. I—it's so interesting to just see the two camps that are so different. So I think that there is this camp, as our letter-writer noted, this person didn't mean any ill will by it.

Nick: Right.

Leah: So if you're a person who's interested in getting—trying something new and getting work, and you see somebody that you think maybe had that, maybe a possible—because I don't think it's polite to ask people.

Nick: It's real hard to land it. Yeah.

Leah: And also, a lot of people don't want to talk about it, is you just say "You look fantastic." And if they're the kind of person who wants to say, "I just got my lips done, I just did my eyes," they'll tell you.

Nick: That's true. Yes. Yeah, that would be the way to do it. I mean, in general, this is why it's so dicey to comment on people's appearance. It's just—it rarely ends well.

Leah: Well, commenting and saying "You look fantastic" is fine. But being like, "Are those new lips?" That's a different ...

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, is that commenting? Yeah. That's—yeah, that's more than commenting.

Leah: And then I think in our letter-writer's—I think we can't—yes, leaving it, like, it makes it clear when we don't want to respond what our answer is, but also we're allowed to not want to respond. And we can just say, "Girl, I don't want to talk about that with people. That's my business." And just go about our business.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think our letter-writer wants to say something that is saying something without admitting that you've done it, and I guess our letter-writer also doesn't want to lie.

Leah: Right. And that's ...

Nick: That's a hard needle to thread.

Leah: Well, I get not wanting to lie. There's—I don't want to lie about anything, so that's why I just think we say, "I'm delighted you think they look great, but I don't like talking about my personal business." And then just physically move away from the conversation.

Nick: Yeah. Although maybe a good phrase is like, "Oh, I'm delighted you think my lips look great." And we leave it at that, and we don't have to explain why they might look good. You know, maybe it's genetics, maybe it's not genetics. But we don't have to discuss the why. We could just accept the compliment. Like, "Oh, thank you so much for thinking my lips look great today."

Leah: Yeah. And—but then I think we're going to have to physically move because this person is going to wait for more.

Nick: Yes. Yeah, I think we do have to exit the scene. We have to be like, "Oh, excuse me. I have to get back to my guests," or like, "Oh, would you excuse me for a moment? I have to not be here right now." Yeah.

Leah: "I have to be anywhere but here right now."

Nick: But yeah, I think something along the lines of accepting the compliment, and just in terms of a "Oh, thank you for thinking I look nice." And I guess that works for, like, "Oh, did you get your eyes done?" You'd be like, "Thank you for thinking my eyes look nice today." That feels like a nice deflection, right? Does that work? I think that works. "Did you get Botox?" "Oh, thank you for thinking I look well rested."

Leah: I mean, I think that works.

Nick: I think it does. Yeah. "Thank you for thinking XYZ." And we don't have to confirm or deny.

Leah: And then we just move away.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Yeah. And then be comfortable leaving. That's the thing that people are gonna hang and want to know more.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: You just have to be like, "I'm done talking. This is done."

Nick: Yeah. That's how we do it.

Leah: I mean, the third option—or I don't actually know what number we're on, but a personal favorite of mine, which is not, I think, gonna be on Nick's list, but I often like to laugh when people say something.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: As if, like, "Oh, what?" Just—I just laugh and then I go away.

Nick: Okay. Oh, you think it's a, "Oh, what a funny thing to have said. Oh, that's so amusing."

Leah: "You amuse me!" And then ...

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: [laughs] And then I just go about my business.

Nick: Yeah, I think that works.

Leah: I also do it when people say things I don't like, but I'm not gonna—that I don't have the time, you know what I mean? I just laugh, like, "Is this happening?" And then I just move on.

Nick: Yeah. And then I guess we just know this about this person, that they're just very curious and don't have a sense of boundaries.

Leah: Yeah. And then so I guess we ...

Nick: Well I mean, other than not inviting them to your home, I mean ...

Leah: There's nothing you can really do.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But it is so interesting how people really—there's such a divide on how people think about any kind of work.

Nick: Yes. And I think the general etiquette principle of pretending not to notice? That's where this comes into play. Like, even if you've noticed that somebody has had work done, we pretend that they haven't. You know, we just kind of like, don't acknowledge it unless they bring it up. Ideally, you know, we just don't comment.

Leah: I actually showed up at the gym, and this woman that I see all the time in Zumba had legitimately an entirely new face.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: To the point where it took me a second to realize who I was talking to. Like, she got it all done.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Did I say, "Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you because you have—" no, I most certainly did not.

Nick: Right. Yeah. I mean, that's how we have to handle that. Yes.

Leah: But I think it's fine to say if you notice that somebody is looking fresh and lovely, "You look fantastic!"

Nick: I think anything vague of, "Oh, you look great," I think we could go there as long as it doesn't imply, like, all the previous times I've seen you you did not look great. So if we can somehow make it not feel comparative.

Leah: I just love compliments, so I understand when we're not commenting on people's ...

Nick: "Leah, your hair looks great today."

Leah: How about, "Leah, your hair looks great!"

Nick: "Leah, you look well rested."

Leah: See, what you're not seeing is that Nick is, like, pulling his shoulder in as if, like, I'm so shocked that you look ...

Nick: Whoa!

Leah: But I think a lot of times people want to give genuine compliments to people, and I don't think we want to live in a world where we don't compliment people at all.

Nick: Yeah. No, this is true. Yeah.

Leah: Do you want no compliments for the rest of your life?

Nick: No, I like a good compliment. Yeah. No, I do. I guess I just want compliments that are actually compliments and make me feel good.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: I guess that's—that's what I want to have happen. I don't want compliments that make me question reality.

Leah: Well, absolutely. I don't like those compliments either.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But if I—if somebody came up to me and they go, "You look great," and I had just had my face done, that would be my opportunity to either just say thank you, or if I'm the kind of person who wants to talk about getting work done, that's when I would say it. And if I don't say it, then move along.

Nick: Okay. So our next thing is an etiquette crime report.

Leah: Ugh.

Nick: Leah, we are expecting a siren sound from you.

Leah: I know.

Nick: [laughs] And you didn't like my European police car "wiener, wiener," so you have to come up with something else.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I do feel like "wiener, wiener" should be on the table, though.

Leah: It's on the table.

Nick: [laughs] All right. Well, as Leah thinks about that ...

Leah: Let's just see what happens. "Wow, wow!" Oh, that's not it. That's like a dying bird. Is that a duck that's caught under water?

Nick: Okay. Well, I think we will continue to workshop this, but our etiquette crime report is quote, "I know that the gym can be a hotbed of breached etiquette, and today's incident was no exception. I head in for my normal Friday morning Zumba class, which is taught by a lovely, super energizing instructor with a juiced-up playlist to match."

Leah: Mmm! Let me just say really quick that sounds like a dream.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. "And I look forward to this class every week. Then I look over, and right front and center of class is a woman who has perched her cell phone on the instructor's podium and is proceeding to video herself through the entire class. She's making faces for the camera. Is she live? She's mouthing the lyrics to all the songs, she is narrowly missing, bumping into her neighbor to her left as she misses the instructor's cues while going off script and seemingly filming her own music video. And then the most egregious thing happens: she takes her phone and pans the entire class while continuing to take selfies and vamp for the camera. And I would note, nobody consented to being filmed in our sweaty sports bras and workout attire. What's going on?"

Leah: Oh, what is going on?

Nick: I mean, yeah. Main character syndrome here.

Leah: This happened in one of my classes once, and you can't ...

Nick: It did?

Leah: Yes. You can't not focus on it. You're like, "What's happening?" Because you're expecting the teacher to step in and be like, "I'm sorry."

Nick: Absolutely!

Leah: I'm sorry.

Nick: The instructor absolutely should jump in and be like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. We don't have phones in class."

Leah: "We don't film ourselves and other people in class."

Nick: Filming other people? Like, we've all been in the gym. That is not a place I want to be filmed at all.

Leah: At all!

Nick: Never. No I'm not—I'm not at my best working out. That's not visually where I shine.

Leah: I would have trouble not just screaming.

Nick: I would have trouble not just taking the phone and flipping it over and then looking at the woman and being like, "Oh, I'm sorry. No. No, no."

Leah: It's so hard because once you touch somebody's stuff, then it's like a whole other issue.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, touching the phone would be very aggressive. I would definitely want to make eye contact with the instructor and, like, eye contact the instructor, eye contact phone, eye contact instructor, eye contact phone. And send the signal to the instructor, like, "There is a phone recording, FYI. Do something."

Leah: Or it's almost like you want to sneak into the corner, call the front desk and be like, "Tere's a lady in here."

Nick: I would definitely say something afterwards, sort of like, "Hey, I don't know if you noticed but, like, this person was filming. Perhaps we can ask that person not to do this again in the future?"

Leah: To the teacher?

Nick: Yeah. I feel like that could be the way to handle this. Because, like, in the moment, yeah, I guess—I mean, let's just hope that she doesn't have a lot of followers. But somebody like this probably has a lot of followers.

Leah: Well, the other thing we could do is we could sneak into our home and change all of her calendars so she continually gets the Friday day wrong, shows up at the gym on the wrong day.

Nick: We just switch it to the Tokyo calendar.

Leah: We can switch—call back!

Nick: [laughs] But yeah. No, this is rude. And it's rude because this person is not being mindful of the people around her in terms of just, like, participating in the class and paying attention and not bumping into each other. Like, you know, nobody has to be perfect in a workout class, but it is good to try your best, whatever that is. Clearly, that's not happening. Filming people without their permission in general? Not great. Gym class? No. Super rude.

Leah: I mean, it's—you're just basically showing up and being like, "You know what? Actually, this whole class is about me."

Nick: Then there is that. Yes. I mean, this person is basically saying, like, "All of you are backup characters in the story of my life."

Leah: I can't. This is—really drives me crazy.

Nick: Great etiquette crime report, though. So if you've been the victim or witness to an etiquette crime, let us know. Go to EtiquetteCrime.com and file a report. And if you've got questions for us, a vent, a repent, we'll take it all. Visit our website at WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!