Saying "You're Welcome" Unprompted, Cleaning up After Squirrels, Asking Wedding Guests to Bring Ice, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody, it's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go! Our first question is quote, "Help! My parents tip like they're paupers. My parents took me out to a well-known chain restaurant to celebrate my new job, and they insisted on paying, and I was mortified when I realized that they only tipped 10 percent. I tracked down the server and gave him another 10 percent with a profuse apology about the pittance of a tip that my parents left. My parents aren't rich, but they can definitely afford more than a 10 percent tip. My mother is extremely sensitive, and will cry at the drop of a hat if she thinks she's somehow offended someone—anyone. And my father thinks that any feedback is a threat to his very existence, and usually digs his heels into his position, regardless of how unreasonable or unrealistic it is. How can I get them to tip reasonably without causing intense drama? It's already at least one episode of One Life to Live during family visits, and I get a bit tired of walking on eggshells. However, servers work so hard and deserve every penny. My parents' 10 percent tip is a slap in the face to every decent server. More high drama with my folks would be worth it if they would change their miserly ways. What do I do?"

Leah: I mean, talk about walking on eggshells. I feel like it's so uncomfortable talking about how other people should talk to their parents.

Nick: Yeah, you got your hands full here. I don't know if we can make that better.

Leah: I'll give it a shot.

Nick: Oh, okay.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Okay, great. Yeah. I mean, this felt a little over my skis, but have at it.

Leah: I just wanted them to know I know I'm over my skis, but as they wrote in, I would say what I would try to do.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, how do we get out of this?

Leah: I think A) we don't talk about it at the restaurant. We talk about it at home on a separate occasion when they're like, "Hey, do you want to meet us for dinner at this place?" Or when we know that this is about to happen. And I think we accept that it might be—we want to have this conversation. It's important to us that we discuss it. We accept that it's gonna be a little bit uncomfortable for a while, but we let them sit with it and we say, "Hey, I love going out to dinner with you. I appreciate your generosity in taking me out for dinner. I get uncomfortable with the tip situation because servers, you know, if you don't know, they make significantly less money per hour because they're expected to get tips. And standard tipping is 18 to 20 percent. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, let me do it, but we can't just leave 10 percent." And then just let them sit with it.

Nick: Okay. Yeah.

Leah: Just give them that information and be like, "I'm uncomfortable. This is how it works now." And then just let them sit with that, and then do it not at the restaurant. Do it another time. And then tell them, "If you want to continue going out to dinner, either let me tip or this is how it works. But I'm uncomfortable."

Nick: Yeah, I guess that polite-yet-direct conversation, I mean, that approach definitely works. I guess the question is: are we wanting to change their behavior forever in all meals or just the ones that you're at? And I feel like if it's just the meals you're at, I guess one option is see if you can pay and, like, treat them. I guess that's one solution. I think the idea of just topping up the tip privately on your way out, that's not a bad one. I've done that. Or maybe this is not slick but, like, during the meal, we could have just a general conversation about tipping culture. Like, "Hey, have you noticed when you buy coffee, the tipping screens, and how they have suggested tip of, like $30, $40, or $50 now for a cup of coffee? Isn't that crazy?" And then, like, we start a conversation about tipping in general.

Leah: I feel like that'll work against you because they'll be like, "Yeah, that's crazy. People are having to tip too much."

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. Okay. Yeah, as I was thinking about it, I was like, "Oh, this is a bad idea." Okay, so you feel like the polite-yet-direct conversation in between meals, I guess that's not a bad way to go.

Leah: Well, so if you know that your dad's gonna dig in and your mom is gonna get upset?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I think let them do that at home, you know? Just so they can have their privacy. Also, if you know that your mom's a person who gets upset when she thinks she's offended somebody, she may want to know that she's offending every server.

Nick: Yeah, that's a good point. And then how to gently let her know that. Yeah.

Leah: I worked at a jazz club in New York, and they actually did a class action suit against them later. They were paying way below minimum wage.

Nick: Oh, wow!

Leah: And then they were like, "The rest is tips." And this is a very, very famous jazz club, by the way.

Nick: Wow! Okay. Yeah. So yeah, tips do matter.

Leah: You're literally working for tips.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: That's all. I don't even know how they got away with that. I mean, they didn't. It was a class action suit, but ...

Nick: [laughs] Right. Right. Yeah. And to be fair, the tipping system in the United States is broken. It is totally broken. The idea that employers have shifted the burden of just paying their employees to us, the consumer, and that it is left to us, the consumer, to sort of decide how much these people actually make and take home. And that is not a great system. Like, this is not a fair system, and it would be nice if we change this. So point being, you gotta tip. It is not actually optional. It is not discretionary. And as a reminder: if you're in a situation where you're like, "Wow, something really went wrong at this meal where I feel inclined to not tip 20 percent," then that is your opportunity to speak to a manager about that concern in that moment to see how that can be addressed. The solution is not to be like, "Well, I'm just not gonna tip then, and I'm gonna leave this restaurant."

Leah: I feel like your mom is gonna want to, when she knows, when she gets all that information, and she's somebody who doesn't like offending people, she's gonna want to tip more.

Nick: And then we just maybe have that conversation without your dad there. Is that the idea?

Leah: Sometimes we work through one parent to get to the other parent.

Nick: Yeah. Mom will relay the message.

Leah: I mean, or we could do it with both. Like, you know your parents. Do you want to do it with both and let them both sort of dig in in their own ways, or do you want to do it with one and then have them work the other one? That's your parent choice.

Nick: Right. Yeah, your mileage may vary. So our next question is quote, "I was entering my doctor's office, and a woman was exiting and had already opened the door. I hurried to hold it open while she exited, and I had a smile on my face. She said, 'You're welcome.' I did not detect any attitude in her voice, but is it rude to say 'you're welcome' to a person that didn't say 'thank you' first?

Leah: Anytime somebody says 'you're welcome' when you haven't said 'thank you,' I sort of assume it's a dig.

Nick: Yeah, it's passive aggressive. Yeah, it's definitely passive aggressive. And longtime listeners to the show know that we don't do passive aggressive here. We prefer active aggressive. [laughs]

Leah: Active aggressive or no aggressive. In the middle ...

Nick: Right. Yeah. Either let it go or active aggressive. But no, passive aggressive? There's no polite way to do that.

Leah: But our letter-writer, who I assume is very attuned to feelings because they are our Wolves family, didn't detect any attitude in her voice. So my second read of that was maybe this person read—I know you're already doing this, Nick. Go along with me for one second.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: She read your smile as like you being like a thank you.

Nick: Ah! Okay. Okay. Loophole.

Leah: Because some people have a very expressive face, you know? And obviously your smile is like a thank you. You're hurrying up to catch it. You're giving them a big smile. And they were like, "Oh, you're welcome!" You know what I mean? So I think that's an option.

Nick: Okay. That is an option. All right. That is a very interesting point you make. Leah Bonnema. Yes. Had not thought about that. Because I was thinking, is there a tone in which you can say 'you're welcome' in a way that doesn't sound passive aggressive?

Leah: But if I—if I meant it because I thought your smile was a thank you?

Nick: Yeah. But then that's not the question. Because the question is: is it rude to say 'you're welcome' to a person that didn't say 'thank you' first? But I did say thank you with my eyes.

Leah: Yes, but I'm saying I didn't verbally say 'thank you.' But maybe she read your eyes as a thank you.

Nick: Okay. There has to be some expression of gratitude, and then some acceptance of that gratitude.

Leah: So option A, she was reading your face and you're running up to grab the door as that expression of gratitude and was responding to that.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Option B is that it was rude.

Nick: Yes. And I think it is true, there is no way to say 'you're welcome' without somebody expressing thank you in some way first. It's sort of like saying, like, "I'm fine, thanks," if nobody asks you how you are.

Leah: That's true.

Nick: Right? If I just, like, went up to you and I was like, "I'm fine, thanks." And you'd be like, "That's weird. I didn't say hello yet."

Leah: I got a thanks this week that was like not a thanks, you know? And you get that and you're like, "Oh!"

Nick: Oh, okay.

Leah: Got it!

Nick: Read you loud and clear. Yeah. Tone matters.

Leah: Our letter-writer did say there was no tone, and that's why I'm saying maybe it's because they were reading it as a thank you. Because I trust our letter-writer to know if there was a tone or not.

Nick: Yeah. No, I think you're onto it. I think the smile, material detail, that was the thank you being expressed, and then they said that you're welcome verbally. And so that's how we buttoned up that exchange.

Leah: But otherwise ...

Nick: Otherwise, it's super rude.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So our next question is, quote ...

Leah: This one really gave me a giggle.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I feel like—well, I'm very interested to see what you have to say about this. So it is quote, "I work in hospitality, and I hire entertainers for events: singers, comedians, et cetera. Recently, I booked a comedian who bombed so badly that they offended several guests and made everyone very uncomfortable. Normally, I write a handwritten thank-you note to all the entertainers after each event filled with thanks for their time and talents and praise for a job well done. I will not be considering this person again, but I still want to say thank you. How can I politely thank them without implying any possibility of future gigs?"

Leah: I think it's lovely that our letter-writer writes thank-you notes to everybody that performs.

Nick: Yeah, very nice. I mean, how often does it happen in your industry?

Leah: Never. A hundred percent never. Unless you're doing a privately-produced show where you're doing, like, a benefit, and then usually when they hand you your money, it's in a thank you note.

Nick: I gotcha.

Leah: But, like, gigs, like, gig work is ...

Nick: Right.

Leah: So I would say very not standard.

Nick: So very nice of our letter-writer to do this.

Leah: Very, very nice.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I wouldn't. I wouldn't write a handwritten thank-you note to the person who bombed.

Nick: Okay. You just wouldn't.

Leah: Because you're not saying thank you for your time and talents and praise for a job well done. So then what is the thank you?

Nick: Yes. I mean, my first question was: do we think that they know they bombed? What is their self awareness about how it went? And does that matter?

Leah: I mean, it doesn't really matter because we are not hiring them again.

Nick: Right. That's true.

Leah: There's two types of comics here, right? There's a type of comic that will bomb and set the—burn the room down and offend people and be like, "That's on them!" You know what I mean? "They were sensitive. I'm great." And then there's the other comic who knows they bombed, is at home hating themselves.

Nick: [laughs] Mm-hmm?

Leah: It just was like, sometimes it goes bad, and then it's just like, it just gets worse and worse, and then you're trying to fix it, and it gets worse and worse.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I don't know which kind of comic this was.

Nick: Okay, that's—that's fair.

Leah: But either way, it doesn't really change the employer. The employer doesn't want them back again.

Nick: Yeah. Okay. And I guess because it's not a standard thing in this industry to write these handwritten notes, it won't be seen as offensive to this person that they didn't get one because they were definitely not expecting it. And the etiquette of this world does not require this.

Leah: No, it's they were hired for a job. Beyond that, you didn't like the job that was done.

Nick: Yeah. And so that's the end of it.

Leah: You know, you could send an email like, "Thank you for coming. You should expect payment blank." Or—I don't know how this person pays. Like, often you get paid night of da da da da. You know, "Thank you for—thank you for showing up to our event. You know, enclosed is your payment." You know, close out whatever the contract was, but I wouldn't write a handwritten thank-you note to somebody that you feel bombed, offended people. You aren't coming back because that's not authentic.

Nick: Ah, interesting. Oh, does authenticity matter? Hmm. Put a pin in that for another day. I wrote a sample letter you could write, but based on what you've said, maybe this is horrible, but let me float this out there. Quote, "It was so nice seeing you last night at the Chuckle Pavilion. Thank you so much for being a part of our show and for joining us. Best wishes."

Leah: Okay, that's nice.

Nick: So I've just said, it's nice meeting you, or, nice seeing you last night, and then thank you so much for being part of the show. So I guess maybe we might wanna revise that a little bit, And for joining us. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, I think it really does come down to do we wanna be sending things that are not sincere?

Leah: I heard that quote from Mad Men when I read this, where she's like, "You never say thank you. You never compliment me." And he's like, "That's what the money's for!" [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess this is an interesting question, because, like, there are times when it's purely a business transaction. And business etiquette is different. You know, if this was a dinner party, then yes, you would send a thank-you note, even though, you know, the host gave everybody food poisoning. But because of a purely business transaction, yeah, I guess maybe it's not required, especially since it didn't go well and we don't want further business with you.

Leah: And I do think it's very nice that our letter-writer does this. If I came home and I got a thank-you note mailed to the house, and when it wasn't, like, a private gig or, like, a personal event where I doing a benefit, and I got a thank-you card, and I just got, like, a thank-you card from a regular job?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I would be like, "Oh, wow, that's so nice!" But I would never expect it, and it would be out of the ordinary. So I think our letter-writer is already doing something lovely and nice and taking the time, and I don't think you have to do that for somebody who did not do the job. Not only—sometimes people struggle. There's struggling, and then there is bombing. And sometimes when you bomb, you don't want to be reminded of it.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I guess that's really what it is. If you reached out, would it make them feel worse? And the etiquette rule there is we don't want to make people feel bad.

Leah: And if they're the kind of person who knows they bombed, I would be burying that deep, deep inside of me and trying to never remember it happened again.

Nick: [laughs] Okay, so there you have it.

Leah: Because we've all bombed. I mean, we have all bombed. This happens to everybody.

Nick: Oh, yeah. I'm on that list, for sure. Oh, yeah. And those are certainly those—those are the moments you remember the clearest.

Leah: And I know you know I bombed. We all know I bombed. And I would prefer if we never discussed it again.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah. No, that's true. I definitely don't wanna have a conversation about it.

Leah: I don't. You don't have to pretend.

Nick: Yeah. And I don't even wanna have a "Oh, it wasn't so bad." No, I don't even want that.

Leah: No. We know what happened.

Nick: Yeah. No, we're all there. No, I was there. No, I got it. Thank you. [laughs]

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Our next question is quote, "Should I clean up the mess a squirrel made on a neighbor's balcony? My eight-year-old son got me a planter as a gift, and we put it on our third-floor balcony. A squirrel has since dug it up to eat the seeds, and a small pile of dirt—maybe one or two cups worth—has fallen through the cracks in the wooden planks of our deck down onto the balcony of our downstairs neighbor. I have access to that neighbor's balcony because you have to walk across it if you're using the back stairs. However, the dirt pile fell on a part of the balcony that I do not have to walk through to get to the stairs. Would the worse etiquette crime be to invade the neighbor's private balcony space to clean it up or to leave the mess that came from my balcony?"

Leah: I wrote, "Can we knock on the door?"

Nick: Yeah. Yeah. I have that as the first on my list, too. Yeah, can we have a conversation with them about this?

Leah: I think it's—hey, I would not go onto the part of their balcony that's not accessible to other people without their permission. But I would offer to clean it up.

Nick: Yeah, I think we wanna start with, like, "Hey, it looks like a squirrel got into my planter, got some dirt on your balcony. Would it be okay if I swept it up for you?"

Leah: And I think if we're not home at the same time, we could just slide a little envelope under the door.

Nick: Yeah. I like a little note. "Hey, it's me from 3A." However, I think we could go into the private area of the balcony, maybe-ish, if it was done in a way that was very clear, like, oh, I'm cleaning up some dirt. So, like, let's not do it at 3:00 am, but, like, midday, I have a broom in my hand. I have, like, a little dustpan. And if questioned, you could be like, "Oh, I got dirt on your balcony. I wanted to clean it up," kind of a thing.

Leah: The thing is is I feel like people are often in their homes not thinking anybody's on their balcony.

Nick: Ah, true. Yeah. It does seem a little provocative, doesn't it? Just to, like, show up on your balcony.

Leah: And, like, you know, you're in the kitchen cleaning, dancing in your underwear, and you turn around and there's somebody on your balcony.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. No, that's—yeah, that's fair. Yeah. But I think what we don't want to do is just leave the dirt, right? That's not an option.

Leah: No, we don't want to leave the dirt. We just want to offer. I think we offer.

Nick: Okay. And could we knock on the door to see if they're home, and then if they're not home, then go clean it up? Or do we want affirmative permission from them?

Leah: I don't know, Nick. I mean, now we're getting into legal—legal choices.

Nick: I mean, you know, sometimes we have to get this precise.

Leah: I would depend on—what's your—like, if it was, like, my buddies, like, our neighbors right now?

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: If it was our across-the-way neighbors.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: My relationship with them, if I got stuff on—I would totally sweep it up.

Nick: Right.

Leah: But my relationship with these other people I don't know. I would not do it without their permission. So I think it really depends on your relationship with these people.

Nick: What about that neighbor of yours who took your laundry out of the machine before the cycle was done and then, like, tossed it on the floor?

Leah: Update, everybody. That was a big, hot debate we had on Patreon.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And I do want to let everybody know that our laundry room has been updated, and we now have a beautiful shelf for people who take people's clothes ...

Nick: To throw your laundry on now. [laughs]

Leah: I think that if it was that person, I probably would have pushed the dirt over myself.

Nick: Uh-huh. Okay. [laughs]

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So, okay. I think the—what is our relationship with this person? I guess that's always sort of a good etiquette baseline, because that always sort of informs how we might approach something. But yes, first option, let's see if they're home. Let me clean up the dirt with permission. Slip a note. And then, I guess, then once we've slipped the note, I guess actually, we don't do anything further.

Leah: We don't do anything further.

Nick: Yeah, I think we don't do anything further. And it's just a cup of dirt from a squirrel, so it's kind of like ...

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: ... I feel like this is relatively mild.

Leah: Yeah, I think you're just being very polite.

Nick: Now if this is an emergency situation, damage will be done if it's not taken care of immediately, then go on the balcony.

Leah: Go on the balcony. If it's like nail polish remover and it's dripping, I mean, too late already. But ...

Nick: But we do our best.

Leah: We do our best.

Nick: Or I think if a glass dropped and shattered on their balcony, we—you know, we would clean it up immediately kind of idea.

Leah: Yes. And then I almost might leave a note. "Hey, I had glass fall over. I tried to clean it up. I just want—I apologize. I just wanted to let you know." Because if they have—they go out on bare feet. They have animals. They have kids.

Nick: Yes. Yeah. Oh, that's a nice note. Like, "Yeah, I was in the private area of your balcony, FYI, for this reason. And call me if you want to talk about it."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah. Okay. All right. So this is the way to handle it. Etiquette is easy.

Leah: Whew!

Nick: So our next thing is an Etiquette Crime Report.

Leah: Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. All right, so we're still on that? Okay.

Leah: Is that the same as before?

Nick: Well, we were gonna, like, maybe do a "dun dun," sort of a Law & Order thing. You know, we were kind of discussing this.

Leah: Okay, so we tried that first one. Let's leave that. Say it again. We're gonna give another option.

Nick: Okay. [clears throat] So our next thing is an Etiquette Crime Report.

Leah: Bung bung!

Nick: Oh, is that how you—okay.

Leah: I was trying to switch it up a little bit, so it's not exactly ...

Nick: Yeah, we don't need any rights issue with ...

Leah: We don't want somebody from Law & Order to be like, "Hello?"

Nick: Yeah. No, okay. Yeah, that definitely felt different enough. [laughs]

Leah: It was lower in the throat. There was a bit of a maybe a chime in there.

Nick: Yeah. No, I feel very clear no copyright issues there.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So the Etiquette Crime Report. And this is—oh, this is—oh, this is a real one.

Leah: It's wild, though!

Nick: So our letter-writer says quote, "A good friend is getting married this summer. Both him and his fiancé live and work in a very expensive city, and they've decided to get married on a small island a short ferry ride away from the main city, which has created a logistics nightmare as there isn't a large hotel there or a lot of other places to stay, not to mention people flying from across the country needing to find accommodation and deal with the ferry schedule. Today, my friend and his fiancé released the following update to all attendees via their website."

Leah: Sit down, sit down at home. Sit down.

Nick: Buckle up. Yeah, if you're on a treadmill, you gotta power it down because that's not safe. Quote, "The bar and the APPYS are going to be potluck style. Together we can dine like royalty without breaking the bank. We ask each party to bring a couple of things, if not more, from the food list on our website—the biggest size possible, please (local guests only) for food. As for booze, we ask each party to bring one BIG—all in capital letters—one BIG bottle of liquor with an appropriate bottle of mixer, plus two bags of ice."

Nick: "The island does not have sufficient supply for us to purchase all the necessary ice, so we need all guests to arrive with ice and a cooler too, if you have one. Feel free to bring any accoutrements as you feel inspired: bitters, cherries, egg whites, shakers, et cetera. Label them if you want them back. We will provide lemons, limes, shot glasses, some shakers and drinking vessels. We will also be providing pulled pork and buns as the main course. The MAIN ASK—all in capital letters—is liquor, mix and ice, plus whatever you feel called to from our appetizer list. Thank you for helping our day feel swankier than we could do alone." Oh!

Nick: So then our letter writer continues. "Am I living in the Twilight Zone? Are they seriously asking people to travel to an island off the coast and bring all the booze, ice and appetizers for their wedding? All of their close family members are flying from over 2,000 miles away, and they've graciously excluded them from the food request list, but are still asking them for liquor and ice. Is this okay in some parallel universe? I understand that the cost of living is insane in their city, but it seems like they could at least have organized a cash bar to sell drinks and should be able to ship their own ice over to the island. To top it off, they've indicated that for gifts, they would prefer cash."

Leah: Oh. I also want to add because it's important, I think, for our listeners at home to know this because it really adds to the tone. They are saying APPYS.

Nick: APPYS.

Leah: In capital letters like it's a good time.

Nick: Okay, so I have a very different definition of swanky than I think these people do. I do not read this as swanky.

Leah: Oh, I don't think anybody reading this reads this as swanky.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. I mean, what do we do with this? I mean, what do we do with people like this?

Leah: I honestly don't know what I would do with this. I mean, I know what I would—I'm not bringing that. You want me to travel?

Nick: No, I want you to fly 2000 miles for my wedding and then I want you to get on a ferry.

Leah: You want me to put—I need to be put up in a place. I'm putting myself up in a place, and then you gotta travel in your wedding clothes, which is never comfortable.

Nick: Oh, you're right. Okay.

Leah: I gotta get to the boat. I gotta get—now I'm carrying ice. And secondly, you're assuming everybody drinks hard liquor. I gotta buy hard liquor?

Nick: Mmm! That's a good point. Yeah.

Leah: Which I am not doing.

Nick: Right.

Leah: I do not have hard liquor in my house. I'm not buying it for anybody. And I'm not being told to buy it. And I gotta bring an appetizer?

Nick: [laughs] I'm bringing a lot of stuff. Yeah. I mean, thankfully I'm only bringing cash as the gift, so that's easy to transport.

Leah: I mean, that really lightens the load because otherwise I was gonna be weighed down by this desk I was gonna bring for you or this new bed. But I mean, this is unbelievable!

Nick: It's unbelievable. Yeah. And to be clear, I'm not against a potluck wedding reception. I think that can be totally lovely.

Leah: Absolutely!

Nick: A backyard. Intimate gathering. I think there's actually something very lovely about the community getting together and, like, throwing a party together. Like, that's totally lovely. That is not what this is.

Leah: Also, and that's what that should have been at the beginning.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Because I think that's a beautiful idea for a—I've been to a wedding like that. It was wonderful. That's what I got invited to in the beginning. "This is what we're doing. We're providing the place. Come celebrate with us. Bring what you—" yes! I love it! I would love to do that. This is me spending all of my money.

Nick: After I've already told you I'm coming, and now you've changed the rules.

Leah: You've changed the rules after I'm already coming. I've already bought my ticket. I'm flying across America. I got a hotel, and now I have to go—I gotta carry ice in a dress?

Nick: Right. I mean, you've just created this whole other extra level of hassle for me.

Leah: It's such an extra level of hassle.

Nick: And the way this was written, I'm actually also offended by. Because it's written in this sort of faux friendly "isn't this great?" sort of way. And it's sort of like, you can't be writing this thinking that what you're doing is okay, right? Like, in your heart of hearts, you know. You know, this is not ...

Leah: I don't know if they—I don't know if people know anymore. "We can dine like royalty without breaking the bank?" You are breaking the bank. My bank.

Nick: [laughs] The banks of all your guests.

Leah: And now I'm doing physical labor.

Nick: Yeah. Ice? Yeah. You want me to bring five pounds of ice?

Leah: I love how they're like, "We'll bring the glasses. You bring everything else."

Nick: Yeah. "But make sure you put a label maker on it if you want it back."

Leah: "If you want it back. Otherwise it's going into our wedding gifts."

Nick: Also, I love this idea of, like, "Oh, one of the things you can bring is egg whites." Okay, that sounds nice.

Leah: You're changing the parameters three quarters of the way through.

Nick: That's what's rude.

Leah: Because now I'm stuck.

Nick: Yeah. If this was part of the deal when you sent the invitation and I could make an informed decision, I would then think about whether or not this is how I wanted to spend my vacation time and treasure, and if I was gonna enjoy this and wanted to celebrate this with you in this way. I think you can use the cash you would have given them, and you can allocate that towards the thing that they're making you bring now. I think that can come from the same budget. So if you're gonna get them a cash gift of some dollar amount, then we deduct the cost of ice.

Leah: We now deduct the cost of the cab we have to get now to carry us to the boat, because we're actually—I mean, a bag of ice is—this is not—I can't put it in my purse. I'm not putting it in my hand satchel.

Nick: And we're making Nana bring a tray of brownies and mixers and a five pound bag of ice and a bottle of vodka? Like, oh, is that what we're making this person do? Okay. Yeah.

Leah: I can't.

Nick: So yeah, letter-writer? This is so horrible. So I'm sorry. If you somehow were unavailable for this wedding, you know, wouldn't blame you for skipping it. I mean, wouldn't blame you.

Leah: I wouldn't blame you.

Nick: Wouldn't blame you. I mean, etiquette doesn't allow you to skip it, but your secret would be safe with us. [laughs]

Leah: Etiquette does allow for something else to come up.

Nick: Etiquette definitely allows for something to come up, especially when you change the rules.

Leah: Change the rules on me. I don't know why it's really the ice that puts me over. And I think it's because every time you carry ice, you get splotches of wet on your person.

Nick: It would just be better for you to just, like, arrange to have a truck show up with all the ice you need and you just pay for it. Like, that just would be the thing. Or just decide we're doing a mulled wedding and all the beverages are warm. We're not gonna do cold beverages. We're just gonna pivot. This is a room temperature or hot beverage event only. And then problem solved.

Leah: Because half this ice is gonna melt on the way there.

Nick: Oh, yeah. Actually, yeah. How many bags of water are you gonna be getting? Yeah. Yeah. No, none of this is good. None of this is good. Well, thank you for sharing this.

Leah: Thank you for sharing. Oh, my goodness!

Nick: And you out there, if you've been a victim or a witness to an etiquette crime, EtiquetteCrime.com. Please report it, and we will investigate and we will talk about it. We can't do much more than that, but we will ...

Leah: We can ruminate on how absolutely wild it is.

Nick: Yes, you will have satisfaction that you are right. So please send them to us. And you can send us your questions, your vents, your repents, and everything else. Send it to our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!