Picking People's Brains, Dividing Group Gifts Fairly, Whittling Excessive Guest Lists, and More

**Nick:** Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

**Leah:** And it's Leah Bonnema.

**Nick:** And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

**Leah:** *[howls]*

**Nick:** ... that we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is quote, "I'm returning home from a trip that has been perfectly bookended by the same ethical quandary. In the airport security line on the way out, a young man who was college age was dressed in a blazer, but the vents still had their temporary stitch in. I thought about telling him, but didn't want to embarrass him. But I only ever learned about it because years ago someone had pointed out those stitches in my blazer. I chose to stay silent and worried that I should have said something. 

**Nick:** "In the middle of my trip, I was chatting with a work friend and colleague and noticed he had a hole where his pocket met the seam. I again struggled with whether to say something, but given that we're at a professional conference I thought I ought to alert him. So I made a light quip that the conference had gone on so long that his pants had become tired and gestured to the hole. I'd hoped that the joke would minimize any embarrassment, but he had already been made aware and joked back about it. But I still worry that I came across as rude.

**Nick:** "And now on my way to the airport, a man maybe five years younger than me, so mid- to late-20s, is wearing sweatpants, but they still have the long sizing sticker on them, and I'm once again left with not knowing what to do. We were near each other on the subway, but I fear I would just be informing him of something that he knows and in turn coming across as rude. So what's the protocol in these situations? Does the nature of my relationship change it? What about gender and age? I'm a white man in my early 30s and these other people were all other white men. I'm aware that being approached by a random man and informed of clothing issues may be frightening or seen as nagging by women because of societal norms and many men genuinely being predatory. It all just feels so fraught so I say nothing, but I feel I missed a chance to help a stranger. What do you do?"

**Leah:** I love that we have such thoughtful listeners.

**Nick:** Very thoughtful, right? Yeah, these are real issues.

**Leah:** I also love it when guys are like, "No, I get it."

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** "I really can't walk up to women because they've just—" it's been too much! We've had too many crazy people walk up and say things.

**Nick:** Yeah.

**Leah:** So even when you're, like, kind-hearted, we're on guard.

**Nick:** So let's break it down. The first thing is I think the general rule about, like, telling strangers these sorts of things is that we only want to do it if they can actually make a change in that moment. So, like, spinach on your tooth? You can do something about that right now, and so that's fair game? But a hole in your sweater? You can't do anything about that. I can't change my sweater at this cocktail party. I can't mend the hole right now. So don't tell me. I think that's the general rule, and I think that's kind of our baseline.

**Leah:** I'd like to add an addendum to that.

**Nick:** Mmm?

**Leah:** If I had a hole in my pocket that was in my pocket, and you could tell I had a hole in my pocket, please tell me.

**Nick:** Okay.

**Leah:** Because chances are I'm gonna put a key or something in that pocket.

**Nick:** That's true.

**Leah:** And then I'm gonna lose it. And so if you came up to me and just said, "Just so you know, you have a hole in your pocket. You know, don't put anything in that pocket." Oh, thank you so much, because I was about to lose my room key.

**Nick:** Right. So I think the next level to that is if the thing that is wrong is something that might cause harm, so professional harm, or you might lose your keys, like, then yeah, I think that's also fair game. Right?

**Leah:** Yes. I mean, I've struggled with this. I'll be walking next to people, and they have their tag sticking up out of the back of their neck or, like, a tag that's still from the store. You know what I mean?

**Nick:** Right.

**Leah:** You want to be like, should I tell them to flip it, or do I—maybe they don't want to be itchy. And then I actually usually end up bailing. And then I feel like—I feel the same quandary. I'm like, I would love to—you know, if somebody doesn't know, tell them. But then I also don't want to be—maybe they know, and then I'm just being rude.

**Nick:** So with, like, the tag in your shirt out, that's something they can fix in the moment. And I feel like if you can do it very stealthily, very discreet, do it in a way that won't embarrass them, then I think I would. Like, "Oh, your tag's out." And, like, that's value neutral. It's quick, discreet. Let's not embarrass them in front of other people. I would want to know, right?

**Leah:** I would want to know, yeah. I went to the bathroom the other day and I had a huge chunk of something on my teeth. And I was like, I have spoken to multiple people and nobody said anything.

**Nick:** You're like, "Oh, isn't that rude?" Because all of these people noticed.

**Leah:** *[laughs]* There's no way they didn't notice. It was right in the middle. There was no, like, maybe I didn't open my mouth. You know what I mean? It was glaring.

**Nick:** Right. And I think that's maybe another layer. Is that, how would you want this handled if it was reversed? And I think that's important information.

**Leah:** On that, what's always funny for me is people always say that to me, "Well, how would you want it handled?" And then—not you but, like, I'll be out with girlfriends and we'll be talking about something. They'll be like, "How?" And I never want it handled the same way other people want it handled.

**Nick:** That's—as soon as I said that, I was like, "Oh, I don't necessarily want to trust everybody's judgment on that." *[laughs]*

**Leah:** Because people always wanna know stuff. Like, if somebody said something about you or if, like, say you were dating a guy and—I don't wanna know. I actually don't wanna know. I love no information. So I go, "Oh, I wouldn't wanna know." And then people go, "Oh, I think everybody else wants to know." And I go, "So then don't tell me to handle it how I would want it handled."

**Nick:** *[laughs]* No, that's very valid. Yeah, that's very valid. I mean, I think for a tag out, spinach on your teeth, I think for the stitches on the blazer—and just to be clear, yes, those stitches you do take out. Those are not meant to stay in. Also, I do see quite often, like, you know, a label of the brand on the sleeve and that's still on there. Like, no, you gotta take those off. That's not meant to stay on there, unless you're making a very specific fashion choice, you know? Because there is a fashion which you do leave the label on.

**Leah:** Yes.

**Nick:** Like on baseball hats, there is a—that is a thing where we leave the stickers on. Okay, fine. That's a deliberate choice. Fashion with a capital F. Fine. But unless it's that, then you should take out the white stitch in the vent, you should take the label off the sleeve. Like, you should do that. And yeah, how would you know to do that unless somebody told you? I guess yeah, I'm telling you now. So if you've got any of those on your suits at home, like, take them out.

**Leah:** I guess—I'm just throwing this out there with the—I also didn't know about the stitching in the pockets until somebody told me.

**Nick:** Hmm.

**Leah:** And so I feel like you could go up to the person, obviously privately, and be like, "Hey, you could open it—I didn't know until somebody told me, you gotta pop the ..."

**Nick:** Oh. Oh, I don't like that.

**Leah:** No, you think that's bad? I just like to put myself first that I didn't know either.

**Nick:** No. Oh, listen how that sounds. Like, "Hey, I was an idiot too once, but now I know better." 

**Leah:** No, but that's not what you're saying. I'm saying, like, nobody knows until they pass it on.

**Nick:** *[laughs]* I appreciate the sentiment of the spirit in which that wants to be said. I just don't know if you could land that.

**Leah:** I could land it because I would mean it.

**Nick:** Even if you mean it. Like, "I once was ignorant."

**Leah:** No, but you're like, nobody knows until somebody else tells you, so I'm now telling you. And then now you can tell somebody else.

**Nick:** But in the act of telling you, you are now being informed. And so if it was just a sort of like, "Hey, the stitch in your vent is still in your suit, FYI." You are now being told, and now you're aware oh, maybe that's not a thing that should happen.

**Leah:** I think I would only tell that to a friend. I wouldn't tell it to a stranger. It doesn't seem immediate. It's not like a—it's not like a piece of blueberry on your tooth.

**Nick:** Yes. I feel like the stitching on a vent to a stranger, I'm gonna pass on.

**Leah:** I'm gonna pass on that one.

**Nick:** While yes, you could probably just rip it out with your hands, maybe you want a seam ripper? I don't know. It feels a little more involved, and so I would probably pass. Professional colleague? I think I would say something because that does reflect on their professionalism and the company. And I think they would appreciate that, and I would definitely take them aside for that.

**Leah:** And I think the easiest one of all these is the sizing sticker down the side of the guy's pants.

**Nick:** Yes. Assuming that that was not a deliberate fashion choice. Although is that a fashion? I don't think that's a fashion.

**Leah:** No, I think it's not like the hat circle sticker. This is like a size medium. You know, I think we don't leave that on.

**Nick:** Yes. So I think I would say something like, "Oh, hey, the sticker is still on your pants." Yeah. Although on some level, like, oh, do I really want to be talking to strangers?

**Leah:** I'm gonna be honest, I would not say anything to any of these people.

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** But I would also then feel bad about it and have a moral conundrum, but then I also just wouldn't.

**Nick:** I feel like I would probably say something if I could do it in a way that was discreet and then also allowed me to immediately exit the scene.

**Leah:** *[laughs]* Yes!

**Nick:** So I would want to be like, "Oh, hey, there's a sticker on your pants," and then I'm gone. If we're on a subway car and now I have to stay on that subway car with you, I don't want that. But if I can do it in passing, maybe I would. Like, we're both at Starbucks waiting for our coffee. I grab my coffee, I turn to you, and I'm like, "Oh, by the way, I think there's something on your pants." And then I leave. Like, I'm better with that.

**Leah:** Well, you could do it as you were walking out the train at your stop. If they're ...

**Nick:** Right. It could be that. Like, "Oh, by the way." But also, I feel like a subway is the wrong place, because I think in a subway, we just don't say anything to anybody under any circumstances.

**Leah:** Yeah, everybody has their backs up.

**Nick:** And even if you had spinach on your tooth on a subway, I'm probably not gonna say anything to a total stranger about that either.

**Leah:** No. But I mean, I was talking to people.

**Nick:** ight. No, I think if we're at a cocktail party.

**Leah:** Yes.

**Nick:** We're at a restaurant, bar, we're at any place where we're sort of engaged socially? Then yes, I think we do say something if they can fix it in the moment. That rule then comes into play.

**Leah:** So I think that's what it is. I think we've got it there. Are we in an engaged environment?

**Nick:** Right.

**Leah:** Or are we just two strangers standing in a train station? Engaged environment at a cocktail party? "Hey, you have something on your tooth." Train station, Penn Station, seeing somebody over there? I'm gonna leave it be.

**Nick:** Yeah.

**Leah:** Does that sound like a good baseline?

**Nick:** *[sighs]* I want a world in which somebody does tell me my tag is sticking out of my shirt. So that's a very light, mild category. That's not embarrassing. That doesn't reflect on my character, in which case, I think a stranger telling me this at Penn Station, I'm good with that. And then I guess the farther we get away from that in terms of what has happened, I guess this is where maybe I'm less and less comfortable.

**Leah:** I definitely see how our letter-writer feels like—like, I feel as a woman, it would be easier for me to walk up to a woman.

**Nick:** Yes. And I do think there is a gender role here.

**Leah:** Like, with women, like, a lot of times on the subway, you sit in something, and I see things on the back of people's pants. And I've seen a woman go up to another woman and be like, "I think you sat in something." And she was like, "Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much."

**Nick:** Right. And that's not something you can fix in the moment.

**Leah:** But you can hang your jacket over it. You wanna know.

**Nick:** You wanna know.

**Leah:** And I've actually been like, "I think you sat in something."

**Nick:** Right.

**Leah:** I just saw this one woman do it so perfectly because I wanna know, is there something on the back of my pants?

**Nick:** Right.

**Leah:** So in situations like that, I kind of feel like we're all looking out for each other, you know?

**Nick:** Yes. And I guess the example of sitting in something is I want to know because if I don't know, it might actually be causing me greater harm. So maybe that's really what it is. Is being informed going to prevent greater harm later on? Greater embarrassment later on?

**Leah:** Yes.

**Nick:** And so yes, the spinach in your tooth? Tell me, because I can fix it now and save myself any embarrassment to anybody else I might be talking to. Qualified. Tag in my shirt? Yes. It's a little embarrassing to have that stick out. I can fix it in the moment. Great. Hole in my pocket where my keys might fall out? Also tell me, because it could cause harm. Sitting in something could cause harm because other people are gonna see that, and if I could tie my jacket around my waist or do something about it, like, I would probably want to be able to have those options.

**Leah:** Yes.

**Nick:** So maybe that's the rule. So is me telling you something gonna save you from greater embarrassment or greater harm later on? And if it is, maybe that is how we decide.

**Leah:** And I also think some people are putting out a vibe like "I don't wanna be talked to. I'm in my own place. If you talk to me, I will yell at you."

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** And then some people are like, "This is an approachable person." I would definitely read the room a little.

**Nick:** Right. That's true. And I guess that's why the subway example is interesting, because on the subway, at least in New York City, most of us are definitely in please-do-not-engage-with-me mode. And so I guess that's the mode we're in, which is why doing anything on the subway does feel a little more fraught.

**Leah:** It does. But at the same time, if a woman sat down and then was next to me and then stood up and there was something I would stand up and whisper, "I think you just sat in something."

**Nick:** Okay, so I think we got somewhere with this.

**Leah:** Yes. It's clearly a very gray area.

**Nick:** Very gray. Who knew this was so gray?

**Leah:** I did. As soon as I read it, I started sweating, and I was like, I—because I relate to this man so much. Like, does it—you know, I want to be helpful, but I don't want to bother people. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable either. So you just want to do the right thing.

**Nick:** Yeah. Oh no, we all want to do the right thing. Yeah. The problem is ...

**Leah:** Not all people want to do the right thing. We do all want to do—in this group want to do the right thing.

**Nick:** Yes, our listeners want to do the right thing.

**Leah:** Yes, our listeners want to do the right thing. We want to do the right thing.

**Nick:** Correct. So our next question is quote, "I am lucky enough to appear successful in my field, and as such I am frequently asked for career advice. Recently, a new neighbor wanted to, quote, 'pick my brain.' I hate that term! I usually don't do this, but they seemed nice, and I was feeling charitable. So I spent over an hour with them giving them free career advice, which was fine. I was happy to help. Since our meeting, they have sent me a flier for their fundraiser three times over text and DM, not only to attend their expensive party, but to donate my products and services for their silent auction. I don't plan on donating or attending. It's hard enough to get me to attend a free party. Now they want to hang out again, and while I'm happy to spend more time with them on a friendly level, I'm tired of the work talk. I'm also nervous that they're going to outright ask me about their fundraiser and whether or not I will donate something. How can I politely and kindly extract myself from this unconsensual mentorship?"

**Leah:** I think I want to comment on this from the other end.

**Nick:** Okay. You're the person that is getting the free career advice?

**Leah:** Like, let's say if you do want to ask somebody. As somebody, I struggle asking people for help and, like, I see people who do it and I think, "Oh, I wish—" you know, one of the options they put out there is, "Can I pick your brain?" Which a friend of mine told me they hate that phrase, so I've never used it.

**Nick:** Yeah, it's not great. Yeah, I don't love it either.

**Leah:** And this friend of mine is somebody who often asks them to pick their brain. But people giving you their time and all their years of work and knowledge is a gift. And in return, we would then invite them for free to our fundraiser. We would say, "Can I take you out for lunch?" We would offer something in return to show how grateful we are and that we recognize that what they are giving us has value that we respect and appreciate. We wouldn't then continue. I've had the same thing happen with comedy where somebody asked me, and of course I went in there, and then they regularly sent me things. "Can you look at it?" It's like, no, I can't. I can't continue to do this. Also, people get paid to edit and ...

**Nick:** Yes. Right, exactly.

**Leah:** But it's like you think people would know there was a limit, but they don't know.

**Nick:** Yes. I mean, my first thought when I read this question was, no good deed goes unpunished. And then the second thought I had is I feel like this is one of those people who has that attitude of, "Well, it can't hurt to ask." And it's sort of like, that's not always true. It can hurt to ask sometimes. There are things you shouldn't ask for. And yeah, this person is definitely pushing it.

**Leah:** They're pushing it. But at the same time, as somebody who I wish I asked things more, and I do see a lot of people asking for things, there has to be, like, a line of, if people are doing what you want to do.

**Nick:** Right.

**Leah:** And I think that's like, "May I take you out for lunch or dinner or coffee and ask you three questions?"

**Nick:** Right. Well, I think what is missing here is probably gratitude.

**Leah:** Yeah.

**Nick:** I would suspect that if this person was genuinely thankful for this free advice and really made an effort to show that, like, I didn't hear anything about a thank-you note in this letter, our letter-writer would feel much better about giving free advice. Because I mean, I don't mind sharing my opinion. I mean, I do it every day with this podcast. I don't mind doing it because I get positive feedback back, which is like, "Oh, that was appreciated." But if I give you all this free advice and I don't get the sense that you really wanted it or it wasn't appreciated or, like, you didn't do anything with it or, like, it wasn't enough for you, or you felt like you were entitled to it, then it's sort of like, oh, I don't like that.

**Leah:** Well, I was definitely saying that in reference to you saying no good deed goes unpunished, because I think clearly this person is not being grateful to our letter-writer to then eat up their time and then be like, "Can you pay to come to my fundraiser—" that I just explained to you how to set up—"and donate your free time to that as well?" Like, what just happened? Did you just set my house on fire?

**Nick:** Yeah. Yeah.

**Leah:** I think that we could actually say to this person, "I'd love to hang out. I don't want to talk about work."

**Nick:** Yes. I think we could set that boundary. Be like, "Hey, would be great to hang out with you again. Totally. But I want to be off duty. Is that possible?"

**Leah:** And then if they do ask you straight up about the fundraiser, I think that you're well within your bounds to say, "Hey, I feel like I've donated a lot of time to this already, but thank you." And maybe that will, like, get it in their head for a second that it's like, people don't get how valuable people's time is.

**Nick:** People don't. No, that's—I think that's what it is. People don't realize that time is actually a resource and is worth a lot, especially expertise.

**Leah:** Yeah. It's all your knowledge of something you've put years and years into.

**Nick:** Yeah. Well because some people are like, "Oh, it was only 20 minutes of your time over coffee." But it's like, "Oh, no, no, no. I distilled my entire career, decades worth of knowledge and expertise down to those 20 minutes for you." And yeah, people definitely forget that part.

**Leah:** They really do.

**Nick:** Yeah. So sorry.

**Leah:** Yeah, I'm so sorry.

**Nick:** Sorry that you're in an unconsensual mentorship relationship.

**Leah:** I think very lovely that you offered to help somebody, and I think now you can—if you want to hang out with them, feel free to say, "Love to hang out, don't want to talk about work." And if they bring up the fundraiser, be like, "I think I already did enough for that, but thanks so much."

**Nick:** Boom. So our next question is quote, "I was asked to be part of a group gift. All told, there would be seven people contributing—three married couples and me. Someone proposed that we split the cost of the item four ways. I suggested we split the cost of the item seven ways since all seven of us work, and I dont think it's fair if I, as a single person, effectively pay double. Is there a right answer here?"

**Leah:** Yeah, I think the right answer is seven ways.

**Nick:** Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Right?

**Leah:** Yeah.

**Nick:** Yeah. Because, like, if we were gonna take somebody out to dinner, like a birthday person, like, oh, we're gonna take Lisa out for her birthday. And there are seven of us who are gonna do that, we're gonna split that bill seven ways, right? We're not gonna split it by couple.

**Leah:** No, it's just rude. It's just rude. You're like, "I'm paying half of what you're paying because I'm in a couple?" No.

**Nick:** But I did think of an example where we don't do that. And let me get your take on it. At a potluck, a couple would probably bring one dish, right? So if you're having a potluck and a couple is invited over, they're probably only bringing one casserole. They're not bringing two casseroles.

**Leah:** Just because there's an example where that makes sense doesn't make this work in any way.

**Nick:** No, it doesn't make the logic different. But that came to mind, and that we don't do it that way. So, like, why are casseroles different? Because they are. They're different. Maybe it's unknowable. Well, I guess that wasn't the question that was asked, so we don't have to answer it.

**Leah:** Well, it's also it's the whole household that's coming. If I brought a whole family, I'm still only bringing one casserole.

**Nick:** Oh, if I bring my entire family of 12, would I only bring one casserole? No, I feel like I would probably bring more.

**Leah:** Well, I was never gonna go to 12. I was like, maybe if there's, like, a child, two children. I wasn't—that's a team. That's if I'm bringing a whole team, then I definitely need to bring more than one thing. But I just— potlucks is, like, by group.

**Nick:** Right. Okay, so that's not this. Right. And it's also not money, so it is slightly different, right?

**Leah:** I mean, technically, everything is money.

**Nick:** No, but in etiquette world, there's fiction. We have the fiction of things that are not money.

**Leah:** Anything that's money should be split by how many people there are.

**Nick:** Yeah. Is that the rule? I guess that should be the rule.

**Leah:** Well, because otherwise it feels like you're punishing this person for not being in a couple, which is rude.

**Nick:** That is rude. Yeah. And that's not the world we live in.

**Leah:** We don't live in that world. Whoever suggested that is very, I think, solipsistic is the nicest word.

**Nick:** Mmm! All right. Good word. Good word. So yes, this should be split seven ways.

**Leah:** Seven ways for sure.

**Nick:** Final ruling.

**Leah:** Final ruling.

**Nick:** So our next question is quote, "My closest friend and I are hosting a baby shower brunch at a lovely four-star hotel/restaurant. The restaurant has indicated that seating will be limited to 30 people. They've said that they could maybe squeeze in an additional five people in a pinch, so when asked to maybe whittle down her guest list to, say, 30 guests, the expectant mother, with help from her family, returns the list with 40 guests or so. Realizing all people may not be able to attend, it still does not leave very much wiggle room. I have been informed she is having other showers, although not another fancy brunch. What to do?"

**Leah:** I would go back to the expectant mother and say, "Is there one or two people you can knock off this list? We're capped at 35, and that's with an extra five."

**Nick:** Yup.

**Leah:** And then I bet they can cross off one or two. And then I would just roll the dice and hope that four people can't make it.

**Nick:** So this really hit a button for me. And I get that this is not the exact scenario because these are friends who want to do something nice for their expectant mother friend. And, like, so this is not exactly what I'm about to say, but in general, I do want people to start with guest lists first, and then we decide what venues can work for that guest list. That makes it so much easier because then you don't have to cut people out who you want at your party. And so that would be ideal. Now obviously, that wasn't possible here because we basically went to our friend and probably told our friend, which, like, "Hey, 30, 35, please." And they're like, "How about 40?" And you're like, "Oh, but that won't work." So I understand that that was not possible, but in general, people, it would be great if we could start with a guest list, and then based on who is on that list, then we plan what budget and what venue works for that.

**Leah:** I also think it's actually a step stronger than that. I think that our lovely letter-writer and their best friend are giving this as a gift to this person.

**Nick:** True!

**Leah:** So they're like, "Hey, we're gonna rent this place. We're gonna pay for this place for your child-rearing ceremony." What is it called?

**Nick:** *[laughs]* Baby shower.

**Leah:** "We're gonna organize and rent this place for you as a gift."

**Nick:** Yep. What a nice gift.

**Leah:** I think your idea applies when it's the actual mother-to-be throwing her own. I think this was a gift. And they were like, "Here's this beautiful place in this beautiful area with—you know, it's a great restaurant, and this is our gift to you. We'll run the—organize the whole thing." And then the mom-to-be, who's got other parties happening, is overflowing it.

**Nick:** Yeah. She's like, "Actually, thank you for your gift, but it's not good enough. I need you to make it bigger."

**Leah:** "I need you to fit more people in." So I think in this case ...

**Nick:** Right.

**Leah:** I think our letter-writer is being kind with her words about the mother-to-be.

**Nick:** Oh, I think our letter writer is being very diplomatic.

**Leah:** Very diplomatic.

**Nick:** Very diplomatic. Yes. So yeah, this is not great that you have to basically hope that five people do not want to come to this party. That's what we're hoping for.

**Leah:** I mean, the other option is maybe everybody responds yes, and then a group of people get food poisoning.

**Nick:** Mmm! Isn't that what we want to have happen? 

**Leah:** *[laughs]*

**Nick:** *[laughs]* Okay.

**Leah:** How did everybody get the same chicken two nights before and have to call out? This is what they made you do. They forced you to this!

**Nick:** Right. You were forced to do *Wild, Wild Country*. Did you see that documentary?

**Leah:** No, but I love the wild.

**Nick:** Oh, I'll link to it in the show notes. If you've not seen the *Wild, Wild Country* documentary ...

**Leah:** Oh, is this the one about lettuce?

**Nick:** I mean, there was definitely, I think, a salad bar that went bad. It's been a while since I've seen it, but I feel like things happened. Things happened.

**Leah:** I'm just saying this as a person who recently had food poisoning, and wow, does it take you out!

**Nick:** Yeah. No, it's not thrilling. It's definitely not thrilling. So anyway ...

**Leah:** Obviously, that idea is off the table. I'm just saying this is what ...

**Nick:** It's off the table.

**Leah:** ... this is what they're leaving you with.

**Nick:** So I guess what we have to do is we have to ask the expectant mother which five people on her list of 40 are the lowest priority that can be invited in phase two. So we need to send 35 invites out, and we are gonna hope that five of those people don't want to come. That's what we have to hope for. And then based on that, then we would extend invitations to the people on the B list.

**Leah:** My guess is that what happened is that your friend was there and her family, and then, you know, extended family was there and they were like, "You have to bring Uncle Jim!" And then ...

**Nick:** Oh, I totally see how this snowballs. Yes.

**Leah:** Yeah. And then she got stuck in this horrible position with her family and who they wanted. You know, and you're doing this lovely thing. So I think you call your friend one on one and you secretly say, "Who can we move over? Who could be in the second round?"

**Nick:** Right.

**Leah:** Just the two of you or the three of you.

**Nick:** Yeah, I suspect that the family's really the problem, because what does happen is, like, "Well, if you invite this cousin, then we have to invite that person. And then now that that person's on the list, well then obviously we have to invite these people." And so I see how we got there. And it does feel—I think the phone call is very astute. I think in the phone call, I think the expectant mother is probably very aware of what's happening. And it's sort of like, I get it.

**Leah:** Yeah. And they're in a rock and a hard place.

**Nick:** So maybe we do good cop, bad cop. Maybe that's the way we do it.

**Leah:** And then your friend, the expectant mom, can just tell the family, "It wasn't me, it was Sharon."

**Nick:** Yeah, yeah. And yeah, or actually, it's you, our letter-writer and her closest friends. Oh, so let's throw the closest friend under the bus.

**Leah:** "It was Sharon and Nancy!" And then, "Sorry!"

**Nick:** Well no, our letter-writer can be good cop, too. It's this other friend that's being referenced who's not our letter-writer. We have no allegiance to that person.

**Leah:** *[laughs]* No, but ...

**Nick:** Let's throw them under the bus.

**Leah:** It's their best friend. I think we can tell our friend, "A part of your baby shower gift is that you can throw us under the bus with your family and say, 'We said no more to five.'"

**Nick:** Yeah.

**Leah:** "Not only are we hosting you, but we're also gonna take the blame for the five that get cut. Tell me who they are." And I would have this on the phone call, because I'm sure your expectant mother friend is also in the middle of a whole family thing and, you know, doesn't know what to do. And so it's gonna be great. It's gonna be amazing. It's gonna be gorgeous. No more than 35 people are gonna show up.

**Nick:** Yeah, hopefully.

**Leah:** No! It's gonna to be great. It's gonna be gorgeous.

**Nick:** *[laughs]* Okay, so our next thing is *Said to My Face*.

**Leah:** Oh, no, you didn't! *[laughs]*

**Nick:** We're still workshopping what the call and response is for this. So as you know, we have launched a new feature called *Said to My Face*. [SaidtoMyFace.com](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com/p/rudest-thing/), which is an opportunity for you to send us the rudest thing that has ever been said to your face.

**Leah:** Alleviating, unburdening.

**Nick:** Yeah. No, get it off your chest. And this is your actual face, but there's a lot of ways to say something directly to you. So digitally? That counts.

**Leah:** Ugh. Digitally is the worst. The people hiding behind the computer.

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** And I would like to add for our listeners that I work on these responses that we talk about in real life. And last week, I had the opportunity to have someone say something to my face that I didn't like. It was very in context of something, so it doesn't matter what it was, but we were in a group of people.

**Nick:** Mmm.

**Leah:** I didn't like it.

**Nick:** Okay.

**Leah:** And I literally did, like, a wave in front of my face.

**Nick:** Oh!

**Leah:** Like a—how would you describe this? I go like that.

**Nick:** Oh, you're kind of doing a chopping motion.

**Leah:** Like, it's a bit of a chop.

**Nick:** Like, you're like, "Mm-mm. Nope."

**Leah:** And I go, "I don't do this."

**Nick:** "I don't do this!"

**Leah:** Yeah. And this woman did a full 180. I mean, she—and then literally two people that were in the group came up to me separately and go, "I love how you did that!" Because I just—I didn't get rude. I didn't raise my voice but, you know, this other person saw me. He's like, "Hey, I was there." You know, they thought I was gonna be—so they thought they could take a step across, and I just go, "I don't do this." And then they shrunk. And to the point where other women in the group came up to me afterwards and were like, "I want to do that!* And I was like, "It's yours!"

**Nick:** I love that. "I don't do this." Yeah.

**Leah:** I'm not doing it. I'm not engaging. I'm not.

**Nick:** Yeah.

**Leah:** No.

**Nick:** Yeah. Oh, wow. Very Italian.

**Leah:** It was very—it just—and I was like, "Ugh, I'm free." *[laughs]*

**Nick:** Amazing. Okay. So *Said to My Face*.

**Leah:** You gotta throw in the neck thing. It really—you gotta have a—you do your own, whatever your own—you're welcome to the neck. But I mean, there may be a thing for you that feels good to just, like, you know. "Ugh!"

**Nick:** Yeah. No, definitely some cleansing gesture.

**Leah:** Yeah, I don't do this.

**Nick:** Which is like, "Mm-mm. No. Not engaging."

**Leah:** You're basically saying, "I'm not engaging with your trashy behavior." Nope.

**Nick:** No, this is great. And what is wild is that rude things are being said all over the place.

**Leah:** All over!

**Nick:** I mean, that is really the wild thing. So a recent submission is quote, "After I mentioned having an advanced degree from an Ivy League school, quote, 'Oh, their graduate programs are so much easier to get into than their undergraduate programs.'"

**Leah:** Wow.

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** Wow!

**Nick:** Okay, so there's that. The next submission? Quote, "My former mother-in-law, at a family gathering where others were congratulating me on my new job, said, 'I don't know why you're working. All you're doing is pushing my son into a higher tax bracket.'"

**Leah:** I don't know why he's working, Gam Gams.

**Nick:** *[laughs]* I mean, what do you say to that? Like, what is the response to that?

**Leah:** 
The response is the stare. I mean, there's nothing here that's—A) it's your mother in law, so you can't be like, "Get out of my house." You can't be like, "Did you know about the suffrage movement?" You know what I mean? You can't. There's so many things. You just—what are you gonna do but just be like, "Is that a real thing?"

**Nick:** Another submission we got is quote, "When I was introduced to a woman at a party, she said, 'Oh, have we met?' And I said, 'No, I don't think so.' Whereupon she said, 'I guess you just have a really common face.'"

**Leah:** Yep, that's it.

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** What? I would like to point out, outside of the mother-in-law, where I feel like sometimes family comes in hot for their own reasons, but the one with the school degree and the common face, obviously the common-face person felt insecure because they thought they'd met. So then they just threw out this, like, leveling. What?

**Nick:** Yeah, they did feel embarrassed. And the way they recovered from that was, "Oh, I didn't make a mistake. Your face is the problem."

**Leah:** Yes, exactly.

**Nick:** "Your face is too common." *[laughs]*

**Leah:** Yes. That's unbelievable! Which is the same with the graduate. This person obviously is insecure about wherever they went. So they're like, "Let me let you know that ..."

**Nick:** Yeah. Yeah, "Your accomplishment? Not that great."

**Leah:** Jealous much?

**Nick:** But the really common face thing is so great!

**Leah:** You just have such a common face.

**Nick:** *[laughs]* Yeah.

**Leah:** I wish I was there for that one, because I think I would have, like—I would have laughed so hard that I just—you know, that's just such a, like "What?"

**Nick:** It's such a "What?"

**Leah:** Oh, yeah. There's—"You know, I'm actually a Cylon, and there's seven people walking around with this actual face."

**Nick:** Uh oh. *Battlestar Galactica.* Wow! Deep cut. Deep cut.

**Leah:** What a great show.

**Nick:** It was. I don't know about that last season.

**Leah:** Okay.

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** I want to say that I've had somebody—with the undergraduate programs, somebody asked me when I went to school, and I said I went to McGill, which is I always say Harvard is the McGill of the United States. And they go, "Oh, I heard that if you're not going into the medical program, it's not that good." And I go, "Okay."

**Nick:** Okay. Yeah.

**Leah:** I mean, A) I didn't ask. You know, B) not true. But I'm not gonna sit here and be like, "Actually, I had to take achievement tests."

**Nick:** *[laughs]*

**Leah:** It's just like, why do people say these things? They say it out of insecurity.

**Nick:** Why do people say these things?

**Leah:** They say it out of insecurity.

**Nick:** Yeah.

**Leah:** What are you gonna say? "Sorry you're insecure about wherever you went."

**Nick:** Or you do what you do and you're like, "I don't do this."

**Leah:** "I don't do this."

**Nick:** "I don't do this."

**Leah:** With that one, I just went, "Okay." Because I don't care. You know what I mean?

**Nick:** Yeah. Sometimes just an "Okay."

**Leah:** It's when they want you to engage further that I'm not gonna do this. But if they're just gonna say something dumb, you're like, "But whatever, dude. You're gonna carry whatever this issue is throughout life. Good luck with that."

**Nick:** But you can send it to us at [SaidtoMyFace.com](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com/p/rudest-thing/).

**Leah:** Send it to us!

**Nick:** Please send it to us. And we have other domain names you can send us things to. [EtiquetteCrime.com](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com/p/etiquette-crime/),  [VentorRepent.com](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com/p/vent-or-repent/), [CordialsofKindness.com](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com/p/cordials-of-kindness/), and of course, the mother of it all, [WereYouRaisedByWolves.com](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com/). So please send us all of your things. We would love to have it. And we'll see you next time!

**Leah:** Bye!

**Nick:** Bye!