Getting Things Monogrammed, Behaving at Brunch, Requesting Graduation Money, and More

Nick: Do you monogram your cashmere scarves? Do you ask for substitutions at brunch? Do you extort your friends and family? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

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Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Woo! Let's get in it!

Nick: So for today's amuse bouche, I want to talk about monograms.

Leah: Oh! I believe I got you something sort of monogrammed.

Nick: You sure did. Yes. And I love—I love a good monogram. And the idea of monogramming stuff, I mean, this has been going on for thousands of years. And it's wonderful, but people have very strong opinions about it, a lot of thoughts about it. So let's talk about it.

Leah: Let's!

Nick: So there is the monogram, and then there's the initial. There's different technical words that are used based on what it is, but I think for our purposes, and I think for what most people think of a monogram, it's just like the letters of your name together on something. That's, I think, what we're thinking of. Whereas technically, a monogram is gonna be more than one letter, whereas the initial is just like one letter but, like, when you get something monogrammed, you're not getting something initialed when you go to a store. So I think just in the popular consciousness, the monogram.

Nick: And so there's a couple different ways it's done. And there's the single initial on something—that would be the family name, most likely. Or it could be, like, your first, middle, last name in a row, just all the same size. Or there could be a bit of a design where, like, your last name is bigger and goes sort of in the middle, and then your first name and middle name might go on either side. Or your name and your spouse's name go on either side, and then your family last name in the middle. Usually the rule is it just needs to be tasteful. However we define tasteful, it needs to be that.

Leah: Hmm.

Nick: Hmm. So that does leave things to interpretation, though. And so Emily Post, she obviously had things to say. When it comes to monograms, she really didn't like using monograms on formal invitations. So if you're gonna send something on formal stationery, no monograms for her.

Leah: I think what she would prefer is, like, a fun quote up top, like, "Live, laugh, love."

Nick: That is absolutely what she would want.

Leah: "Sun's out, guns out?"

Nick: Yeah. "Rosé all day. From the desk of Emily Post."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Oh, if only. If only Emily was having Rosé all day. Amy Vanderbilt, she had a lot of thoughts about this. And she was a complicated woman. We'll have to talk more about her in another episode because, oh, there's a lot to say about Amy. But she really liked monograms on sheets, but she preferred it to be white thread on white sheets. So that's very subtle. She also wants them to be hand done.

Leah: Oh, my—what?

Nick: Yeah, yeah. No, she doesn't like machine-done monograms. Yeah, can't be machines. She wants it hand done in that handkerchief. Yeah. I mean, that's ...

Leah: Wow!

Nick: That's a criteria. That's a criteria.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Obviously, Miss Manners, she has things to say. Somebody actually asked Miss Manners what monogram does an engaged woman get on her trousseau sheets? And a trousseau is like the clothes and linens and other belongings that are collected by a bride for her marriage, which is sort of like, "Oh, great. We get this woman, and she comes with stuff. She has her own towels, so that's good."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So you would put a monogram on all of that. And so people ask Miss Manners, like, oh, what monogram should it be? Is it, like, the maiden name is the married name? And she says quote, "The old fashioned custom was to use the initials of her maiden name. And the modern bride will find that there's a lot of sense to this rule, as the trousseau will then see her through any number of marriages. Marriages don't tend to last as long as they used to, but then heavens knows that sheets don't either."

Leah: I was gonna say stick with the maiden. That way you can leave whenever you want.

Nick: Right? But for me, when I think of monograms, I think of the Preppy Handbook. And the Preppy Handbook is this amazing book from 1980, and it's sort of parody, but it's really not. And it just gives advice for how to be preppy in that classic 1980s boat shoes, LL Bean tote bag, grosgrain ribbon. We're wearing pink and green, we're tying sweaters over our shoulders. Like that kind of preppy. And preppy people love monograms. And so this book has some very specific advice that I actually think is kind of great and I would recommend. And so, for example, for men's shirts, like, if you're gonna wear a nice button-down shirt, it only goes on the left, and it should be very subtle. Very subtle. You should not be able to see this if you're wearing a suit jacket. And it should maybe go on, like, the cuff, maybe would go, like, on the pocket or maybe below the pocket on the left rib. Or if you're real dandy, you put it on the left elbow.

Leah: Oh, wow!

Nick: Where nobody's gonna see it but, like, nobody seeing it is actually almost the point.

Leah: Wow!

Nick: [laughs] Right? Kind of love that. And if you're preppy, you can pretty much monogram almost anything. And they give a very long list. They're like, "You can monogram wallets, date books, cufflinks, keychains, ice buckets, lampshades, doormats, wastebaskets."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But there are things that they say you cannot monogram, which I think we should obey this list. You cannot monogram suits, cashmere scarves, your dog's collar—which they say is ostentatious, and when the Preppy Handbook is calling something ostentatious, you should take note. And you should also not monogram your china, because it looks like a hotel. And you should also not monogram your car unless you use nautical flags to do it. So you could use nautical flags. [laughs]

Leah: I have to say, as you say all these things, I'm visualizing you in the boat shoes.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: With a khaki and the belt and the sweater around your neck with the curl to get the sleeves together.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, what's kind of hilarious, I so did not grow up with this. Like, I actually don't think I knew what a boat shoe was until I started working in the Hamptons. Like, I was already definitely an adult, very—it was late in life. It was late in life that I came to the boat shoe. And yeah, like, grosgrain ribbon? Like, I did not know that that was something that came in belt form. Yeah. Nantucket reds, lightship basket purses? Yeah, all of this I had no idea what it was until relatively recently, so I think that's why I love it so much.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Because it's sort of like, it's not something I grew up with. So I was like, oh, yes! So, yeah, I also love a monogram.

Leah: I got Nick monogrammed ice cubes.

Nick: Yes. You got me the monogram ice cube maker. And you also got me a monogram stamp that I can use either for toilet paper or letters. Yeah. Wonderful!

Leah: I said to Nick, "I know you could also use this for letters, but I specifically want it for toilet paper."

Nick: And I gotta say, it does make my toilet paper look great.

Leah: I saw it at a fun boutique hotel, and I immediately was like, "Next present, we are monogramming his toilet paper!" [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, yeah. No, I really walked the walk on this, so everybody should get some monograms!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep and out for a meal sometime in between breakfast and lunch. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So for today's question of etiquette, I wanna talk about brunch.

Leah: I just—this is not really related, but you know how I roll. I have the strongest memory, when I first moved to New York, one of my jobs was I got a job as a server at a brunch cafe roof deck in Greenwich Village. And ...

Nick: Brutal!

Leah: ... I have never experienced—I almost gave up halfway through because it's like bottomless mimosas. You can't get four—you can't get back to the kitchen. Everybody wants—and I was like, how does a person make it through brunch?

Nick: Yeah, I think being a server at brunch is the hardest. So yeah, let's talk about the rules.

Leah: Know that your server is under duress.

Nick: Yes, it is probably the worst shift because the tips are lower, because the tickets are usually lower because, like, brunch foods are typically, like, less expensive than dinner items. So, like, the total bill is less. People also have this weird thing where they're like, "Oh, I don't have to tip as much at breakfast and lunch." Like, you do hear people being like, "Oh, I tip 20 percent at dinner but, like, I tip 15 percent at breakfast and lunch." And it's sort of like, why? Why do you feel this way? But a lot of people do have this feeling that, like, oh, those meals, you tip less. So I think yeah, servers definitely get the short end of this.

Leah: And there's so many things that are refills: coffee, tea, water, juice. Often brunches are like bottomless mimosas or some other kind of alcohol. And so you're doing that in between the meals.

Nick: Yes. So—well, as long as we're talking about the mimosas, my note for this is, if it is a bottomless situation and you are a table of four, let's try to sort of synchronize our refills a little bit rather than asking for that refill every time you personally are ready for it, so that the server can, like, bring four new ones together rather than one four times.

Leah: And sometimes that doesn't work, but it's great to be aware that that's what's happening.

Nick: So I actually went a little chronological with my list, so let's go back to the beginning. Well actually, let's dial back even further with a little history. I was looking into this. Brunch is, like, relatively new as a concept. It feels like it started in the UK in, like, the late 1800s, and it made its way over the pond to us, like, in the 1920s kind of feels like when this was happening.

Nick: And it was a very casual meal. Like, it was super casual. It was something you had at home. It was almost economical because it was sort of like, oh, you get two meals in one, so you're actually saving money a little bit. And it was so casual that I think I read in one of the Emily Post editions that you could actually, like, invite people for brunch at your house the night before. Like, that's how casual it was. It was like, "Oh, come back tomorrow morning and, like, we'll have some eggs or something." It only became like this formal event that you had at restaurants, kind of I think this was starting in the '70s. It kind of really became a thing in the '80s, and then the '90s, I think, is brunch as we know it. You know, think of Sex And the City. Like, that's brunch.

Leah: Was that the '90s?

Nick: Sex And the City? Yeah. That started in, like, '98. Yeah.

Leah: You know, I've never seen it.

Nick: Okay. I mean, it's worth seeing just because it was so influential.

Leah: Yes. I mean, I've heard so much.

Nick: I couldn't help but wonder why you haven't seen it.

Leah: I do get that reference.

Nick: Okay, great. [laughs]

Leah: I've seen some memes.

Nick: Okay, well, then maybe you don't have to watch it. And for me, I actually, I don't—I don't really love brunch. Like, how do you feel about brunch?

Leah: I don't like brunch.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: You know, especially since I work nights. And even when I wasn't a stand up, I worked as a waitress, so I like weekend days to recalibrate. I want to not have a plan. I want to go to the gym. I want to sit in my pajamas. I want to clean. I do not want to meet up with a group of people and socialize and watch tons of people around me drink bottomless mimosas.

Nick: Yeah, it's not really conducive to my lifestyle because it's just the wrong time. Because, like, I kind of get up at the same time every day, and maybe I'll sleep in a little bit, but, like, I'm ready for food way earlier than brunch time. So now, like, I'm having breakfast, and now I have to figure out, like, oh, this awkwardly timed, like, midday meal. Or maybe it's just lunch. And then it's like, okay, now it's lunch. But it's kind of the whole day, and it's like, I have other things I gotta be doing. But brunch is inherently social. Like, I think it is hard to brunch alone, right? It does require other people.

Leah: I think that's what it is. It's just that I need—like, I need a day where I don't have to be social at all.

Nick: Yes. Yes. I want solo eggs.

Leah: I totally need solo eggs.

Nick: But if you don't? So the first thing on my list is: check in with people before you leave the house. Because I do feel like there are a lot of brunch plans that get made, and then people have different feelings that morning depending on how the night before was. So I think you always just want to check in with the other people and be like, "Hey, we still on for brunch?" So I think that's just a pro tip. And then I think we want to make sure we are on time for this event, because rare is the brunch restaurant that will seat incomplete parties. And you do not want to be the person that is responsible for holding up everybody else.

Leah: I was gonna say: show up on time and together because people are often hungry.

Nick: Right?

Leah: And the restaurant is—it's their busiest time. They can't hold tables.

Nick: Yeah. And then I don't—I guess this is etiquette? Well, I'm gonna say it. Don't wear your sunglasses inside. And it does feel like brunch involves a lot of indoor sunglass wearing, for some reason in my mind. And so if that's something you're doing, don't.

Leah: How do you feel about, like, rose-colored glasses?

Nick: Is it for seeing? Are these prescription?

Leah: No, it's a part of your—it's a part of your look.

Nick: Um, okay. I mean, that's—it's provocative. It's an edge case. It's an edge case.

Leah: You know, some of these, like, cool sunglasses that are, like, yellow, but, you know, you can still see people's eyeballs. I'm fine with that.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: It's an outfit. It's an outfit.

Nick: Okay. I will allow that as long as I can still make eye contact with the server and with other people. Okay. Okay, I guess I'll allow that.

Leah: So, Nick's—it's specifically that people can see your eyes.

Nick: Well, I mean, why is wearing sunglasses inside rude, right? It's that I'm not getting a full connection. I don't know if I have your attention, right? I mean, is that what it's about?

Leah: I mean, it's your thing.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Okay. For me, I think that's what it's about. [laughs] Yeah, I think that's—for me, it feels like I don't have your full attention or you're not present, or you have—sort of your attention is elsewhere. Yeah, I don't know why I don't like sunglasses inside. But I'm not the only one. I feel like this is a well-established etiquette rule that we don't wear sunglasses inside. It's kind of like hats, you know?

Leah: You're looking directly at me as I'm wearing a hat.

Nick: Leah's currently wearing a hat indoors.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And it is not a fashion hat.

Leah: I'm just breaking rules left, right and center.

Nick: Well, it's like poetry. You can break the rules if you know them.

Leah: I am the e.e. cummings of ...

Nick: You are the e.e. cummings of etiquette. But yes, sunglasses, just know that, like, you know, I think we want to just be mindful of that topic, and so you can interpret that role as you wish. Similarly, phones. You know, I know there's lots of fun things to take pictures of at brunch, but I feel like, for all meals, I feel like we really don't want to have our phones out.

Leah: I recently saw—and I should have screenshotted it ironically so I remembered exactly what it was, but it just popped into my head. I saw a place where they give you some kind of a discount, or—I don't remember exactly what it was, if you leave your phone at the desk in the front.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So it's not out all the time. I really liked that.

Nick: I think that's nice. Yes. Although, watch that be the restaurant that has a QR code menu and you have to use your phone.

Leah: [laughs] That's so true. That's so true.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And you're like, what just happened?

Nick: Next on my list: try not to go off menu. I think this is super inconvenient for the kitchen. It'll hold up the rest of your diners. Like, just try to stick to the menu that they prepared for you.

Leah: I think you can say, "Can I have the dressing on the side?" "Leave off the bacon."

Nick: Yeah. I mean, there is a limit. I think what we don't want to do is, like, "Oh, I see that you have a side of sausage that comes with this dish, and then this dish comes with the biscuit, and then you also have, like, a pancake here. And, like, I want you to take those three different items and put it together for me to create a new dish. I feel like we want to avoid this.

Leah: Yeah, we do want to avoid this. I feel like I've brought this up before, but I do feel like it bears repeating. When I was a waitress at this summer resort for—it was a sailing resort. Did I tell you this story? I must have. And you would have the same family for a week. So I had multiple families, I had them all three meals. I had one woman who always wanted three ice cubes in her drink. I think I told you this.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: And so every time one melted, I had to be ready to get a new ice cube. It was—as a server, it's so difficult when people just decide to make something very important.

Nick: [laughs] I mean, I think that's not just for servers. I think just in general, it's very difficult when somebody decides to make something important. Yes.

Leah: You want to be like—I was like, "Hey, how about I bring you a—" you know, if it's a thing where you're like, three is your lucky number and you need it for whatever, how about I bring you a bowl of ice cubes? And you have those ice cubes, and when one runs out, you can drop it in there. But she wanted me to wait on her constantly, and I was like, "I have all these other tables." I think, for me, that's the big thing: when you're brunching, know it's a social event, and every—there's a lot of people.

Nick: It's almost like group fitness, where, like, your happiness cannot come at the expense of other people's happiness in the room. And so we're all brunching together, and we all have an equal right to brunch. And so yeah, you don't want to necessarily hog the server's attention.

Leah: And obviously, you want to get your bottomless mimosas, you want to have your coffee refilled, but there is a lovely way in which to do that.

Nick: Yes. Oh, for sure. Yeah. It does not involve snapping.

Leah: Or bringing a bell.

Nick: Or bringing your own bell.

Leah: Or a whistle.

Nick: Don't do that. And then I guess that brings me to tipping. So yeah, you gotta tip, and you gotta tip the same as if it were dinner, maybe even better.

Leah: You have to tip.

Nick: Yeah. Well, you have to tip, of course. But yeah, you have to—I think you need to tip well, because brunch, yeah, I think it is really the worst shift, and I think it is nice to acknowledge this.

Leah: And I do feel like a lot of time, people are like, "Money's tight, and, you know, things are expensive," and then it's like, then maybe—and I feel like this sounds harsh, but I mean, I've been in this position, then it's like, if you can't tip, you shouldn't go out to lunch because it's a part of the payment.

Nick: Yes. It's like, you know, sales tax is part of it. Like, you have to pay it. The tip is part of the wage. That's the deal. It is not an optional thing here. Right.

Leah: And that's just what it is. And I think we've all been out to lunch with people where you split it, and then one person is like, doesn't include the tip, and you're like "What are you doing?"

Nick: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, that brings me to the next topic, which is splitting the bill, which I think at brunch is so fraught because inevitably somebody had all the bottomless mimosas, and then somebody didn't drink at all. And then people are like, "Oh, let's just split it." And it's kind of like, "Well, I didn't have mimosas so, like, I'm not splitting it." And I think for that person, it is totally fine to speak up. You do not need to be quiet. Be like, "Hey, I think we all kind of got different things, so, like, maybe let's just pay for what we got." And that's fine.

Leah: I think so too, because I feel like, especially as a non drinker, people who had, like, seven martinis are like, "Let's split it." And you're like, "I don't think so."

Nick: And that also goes for any sort of major disparity. Or you figure out, like, oh, I'll leave the tip. Or I mean, some acknowledgement that, like, oh, what we got was not even.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: If it's close, though, like, if it's pretty close, within a couple bucks, then I don't think we want to necessarily, like, get out the abacus and make sure it's, like, perfect.

Leah: Yeah. No, if it's close, just split it. But I do love the idea of pulling out a full size abacus and putting it on the table.

Nick: Do you know how to use an abacus?

Leah: I've definitely used one. Was I using it correctly? I don't know. I just like moving the things back and forth.

Nick: Okay. Oh, you were playing with an abacus.

Leah: [laughs] Is that not the same?

Nick: Oh, they're super fun. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's everybody's homework. Learn how to use an abacus.

Leah: Just in case you have extra time this week amongst the chaos of life, learn how to use an abacus.

Nick: Squeeze that in. Actually, as I said that, I was like, where would I get an abacus?

Leah: I'm actually shocked that you don't have one.

Nick: I mean, it is the type of thing I would have. So I mean, it's not an inconceivable thing, but yeah, I mean, I guess, other than online, is there a place in New York City where I could buy an abacus?

Leah: Well, don't, because Santa may have something in your stocking.

Nick: Oh, great. Okay. Christmas is coming!

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Lastly with brunch. Gotta get out of there. Do not hog that table. As soon as you're done, just—there are other people who want that table. So just be very mindful of, like, the long line that you had to wait in? Like, pay it forward.

Leah: I also love that Nick and I took something that's supposed to be a fun event that you do with your friends on a Sunday after, like, a while, a hard week of work, and then a wild night out, and we have just ruined it.

Nick: Why are we so hostile to brunch, Leah? Like, we're really hostile. We're really hostile to brunch.

Leah: I think if we—when we relisten to this, we're gonna be like, "Wow, we are both hostile brunch people."

Nick: Why does Nick and Leah hate brunch? Why do they hate joy? Why do they hate lovely weekend traditions?

Leah: I think that if ...

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: I think that we should admit now that we both obviously dislike it, and if you just want to go have a good time and just be aware of other people, do that. And don't listen to anything that we said.

Nick: Also fine. [laughs]

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "I have a friend who, when she has an extra ticket to an event or show, sends a group text to several people saying that whoever responds first gets the ticket. This feels odd to me, especially because I don't know many of her other friends, and I wind up on a group text, albeit briefly, with other strangers. But is this rude?"

Leah: I have a two-point answer to this because I actually feel like there's two things happening here.

Nick: Yes. And actually, the one thing that I'm bothered by, I don't know if our letter-writer is. So what's your first point?

Leah: I think if what bothers you is that you're in a group text with people that you don't know and they have your phone number ...

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: ... then it's fine to say, "Hey, can you take me off that group text just because they don't know these people?"

Nick: Okay, that's fair.

Leah: And then the other thing is that I can imagine why it would feel weird that this person does this, but a lot of times I get my spots this way. People will text and say, "Somebody just fell out. I have this open. Whoever responds first gets it."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And I know it's just because they're short on time and they need to fill it, and they can't wait for one person to respond and then go to the next person and then go to the next person. So I take it with that in mind.

Nick: Yes. And for me, that actually feels like the etiquette question. Like, is that rude to, like, have this group sort of pressure, whoever gets it first calls dibs thing? And I don't think our letter-writer actually is bothered by that part. It's just the group text thing.

Leah: At first I thought that's what they were bothered by, but then on your readthrough, I thought it was the group text.

Nick: So yeah, for the group text, what Leah said, do that. But yeah, what do you do when you have an extra ticket to something and you don't want it to go to waste? But yeah, asking one person and then maybe they don't respond right away, and then how long do you give them to respond before you have to go to the next person? That's not great. And so the sort of the mass text message is more efficient, at least from the donor perspective.

Leah: It's much more efficient.

Nick: And I guess, is that rude if I didn't get to it fast enough? I guess it's okay.

Leah: I don't think it's rude. I think that if you don't like being a part of that, then you can just ignore it.

Nick: You can also ignore it. That's true. Yes.

Leah: But I see it from the person's point of view, where you're like, "I can't take two days to figure this out. Let me know who's available."

Nick: And then I was thinking, would it be nice if there was a BCC option for texts?

Leah: I wish there was a BCC option for texts.

Nick: Right? It does feel like that would be an innovation here, because then I could just do that.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Right? And so I can't do that, and so that's annoying. So why isn't this a thing? Why has nobody invented this?

Leah: I don't know. Message—why don't you message—who are we messaging? Apple?

Nick: I'm gonna—Yeah, I'll just message Tim. Sure. "Hey, Tim."

Leah: "Hi, it's Nick.":

Nick: "Hi, it's Nick. No last name needed."

Leah: "No last name. You know who I am."

Nick: "How are things coming along with the BCC on the text? Thanks. Guinea pig kisses. So our next question is quote, "My friend has a son who's a senior in high school and will be sending out graduation invitations. Is including a QR code for Venmo on the invitation appropriate in place of some sort of registry, and to help those out who no longer write checks? I'm inclined to tell her to maybe include it as a separate card in the envelope, but wanted your take on this question."

Leah: It makes me feel uncomfortable.

Nick: Yeah! Okay. And why? Why does it make you uncomfortable?

Leah: If I send you a, "Hey, I'm graduating?"

Nick: Oh, my goodness! Congratulations!

Leah: Thank you. I'm just letting you know I'm graduating. I want to share good news.

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: I send you a, "Hey, I'm graduating with a QR code?" I'm saying, "Hey, I'm graduating. I expect money."

Nick: Now Leah, you are a student of this show, and I have quoted a certain someone many times on this topic.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And I believe there is a phrase we can use for this very circumstance. Leah, what is this phrase?

Leah: I believe this phrase is "An invitation is not an invoice."

Nick: Ah, yes. Oh, so wise! So wise. Yes. Yes.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Judith Martin definitely is onto something with this. Yeah, I mean, you're basically saying, like, "Hey, everybody, this is extortion." Extortion is rude. Like, there's no polite way to do that. There just isn't. And to basically say on this invitation, "I am asking you to give me money or to do my shopping," like, yeah, it's just—it's not really done. It is done all the time. And yes, it is very commonly done, but I don't like it, and I don't think we should do it. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's, like, a thing that I like.

Leah: I would actually go as far as to say if it's common, Nick does not like it. And the more uncommon, the more likely he will like it. I have no problem with a wedding registry. I get that.

Nick: Well, here's the thing. Okay, we're gonna go there. So ...

Leah: I just want to say that I see this as a very—this is different.

Nick: Well, I think it is okay to have a registry. So if you want to have a graduation party and you want to have a registry for that, that's fine. But the registry for this, for weddings, is for the convenience of your guests. So the polite way to do it is to not say you have a registry, but if a guest asks, "Hey, are you registered anywhere?" then you can volunteer this information. Because, like, guests should be free to purchase something that they think you would like, you know? It is actually more polite to let guests pick and decide how they want to spend their money, rather than being told how they're gonna spend their money. But there are a lot of guests that you might have who don't know you that well or know your taste, or don't have time and would just rather go online and just like, click, click, click, and, like, have something sent to you, in which case, very convenient for your guests. Have a registry.

Nick: But to basically say, like, "Oh, you must do shopping for us off of this list," this is where it gets a little too far. So for this graduation invitation, yeah, if somebody doesn't want to write a paper check and asks you, "Hey, is there another way I could maybe send graduating high school senior some cash? Is there an electronic payment method available?" Then you could volunteer the Venmo name or volunteer that there's a registry. But I think to come out of the gate unsolicited? Yeah, that's too far for me.

Leah: I agree. Part A) The reason I like a wedding registry is I want to know what you need, and I have no problem with you giving me that registry up top. With the graduation ...

Nick: Have you seen registries, though? This is not a list of things people need. People do not need a lot of these items that I've seen on registries. [laughs]

Leah: I'm telling you how I feel.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, your feelings are valid.

Leah: [laughs] Nick, I want you to know, said that in a way where he let me know that my feelings are not valid at all.

Nick: None of this.

Leah: B) With the graduation, I feel like we're sharing good news.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Yeah, you're letting me know, "Hey, my kid did this great thing, and we're celebrating." And then I—as Nick said, I can reach out and be like, "Hey, I'd love to shoot you a Venmo. Do you have a Venmo? Does he have a Venmo?"

Nick: Exactly.

Leah: But don't send me the QR code.

Nick: I mean, so many people just assume any notice about a graduation is an invoice, even without a QR code, because as a society, we are now so primed for this that anytime you get this type of invitation, you're like, "Oh, well, I guess they want money." And so I don't think you're gonna see less money coming in if you leave the code off. I mean, everybody, I think, nowadays, does just interpret this as an invoice.

Leah: I think it would be nice if we didn't, because that way people could just share their good news and not worry that people were thinking of it as an invoice.

Nick: Oh, I would love to live in that world. Yes. I just don't think we live in that world anymore.

Leah: I do think a lot of people are just sharing their good news.

Nick: Yes. And those are nice people. But so many people who receive this have been extorted by friends and family for so many years now that they just assume, like, "Oh, here's another request for money."

Leah: And I also—like, if a friend of mine's kid graduates and I—they're like, "Hey, they're going to this college," you know, I would love to, like, get them a hat from their new college or a sweatshirt, you know?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Something like that. But I don't feel like they're asking me to. I feel like they're just sharing the good news, and then I can be a part of it however I want to be.

Nick: Yes. And I think that's the polite way for this to be done on all sides. Yes. So I think you know my feelings. [laughs] So thank you for allowing me to share them. And you out there, if you want our feelings on something, let us know! You can let us know through our website WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: I'm gonna vent, Nick.

Nick: Okay! Feels like that kind of week.

Leah: Yeah, it really does. In case our listeners haven't noticed, Nick and I came in at a 10.

Nick: Yeah, well, we came in at a 10, and I think we're gonna leave this at about a 20.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So what has happened?

Leah: And also, I think I want to keep this as a deep dive later because it's really bothering me.

Nick: Okay. All right. So we're just gonna, like, dip our toe into this water.

Leah: We're gonna dip our toe in, and then maybe we'll dive all the way in later to be like, "Why do people think this is okay?"

Nick: Okay. What happened?

Leah: So I've been blowing out my hair, which I used to do before the pandemic a lot. It's fun. If you have curly hair, sometimes you like to be straight. Sometimes you like to be curly.

Nick: Yeah. Variety. It's the spice of life.

Leah: The spice of life. And—and not our listeners. I actually noticed our listeners have been writing me lovely messages that are usually like, "Love the blowout! Love it curly, too! Two great looks!" Like, we have the politest listeners.

Nick: For sure.

Leah: So this is not a listener, this is out in the world. People have just been saying to my face or messaging me, "Stop blowing out your hair. Leave your hair curly."

Nick: And just to be clear, you did not ask these people for their thoughts.

Leah: Oh I wasn't like, "What do you think of my ...?"

Nick: [laughs] Right.

Leah: I've actually been having fun with it. I've done posts like, "Having so much fun." And that's when people will be like, "I don't like it. Why are you doing that?" And you're like, "What's wrong with you?"

Nick: Yeah, it does feel like there's something about hair specifically that makes people feel like they have license to comment.

Leah: It's not a vote.

Nick: Also that. Right. [laughs]

Leah: It's not a group decision. I would never do that to anybody else. They have a new style they're enjoying. "Ugh! Why are you doing that? Go to the other one."

Nick: Right.

Leah: What's going on?

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: A lot of people—let me tell you, when people like it and they say, "I love your hair," thank you. I love a compliment. If you don't like it, feel free to zip it up and keep it to yourself.

Nick: Yeah. It does not require a comment. Yes.

Leah: And I'm just bringing it up because it's happened so much, and I actually had a woman who also has curly hair message me and go, "Love the blow. It's so fun! Have you had a lot of straight-haired women messaging you telling you to stop blowing out your hair?" And I said, "Yes!" And she said, "It's incredible. Every time I do it, people do it to me too."

Nick: So it's a thing!

Leah: It's a thing!

Nick: Wild!

Leah: Just don't do that.

Nick: Although why is it a thing? Okay. Oh, this is a great deep dive. Okay.

Leah: I may make a compilation of all of the messages.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, start compiling it. Let's get some data here. So for me, I would like to repent.

Leah: What? Where is Nicholas Leighton and what have you done with him?

Nick: I mean, isn't that a great question? So long story short, I'm at an event for venture capitalists in New York City, which is not a world that I've spent a lot of time in and kind of interesting. Definitely very interesting crowd. And, like, two people ran into each other and are like, "Oh, I haven't seen you since Aspen." And so when you refer to a city as sort of in that way? Yeah, I mean, that says something.

Nick: And one person had just, like, flown in from London and was off to somewhere else and was like, "Oh, I'm always on the road." And I sort of made some offhanded comment, which was like, "Oh, you must be very good at packing." You know, you must be very efficient at it. And the conversation sort of turned towards, like, "Oh, I wish I had, like, a silhouette. Like, the one thing I could just, like, always wear. Like, wouldn't it be great to be like that Theranos lady?" And when I tell you that the record scratched so hard when I said that, I referenced the Theranos lady. And that was Elizabeth Holmes, who is now, like, convicted of fraud in connection with this blood-testing company. And she was backed by a lot of VC funds.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And there's actually some great documentaries about it, but she's famous for always wearing a black mock turtleneck. Like, she just picked that as her silhouette, which was like, that was the big takeaway that I got from the documentary because, like, her company was like, of course there's nothing here. Like, how did all these people give her money? But that was my takeaway, that she always had just like the same silhouette. But when I tell you how pin-drop quiet things got after I said her name, it was—I was like, "Oh, I really—I stepped in it this time. Uh oh!"

Nick: So I think my brain figured out, like, oh, I shouldn't have said that. And I made a joke, which I think was like, "Oh, ha ha. But I guess she looks good in orange jumpsuits now." Or something. Like, I feel like I said that, but oopsie daisy! Yeah, no, that was—yeah, that was—it wasn't great. It wasn't my finest moment. So, lesson learned. Every group has their heroes and villains, and I think it's really important to know who they are before you enter a new group that maybe you're not familiar with.

Leah: I mean, I love a record scratch. It happens to me a lot.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, it doesn't happen to me that often, so that's why it's so scary. Yeah.

Leah: [laughs] Welcome, Nick! Welcome!

Nick: I know. I don't like it at all.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Oh. How do you live like this?

Leah: [laughs] There's a lot of laying awake at night, going over and over the conversations.

Nick: Yeah. No, I definitely thought about this one quite a bit. But what's good though, if there is a silver lining, is that now I have a repent on my list, so that when we do, like, an episode 300 accounting, I'll have something.

Leah: Get the abacus!

Nick: [laughs] Okay, great. Yeah, maybe I will.

Nick: So, Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned that saying "Elizabeth Holmes" to venture capitalists is like saying, "Voldemort" at Hogwarts.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Or worse. And I learned that you don't like brunch.

Leah: [laughs] I mean, is it a shock to anybody that I don't like socializing?

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, maybe I didn't learn that. And so thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, we want you to help support our show because have you noticed that there's no end credits? Yeah. Because there's nobody else to thank. Leah and I produce this show, we edit it. Like, we do the whole thing. And so we would love it if you would help support us. So go to our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, and select "Monthly Membership" and see if that's something you'd like to do.

Leah: We'd appreciate it so much.

Nick: We would. And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: I'm gonna do a Cordials of Kindness to Nicholas Leighton.

Nick: Uh oh! Well, I recall you went over last time, so you have to go short this time.

Leah: Don't give me rules. I think that Nick may have meant this in a jokey way, but I think under the joke, it actually came from the heart.

Nick: Uh oh.

Leah: Nick sent me some songs about Lacey. Um ...

Nick: [laughs] I did. Yes. I did send some music that was about her dog. Yes.

Leah: And me.

Nick: Yes. Yes.

Leah: Running through the streets of LA.

Nick: Yes. AI can now make music. And which I mean, isn't that terrifying on a lot of levels? But it can also make Leah cry, I guess.

Leah: It did. I got a little misty, and I loved it so much. And I've listened to it so many times, and I absolutely adore it. And it really touched both Lacey and I. I played it to her. We've sung it together.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: All right. Well, thank you, AI. And for me, I'd like to read a nice review we just got, which is quote, "I so appreciate this podcast. I love how interactive it is, and I'm always so curious to hear how Nick and Leah will solve the world's etiquette crimes. I learn something new every time, and it inspired me to purchase personalized stationery."

Leah: Lovely!

Nick: Isn't that nice? Yes. Well, I'm so glad that there's more stationery in the world. And if you've ever been inspired to buy stationery, send us a note on it. I'd love to see people's stationery.

Leah: Nick really does love stationery.

Nick: I really do. Yeah. No, it's not an act. No, it's really sincere. And I really love it when you all send it to me. Write me a letter, say hello. Yeah, I would really love to see all of your stationery. So thanks for this great review. It really made my day.

Leah: So nice!