Replacing Lost Gloves, Arriving at Parties Too Early, Commandeering Other People’s Dates, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: ... that have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "My mother-in-law—let's call her Lisa—has invited herself to my husband's bachelor party. For context, my husband invited his dad to join for a few days at the beginning of the trip, and now Lisa says she's buying a ticket and tagging along. My husband told her that she wasn't invited to the bachelor party, even if she does decide to tag along with her husband. She regularly oversteps boundaries, and does what she wants without a care in the world for other people's feelings or what's appropriate. The location of the bachelor party is in a big national park and would require at least six-to-eight hours of travel to get there. We know her well enough to know that if she does tag along, she won't be content staying at the hotel or entertaining herself while my father-in-law is with the bachelor party. She will show up unannounced at dinner, or at whatever activity they're all doing just to say hi and then stay. My husband has tried to talk to her, but she doesn't seem deterred. Any advice on how to nicely and politely deal with this situation?"

Leah: Oh, man!

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I mean, it seems that we're a few steps past. Like, obviously light suggestions and polite dialog have gone unnoticed.

Nick: Well ...

Leah: Not unnoticed, but just not heeded.

Nick: Yes. I mean, definitely the subtle approach, the softer approach does not appear to be working. And yeah, my question was: how firm was this conversation? How clear and direct was it? Which was like, "Mom, you cannot come. Full stop. Non-negotiable." Like, was that the conversation?

Leah: That was also my question. "When my husband has tried to talk to her."

Nick: Right.

Leah: Maybe he might have to go in again and be like, "This is an absolute no."

Nick: Do or do not. There is no try, right? I mean, I feel like Star Wars rules apply here.

Leah: I would say Star Wars rules apply.

Nick: [laughs] We either talk to her or we don't talk to her. Yeah, the trying to talk is clearly not working. So we can't try, we have to do. And I think we have to be just way more clear and direct.

Leah: And then I don't know if the next step is to get our dad involved, but I can imagine that he does not want to be involved because that puts him sort of in between a rock and a hard place.

Nick: Right. And he knows.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: He knows who he's married to, yeah.

Leah: He knows. That's why he's like—that's why he probably we can't get him involved.

Nick: I mean, before we get there, though, I think one question is: all right, is it a big deal that she shows up? Like, I get that it's annoying that we've asked her not to do something and she does it anyway and we don't like that. But then I guess is her showing up for some of these activities, would that actually, like, totally change the flavor of this event? Do we actually need to be firm and insist that she not show up? Is her showing up, like, really the end of the world? And I guess we can't answer that, but I think that would be a question. Like, is this the hill you want to die on?

Leah: It seems to me that they really do not want it.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I do get that sense.

Leah: So if it is the hill you want to die on, then I think that the—our letter-writer's husband has to go back in and say, "This is an absolute no. It's my bachelor party. We'll do—let's do something else together. This is not it."

Nick: Oh, yeah. I think offering an alternative? Definitely a nice way to do this, a nice way to handle it. I would also want to have a conversation such that I make it clear and it is understood what I'm asking. So it's like, "I just want to be clear, Mom. I've asked you not to attend. Do you understand that I've asked you not to do that?" And then if she decides, "I hear you saying that. I'm gonna attend anyway." Well, then now we're in a different category because now it's not like, oh, misunderstanding or a difference of opinion. It's more like, "Oh, I'm actively going against your wishes." And if it's that, well, then I think we can then take it to the next level.

Leah: And I think we also work in the language of like, "Oh, I'll just drop by." Say, "That also includes, like, no dropping by."

Nick: Yes.

Leah: None of that.

Nick: Yes. And even the conversation of, like, "Are you comfortable staying in the hotel room for six to eight hours? Like, is that okay with you? Like, because that's what this would entail, because you would not be able to stop by or say hello or join for any of these other activities." And then get them to agree. "Yes, I agree. I will not make an appearance at these places. I will be content to stay in the hotel room." And then if they do show up, then you would actually technically be within your rights to ask them to leave. I mean, I don't know how you would do that, though.

Leah: I cannot imagine saying that to my mother.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: But I think we could also say ...

Nick: I think you need a bouncer. I think we need a guest list. We need a velvet rope. We need a clipboard. We need somebody with a headset.

Leah: I love a headset.

Nick: And be like, "Ma'am, you're not on the list." "Oh, but my son's inside." I'm sorry, ma'am. You're not on the list."

Leah: "You're not on the list."

Nick: "We need you to step to the back."

Leah: I'm gonna trot this idea out, and then maybe we can trot it back.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Maybe the conversation we have with our mom, and I'm talking about the letter-writer's husband, because I feel like that's the—I'm always my go to have the kid talk to the parent.

Nick: Yes, it's the LIR: the Leah In-Law Rule.

Leah: [laughs] Leah In-Law Rule.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Similar to the drain, one less r. I—we say to our mom the full stop, "You can't come. You have to stay in the room." And then if there's, like, hemming and hawing, we say, "Why? Why is it so important to you?"

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "That you are wanting to go against something that I am requesting for my bachelor party?" And then maybe there's some kind of a reason, like, "Oh, I just want to spend this time," or I want—then that's—and then you say, "Okay, well then let's do this on this other date."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think we probably should start with that is like, "What is behind this? What is the root cause of this behavior?" And see if we can get there. And then all solutions should hopefully flow from that.

Leah: But I think ...

Nick: Or get a bouncer.

Leah: So there's two completely different lines.

Nick: Or both. Not mutually exclusive. I feel like you can also have a bouncer at your event in a national park. I mean, why not?

Leah: You could have them dress up as a bear or some form of wildlife.

Nick: Or get a bear.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Just get an actual bear. Sure. How hard is that?

Leah: How hard is that?

Nick: Right. But yeah, I guess it's a little harsh to be like, "Dad, you can't come because Mom is gonna crash my party."

Leah: I mean, that's—if this is the hill they want to die on, and this is the most important thing, that I think is our third line of defense?

Nick: Okay. Yeah.

Leah: I don't know. That was said as a question.

Nick: Oh, okay. I mean, I feel like because it's your mom, I mean, it's very easy, like, from a distance, not knowing any of these people or the players to be like, "Mom, you can't come. Full stop." And because that is harsh. I mean, it's your mom, and she is excited for you and your big day and all this, and sort of like how stern do you want to get with her is really the question. And yes, it would be nice if she would respect your wishes and boundaries, but it's also your mom and I think we all know how that dynamic can be. And it's kind of like you can't prevent a mom from doing something when she sets her mind to it, many times.

Nick: You know, sometimes that's just what that is and that's what that relationship is. And so it definitely goes beyond the purview of this show and etiquette. No, this becomes a relationship question. But I guess the etiquette answer would be one thing. But then, like, what's actually practical and feasible? Maybe a totally different thing.

Leah: But I think our line of "What is so important? Let's figure out maybe if we can do that together separately."

Nick: Right.

Leah: And then, "Are you comfortable staying in the room? Because I'm saying you can't swing by any of those things. This is my bachelorette party."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And then see what comes from that conversation.

Nick: Yes. And then hopefully there will be a realization, like, "Oh, you really are serious about this, and I do want to respect your wishes, and so therefore, maybe it'd just be better if I just skip this trip and then we'll have a separate fun thing that we'll do to celebrate." That would be the ultimate outcome, which we hope will happen.

Leah: That would be fantastic.

Nick: Do we think that's gonna happen?

Leah: You never know.

Nick: [laughs] Is that the world we live in? Who can say?

Leah: But also maybe our letter-writer will be like, "This isn't the most important thing."

Nick: Yes.

Leah: I mean, there's many things that could happen here.

Nick: And also, we don't even know how firm the original conversation was. It may have been a little coy, in which a more direct, polite request to, like, "Please don't show up" hasn't even been done yet. And, you know, maybe that actually solves all the problems, too.

Leah: It might have been a Leah Bonnema conversation where I was pretty sure I said that, but I danced around the issue to be careful of everybody's feelings.

Nick: Yes. If something is just in your internal monologue, sometimes it has to be spoken. So sometimes you gotta be a Nick, not a Leah.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] You know, kind of—you know, pick your lane.

Leah: I'm a Nick on the third—on the third comeback. I started a Leah. I worked my way up to a Nick.

Nick: Yeah. No, I start as a Nick, and then if that goes south, then I go back to a Leah approach.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And then sometimes that actually does the trick. So I mean, I think one of the tricks in life is knowing when to be a Nick and when to be a Leah.

Leah: Oh, my goodness!

Nick: Right?

Leah: When do we Leah? When do we Nick?

Nick: [laughs] I mean, I struggle with this. Yeah, when am I me and when am I you? I don't know sometimes.

Leah: I also struggle with this.

Nick: And just sidebar audience, there are some times when I have to send, like, an email on behalf of the show, and I'll send it to Leah first. I'm like, "Leah, how is this?" And she'd be like, "Oh, no. No, we're gonna—we're gonna cut this part. We're gonna move this around. We're gonna do something up top." And I'll be like, "Okay, great." Or then there'll be times when I write a Leah email and I send it to Leah and be like, "How is this?" And she'll be, like, "Who is this email from? No." And then she gives me a Nick email back. I was like, "Oh, who are you today?" So this is our lives, too.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is quote, "If I lend my friend my gloves, and then they lend them to another member of our friend group, and then that friend lost the gloves, who is responsible for the loss? Would it be the friend who re-lent them because they didn't ask? Or would it be the friend who lost them? Or would it be me for letting them in the first place?"

Leah: I'll tell you who it's not.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: It's not you for lending them in the first place.

Nick: No, no. You are not responsible for the loss of the gloves, glove owner. No.

Leah: I feel like I would say to the friend, I would say, "Hey." Would I say that? Let me ...

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: The thing is is that they should note that they have to get you new gloves.

Nick: Well I mean, let's—let's label these people. We have our letter-writer. We have Lisa, and we have Tanya. So we lent our gloves to Lisa. Lisa lent the gloves to Tanya. Tanya lost them. And so our relationship is with Lisa here. And so Lisa, please give me back my gloves. And now it is Lisa's problem to figure out how to achieve that.

Leah: And also, let's remind everybody that Lisa did not ask us if she could lend the gloves to Tanya.

Nick: No, that didn't happen. No. I mean, for me this feels like a house. Like, I have a house, and I have now rented my house to you. And then you had a party and one of your guests broke something. I am not responsible to going to that guest and getting that guest to help fix it, leaving you out of the loop. No, you rented my house, and so you're responsible for everything that happens in my house. Like, that lease is with you. You signed the lease.

Leah: I agree. It's like, "Hey, Lisa ..."

Nick: Make me whole.

Leah: Make me whole. Exactly. It's like, "You figure it out. I lent them to you. You, without permission, lent them to somebody else. I don't care which one of you does it. I don't want to figure it out. It's your responsibility."

Nick: Yeah. So get me some gloves.

Leah: Get me some gloves!

Nick: It sounds like, the way this question was asked, that we are being asked to deal with Tanya, the glove loser directly. And Lisa in the middle wants to take herself out of the loop because she's like, "Well, I didn't lose them." And it's like, "Oh, but you're missing the point."

Leah: Man, I hope that's not what's happened. But you're right, that does sound—that is exactly what it sounds like what's happening.

Nick: Because otherwise then oh, Lisa will just replace her gloves. No problem. Yeah. No, what's happening is, like, Lisa doesn't want to take responsibility here.

Leah: Once they left your hands, your responsibility.

Nick: That's it.

Leah: They're not going back to our letter-writer, then it's still your responsibility.

Nick: Yes, that's the responsibility. You are responsible for returning the gloves.

Leah: I guess what I was hoping is that we got this letter, like, mid-conversation, where our letter-writer just found out that Lisa lent the gloves and they were lost, and that Lisa hadn't yet owned up. And our letter-writer was like, "What's the process?" But you're absolutely right. This is after the fact.

Nick: Oh yeah.

Leah: And Lisa has been like, "Talk to Tanya." And our letter-writer is like, "Why am I talking to Tanya?"

Nick: This is not great.

Leah: It's not nice.

Nick: No, it's not nice. And I wouldn't lend to these people again. I feel like you've lost the privilege. I'm no longer gonna lend you anything I own.

Leah: Oh, I absolutely agree. We—things happen, and then we immediately fix it. We don't pass it down the line.

Nick: Oh, it's never the crime, it's the cover up. Yeah. Losing the gloves is unfortunate. It happens. I mean, who among us still has gloves from three years ago? I mean, they just disappear because that's what happens to gloves. But, like, not taking ownership of the problem and, like, trying to make things right, well, that's the etiquette crime here.

Leah: Accountability.

Nick: Yeah, that's what we're missing.

Leah: So I think our—our lovely and direct way that we speak to Lisa is, "Hey, Lisa ..."

Nick: "I was disappointed that you lent my gloves without asking. And I was further disappointed that you didn't make an effort to get them replaced for me. So I would appreciate it if you would work with Tanya to figure out how to make that happen. Here's my glove size."

Leah: Okay.

Nick: [laughs] Easier said than done. I know.

Leah: Also the word "disappointed" I feel is so loaded.

Nick: Yes, that word choice was deliberate. Yes. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just disappointed." [laughs]

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is quote, "My husband and I host many family events throughout the year in our home, and I have a relative who arrives early to every family event he is invited to. It is very inconvenient to have someone show up 30 to 45 minutes before the agreed-upon time. Once we told him that the actual start time was later than we told all the other guests, and he was still the first to arrive before anyone else. How could we handle this situation?"

Leah: Going back really quick because that's how my brain works?

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: I think could we say—if we hate the word disappointed, and that's just not how we speak.

Nick: Okay. Sure.

Leah: We say, "Okay, I understand what happened. You and Tanya figure out together how to get me new gloves. Great. Thanks."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think we could take the word "disappointed" out of it if you want.

Leah: I just want to throw in another, like, "Oh, I understand what happened. You guys figure it out. Thanks so much. This is my glove size."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think we could have a tone which is actually non-judgmental and value neutral, which is like, "Oh, I'm sorry I heard that. Here's my glove size. Here's where I got them. Here's the link."

Leah: Perfect.

Nick: And that's very neutral.

Leah: "Just giving you the information."

Nick: "FYI."

Leah: "FYI, I'm assuming you're gonna fix it because of—you know you should."

Nick: Yes. Yes. I feel like we can assume that they are gonna fix it. Yes. If they don't or they resist or they're like, "Oh, I didn't realize they were that expensive," then it's like, "Oh, uh-uh."

Leah: I don't even care if they're $1.50. It's the principle.

Nick: Oh, it's absolutely the principle. Yes. But I think what is unfortunate is that a lot of people do not have the default setting of trying to right wrongs. A lot of people don't have that part in them. And when people have that missing, you can't make people have that, unfortunately. This is just a character thing.

Leah: Ugh! I like to start at, "I'm assuming you were gonna fix this. Here's the information." And then jump into, "Oh, that's disappointing."

Nick: Okay. Yes, I guess it would be disappointing if I give you the information for where to find the new gloves and you're like, "Nah." Then you could be like, "Oh, I'm disappointed."

Leah: Yeah. And "Oh, I'm not going to Tanya. You are."

Nick: Yes. Or "I'm happy to CC you both."

Leah: "You guys figure it out amongst yourselves. I'm not involved."

Nick: Yeah, I would want to take myself out of the loop and be like, "Look forward to receiving this in a couple business days. Thank you."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So back to the question about arriving early. So to recap, since we got a little sidetracked there for a second, we have somebody who likes hosting events, and we have some guest who routinely shows up early. And so what do we do with this?

Leah: And they've told the guest that the party has started later than it actually did, and the guest still showed up earlier than everybody else.

Nick: Right. And it's still not working.

Leah: I think we're gonna have to just go in direct and polite.

Nick: Yes, I think we are being too coy with this person. Yes. I feel like something way more explicit is required, which is like, "We're looking forward to seeing you this weekend. Our party starts at eight. It's really important to arrive between eight and nine and not early. Thank you." And, like, be very clear about arrival time.

Leah: And because they're family, I think we could say, "We're still running around getting things done."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "Please don't come before eight."

Nick: Yeah. "Like, that hour before the party starts is, like, our most frazzled and we're just not ready yet. Hope you understand."

Leah: Yeah. "See you at eight or after."

Nick: And then if somebody does show up at your door early, I mean, I think there's a world—if you've had this polite-yet-direct conversation with them, I feel like there's a world in which you can be like, "Oh, goodness, it's still not eight yet. Would you mind taking a walk around the neighborhood and returning after eight so we can finish up our preparations?" Like I feel like, do we need to let them in our house then, or can we, like, actually send them away? Like, is there a polite way to, like, not have them in our house until the party starts?

Leah: I mean, we've had the conversation.

Nick: Right.

Leah: We've said, "Please don't come before eight."

Nick: Right. And now you're here at seven, you're at my door. I got, like, bathrobe and avocado mask on.

Leah: Oh, man!

Nick: And I'm holding crudité uncut.

Leah: I would want to say, "I still need an hour. Do you have some errands you can run?" Or ...

Nick: "No, I'm good. Nope. Fine. Nope."

Leah: "How do you feel about sitting in your car?"

Nick: "Oh, it's kind of warm in there."

Leah: Oh, I mean, you know me. I'm gonna crack.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. I mean, I think most gracious hosts would, but it does feel like there—maybe that would be something to try at least. Like, "Oh, my goodness, we're not quite ready yet. Party starts at eight. Would you mind coming back in an hour?"

Leah: Alternative?

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: Maybe we have, like, a little room that we sit them in.

Nick: Oh, like an ante room. A green room?

Leah: Yeah, like a porch or a large closet.

Nick: Okay. Or a small closet. Okay. I like that idea. Some sort of penalty box?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Like we crate them.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Right. Okay. Yeah, or we put them in, like, something and give them a busy box.

Leah: Yeah. Or like, "I really need this hour. I'm just—let me just put you over here so we can finish up our stuff."

Nick: Yes.

Leah: And then we walk them to the stairway and just sit them down.

Nick: Okay. No, I like this idea. Okay. Building on that, so we know this about Luke. This is our Uncle Luke. We know this about him, and we know he's gonna do it. We know we've said, we've been clear but, like, we know. We know he's gonna show up five hours early. So would we want to recruit another person to babysit and be like, "Hey, other person who's cool and on our team, Luke's gonna be showing up early. We're sure of it. Would you mind coming a little early, and then when he inevitably shows up, would you mind just, like, chaperoning him and keeping him out of our hair until our party starts?" Like, maybe that's an idea?

Leah: But then we have two people in our house.

Nick: Yeah, but ideal—we all have that one friend that's cool and we don't mind. Right? Like, that friend we don't mind showing up early, like, as we're cutting vegetables.

Leah: But what if then Luke is like, "Well, Tanya was here."

Nick: [laughs] Oh, yeah. Oh, that's true.

Leah: What if ....

Nick: And then Luke's going to get a little sassy. Yeah, okay.

Leah: Yeah. Then Luke gets sassy. What if we just don't—I mean, I'm throwing things out.

Nick: Yeah. No, whiteboard it.

Leah: What if we just do not answer the door until eight o'clock?

Nick: Um, yeah. Although you know that Luke's gonna go around the back. He's gonna find an open door. He's, like, gonna crawl through a window.

Leah: I was gonna say, "I just see him crawling through the window."

Nick: [laughs] I mean, I think the only solution is that if you have a guest who just routinely disrespects your wishes, that is considered a bad guest. And bad guests are guests that you're allowed to not invite in the future. And so it may just be that Luke is not invited to your events anymore because he just cannot respect your wishes. It's harsh, but it is on the table. It is allowed by etiquette. And if Luke wants to complain, you can be like, "Well, the last 10 parties, we told you not to show up early. You did anyway. And so we just can't invite you anymore."

Leah: I mean, harsh, but definitely on the table. I think we have that conversation. "Please do not show up before this time. I need that—that's my—like, that's our go—that's our go half an hour where we're getting everything ready." As you said, this is my most frazzled. And if then they do it again ...

Nick: Then you have permission to remove them from the guest list, yeah.

Leah: Remove them from the guest list.

Nick: And they can't be mad at that because you're like, you were clear. They knew what they could and could not do. They did it anyway. And there are consequences. Etiquette crimes have consequences.

Leah: So I think we have this great three-part plan. We have a direct conversation. "Do not come before this time. Here is why." If they show up and then we say, "Hey, we're not ready yet," and they want to come in, we walk them to a back room and say, "Please stay in here."

Nick: Or we crate them.

Leah: Or we crate them.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: Then if they have no remorse whatsoever, off the guest list.

Nick: Yes. I feel like this is our three-step plan. Perfect.

Leah: Whoo!

Nick: Great! So our next thing is actually something from social media. And what is kind of hilarious about our show is that people just tag us on various social media accounts, which is like, "Paging Were You Raised By Wolves?" whenever there's, like, some etiquette crime that's happening on social media and they, like, tag us. So we weigh in on it. And it is fun just to see, like, oh, there's a lot more etiquette crimes happening in the world than, like, we get via email directly, which I guess not a surprise. But it is fun just to, like, be tagged on stuff. And so we were recently paged on this, which is quote, "A friend of mine told me that he's gone over to people's homes, and they want to charge for a pour of rare and expensive whiskey. Is this really a thing?"

Leah: I hope not.

Nick: I mean, it's not a thing that should happen, but it's a thing that happens. It's bad. It's an etiquette crime. But, like, oh, is there a world out there in which people are charging their friends for hospitality? Yeah, all the time. Yes, this is a major etiquette crime that's happening in our world. It's happening right now as I speak. I'm sure this is happening a million times.

Leah: I mean, can you even imagine saying that to a person's face? "Hey, I love this whiskey. It's, you know, this—" I don't even know what people say about whiskey.

Nick: Yes, "It's a Hibiki 21. It's beautiful. I just picked it up. I went to the factory tour near Kyoto. It's amazing. So will this be cash or charge?"

Leah: Yeah. [laughs] "I'm doing $20 for an ounce. You have cash?"

Nick: Oh, it's way more than that. Yeah. [laughs]

Leah: You just say it to your friends, "I'm just trying to recoup some of the prices, so if you'd like a taste, I take Venmo."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think if you offer something to a guest at your home, we don't charge for hospitality. I mean, that is the etiquette rule. I mean, this goes back thousands of years, and so this is not a new one. I think we should all be familiar with this. Now if you want to share whiskey with an enthusiast and it's not in the context of hospitality in your home, that's fine. I mean, you're not obligated to give away all your whiskey to anybody who asks at any time. Like, that's also not required. But it's just like, what was the setup? And it sounds like the setup here was like, "Oh, come over to my house for drinks, let's hang out and, like, oh, by the way, I'm gonna charge you for that."

Leah: I can't imagine looking in somebody's face and saying that.

Nick: Oh, but people have no shame. [laughs] So for a lot of people it's very easy. But these are the same people that charge their wedding guests. These are the same people who charge people attending their birthday party. These are the same people who charge for, like, a dinner party. I mean, like, we've gotten this question in the past where, like, you had people over for dinner and then, like, you got a bill. And it's, like, it's the same world. These people are all living in the same world.

Leah: I mean, they're all going on our island.

Nick: They all need to go on that island. Yes. Oh, listeners, do we have a name for this island? I feel like we need to come up with a good name for this island.

Leah: Oh, I bet there will be some great name recommendations for this island. And if you don't remember, it's the island where we're taking all the rude people.

Nick: Yes. Yes, what is this island nation state that will be floating in the middle of the Pacific where we're just gonna put everybody who wants to charge for whiskey. Like, that's where they can live and they can build the society they want to live in. And that's great.

Leah: The Isle of Rude.

Nick: [laughs] Right? So yeah, if you've got some good names for this island, let me know. So long story short, is this a thing? It is a thing, but it shouldn't be. So I guess that's the answer.

Leah: And I think this is what Nick said, but just to reiterate, if you have, like, this fancy bottle of something and you have friends over and you don't want to share it because it's expensive and you just want to, like, have a little bit of it over time, just don't offer it.

Nick: Yeah. Oh yeah. You're not obligated to offer anything in your house to a guest. Yeah, for sure. Like, that's fine. Yeah, host gets to decide what's on offer. But it's not okay to be like, "Oh, I will offer this to you only if, like, you pay me for it."

Leah: Eww!

Nick: Right? Now devil's advocate, maybe for a hot second, let's say I do have this amazing whiskey in my house and it's $1,000 a bottle. And I know you really like whiskey. What is the way you could try this whiskey where I'm not giving it to you? Is there a way this can be done? Is there a mechanism in which, like, I can let you know that you can buy some from me, but, like, I'm not offering it to you?

Leah: I think we don't—if we don't want to share, and—but we know our friend is a whiskey lover, maybe we don't even leave it out.

Nick: Well, let's say I am happy to sell it to you. So, like, I'm happy for some of the whiskey to be out of the bottle and in your hands. I just don't want to do that for free because it's very expensive. And I know you would really like it, and I know you would actually probably pay for it. Like, you would be happy to give me however many hundreds of dollars a shot would cost or whatever this whiskey costs. But I want to make this a business transaction. This is not hospitality. Is there a way we can introduce the topic? Or it's like, is that actually, like, not possible in the world of etiquette?

Leah: I cannot imagine after I've invited you over, maybe if we were—devil's advocate, we are outside of our—I haven't invited you over to my home.

Nick: Okay. You're not inside my house.

Leah: I'm not—I haven't even invited you for anything. We're just two friends, we're out doing something that friends do.

Nick: Right. We're having some ice cream.

Leah: And you say to me, "Oh, did you buy that whiskey?"

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And I said, "Yes, I did." And you say, "I would love to try some."

Nick: Okay. And then I'd be like ...

Leah: So you invite yourself.

Nick: Cool. I would be happy to sell you however many ounces you'd like. I guess that's what the conversation would be. I'd be happy to sell you some.

Leah: And that would—I would only—I don't even think I'd ever feel comfortable saying that, but I mean, that would be if the other person was like, "Can I have some of your whiskey?"

Nick: Yes. Although then is it rude to ask somebody to sell you their whiskey?

Leah: Well, you're not asking to sell it, you're just asking to have some. And then I say, "I'm not giving it away just because it's special. But if you want some, you can buy some of it off me."

Nick: Yeah, I guess we would have to workshop the language, but I guess it would have to be sort of that vibe. And I think the detail of not being in my house when this happens I guess is key.

Leah: Like, I haven't invited you for anything.

Nick: Right. Yes. You're not in my house for whiskey drinking in general, and there's just this extra bottle that's sort of in play. Yeah.

Leah: But I sort of think that if I had something that I didn't want to share with anybody ...

Nick: Oh, I'd hide it from my guests. I don't even want it up for conversation.

Leah: I wouldn't bring it up for conversation.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I definitely would just, like, remove it from view so it doesn't even come up.

Leah: Otherwise it's like holding it over somebody's head. "Look what I got. I don't want you to have any unless you give me money."

Nick: [laughs] Right? Yeah. So all right, send them to the island.

Leah: You know what? And then this is—this is the only—I'm gonna not do this. This is an episode where I've done this multiple times ...

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: But when you ...

Nick: Oh, is this a promise? Is this a promise you're gonna keep, Leah?

Leah: No, not at all.

Nick: Okay. [laughs]

Leah: I didn't say I promise, but I'm gonna try. I've done it twice. I'm going to try to lower it down to just once.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Going backwards. But when you said send them to the island, I thought regarding our person who shows up early, if we do not want to uninvite because they are relatives and they continue, we send them to the room for people who show up early. And it's labeled and there's, like, a TV in there or a radio, and we say, "I'm sending you to the room." We just openly own it. And we go, "I'm sending you to the room for people who show up early so we can get this finished. There's a computer in there if you want to watch YouTube videos."

Nick: Okay. Yeah. So it's basically your own island.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah, maybe island as metaphor, as physical place? Okay, I think we need to put a pin in this island concept. I think this theme might come up more and more in our show.

Leah: And then we could even say it in a jokey way so we can get it out. We'd be like, "You're getting sent to the island. You've shown up early. I'm putting on, you know, some music for you on the computer. I'll come get you when we're finished."

Nick: And then this room ideally has a double deadbolt, right?

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, ideally.

Leah: Well, that's where we put the bear. We put the bear in front of the door.

Nick: Oh, that's right. Finally, I get my bouncer.

Leah: Finally the bear bouncer is back in it.

Nick: Oh, finally. Okay, good. So our next thing is a bonkers.

Leah: Bonkers!

Nick: Which to remind you, is your opportunity to send us your most bonkers etiquette stories. And they're wonderful. They're so wonderful, so thank you for sending them in. And this one is quote, "In college, I was on a date with a guy, and he was quite good looking and a really nice guy. It was probably our third date or so, and during dinner I left for a few minutes to go to the restroom. When I returned, the waitress was sitting in my seat chatting with my date. This was not someone he knew already, so it wasn't like she was catching up with a friend. I guess she figured she would take her shot while I was gone for a hot second. I was so taken off guard that I didn't say anything, and I'm a polite person, so I would have never been rude to her. But I thought it was appalling behavior on her part. I've never forgotten the Dinner Date Takeover Move because I thought it was both really strange and really rude."

Leah: I love that Dinner Date Takeover Move is capitalized. The Dinner Date Takeover Move.

Nick: Yeah, that is a proper name for what's happened here.

Leah: Wow!

Nick: Wow. I mean, that's a bold move. That's a bold move. Yeah. And I think crashing someone's date is rude. Yeah, I think that's rude.

Leah: I would have had trouble not just hysterically, maniacally laughing.

Nick: And what we don't get from this story is like what he did. I mean, did he just sit there frozen? I mean, probably. I mean, what would you do if just like some woman sits down when your date goes off to the bathroom?

Leah: I think you would just sit there awkwardly and try to be polite. And what are you gonna say?

Nick: Yeah, like, "Oh, could you not be here? Because this looks real bad." [laughs]

Leah: But you're not doing—you know, it's not your—you didn't do it, so you're just like, "I'm just sitting here."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: I got hijacked.

Nick: I mean, I appreciate boldness in general. You know, fortune favors the bold, but I guess there is a line when it's a little too bold.

Leah: Oh, this is the line.

Nick: This is—this might be the line. Yeah, this is definitely the line.

Leah: This is bonkers! I also—this is one of those ones where I wish we could, like, do a—go back and do a quick documentary. "Hey, what were you thinking when you sat down at ..."

Nick: Oh, we know what she was thinking: "Here's a good looking guy, seats empty, gonna say hi."

Leah: You're gonna try to seal the deal and get the number while they're in the washroom?

Nick: I mean, I think that was the plan.

Leah: Wild.

Nick: And I think if it went well and he paid the check, the waitress probably would have left her number on, like, the receipt.

Leah: Yes, I think so, too.

Nick: That would have been the move, which pretty slick. Pretty slick.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So thank you for sharing this great story. If you have a bonkers etiquette story for us—and you have them, oh yes, you do. Yes, you have them. So please send them to us. And if you have questions for us or a vent or a repent, please send it in to our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!