Enjoying Petit Fours, Visiting New York City, Tracking Down Perishable Gifts, and More

Nick: Do you confuse mignardise with petit four? Do you dress down for the theater? Do you steal laundry carts? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

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Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Let's get in it!

Nick: So for today's amuse bouche, I want to talk about the bookends to a fancy French meal.

Leah: So far, I know what bookends are.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: And I am familiar with some French meals. So here on out, I know I'm not gonna know anything.

Nick: Well, you know about one of the bookends, which is the amuse bouche.

Leah: Oh, yes, I know the amuse bouche!

Nick: Yes. Yes. So you're 50 percent there. And so yes, this segment is named after that part of the French meal, which is the sort of the beginning, the taste, the teaser, the welcome. It's just sort of to awaken the palate. And so the amuse bouche does that for our show, and that's also what it does in a French meal.

Leah: The happy mouth.

Nick: The happy mouth. But there's a bookend at the end of the meal, and after you've already had dessert, there will often be teeny, tiny little pastries and cookies and gelées and little beautiful one-bite, delicious little sweet things that will come out at the very end of the meal.

Leah: On, like, a little plate, right? In the middle.

Nick: I mean, often they're on a plate of some sort.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: They're not just thrown in your mouth by a waiter.

Leah: Well, that's how we do it at my house. "Open up! I'm tossing it in."

Nick: [laughs] You're all just birds. Yeah. No, it will often come on a plate, or maybe, like, a little stacked, tiered thing could be cute. Or a little tray. Yeah, but there'll be something. And these are adorable. And these are often called "petit four," which literally means little oven.

Leah: I actually knew that one.

Nick: Yes. However, that is actually not 100 percent accurate, and I do feel like we want 100 percent accuracy here. And so petit four refers to something that is baked. And the history on this is that, like, until relatively recently, ovens didn't have temperature control. It was either just like, full blast or not on. And so as ovens were, like, cooling down—and picture, like, France. Picture Versailles. Picture Louis XIV. These ovens. And as the ovens were cooling down, the bakers would toss in pastries and things when the temperature was, like, a little lower to actually, like, bake those things. And so the "little oven" is what this was called. And so things that came out of the little oven, "petit four."

Nick: Now this really does refer to just things that are baked, though. And at the end of the meal here, there will be things that aren't baked, like gelées or, like, little mini tarts or, like, little teeny tiny cake things. And those are called "mignardise." So you have mignardise and then petit four, which are two different things. People combine these in terms of one topic, but I think for precision—which isn't that what we want?—they are two slightly different things.

Leah: I feel like I have a wealth of information now.

Nick: Oh, well but there's more.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: So a little more history on where, like, the petit four comes from. I think this is not true. I think this is a fake story. I don't know if there's historical evidence.

Leah: The oven story?

Nick: Well no, the oven part is true. The idea that, like, oh, ovens do need to cool down.

Leah: Oh, the story that you're about to tell us is fake.

Nick: Yes. What you're about to hear, I don't know if it's true.

Leah: Uh-huh.

Nick: But it does have to do with Louis XIV, who famously loved food, and he also loved pitting people against each other. I think that was also something he was kind of into. Because, like, the politics of the court of that time, of people jostling for attention and favor, like, this was, like, the whole game. And I think he loved it.

Nick: And so one story goes that he challenged his chefs to surprise him. And, like, how do you surprise Louis XIV? I mean, honestly? Like, this is somebody who has unlimited resources, who has eaten everything and is like, how do you surprise him? And so the story goes that one of the chefs decided to, on a big tray with, like, a big metal dome, put one teeny, tiny piece of cake, teeny, tiny bite in the middle of this tray. And picture this servant walking through the dining room, hand extended into the air, holding that tray, grandly presenting it to the king, removing the lid, and on this big tray, teeny, tiny cake. Apparently, the king was very surprised, and it was like, "Ah, this is wonderful!" And so because of that, the idea of, like, oh, teeny, tiny things, like, became a thing in France.

Leah: It's a fun story.

Nick: It's a great story. But, like, I don't think there needs to be an origin story for why we think teeny, tiny things are cute. I mean, it works for babies. It works for ponies.

Leah: Puppies.

Nick: We like little miniature versions of big things, you know? We like cupcakes. So I don't know if that story is true, but I think it is fun. But yes, this just is one of those things that exists in the world that I want you to know about so you're not surprised. Although I guess if you were surprised by, like, extra pastries at the end of a meal, like, I guess that's not the worst surprise.

Leah: And you're not negatively surprised. You're never like, "No!"

Nick: Well, it often comes after you're, like, totally full and you're like, "I really honestly couldn't eat more, but that does look delicious." And restaurants now actually do often just, like, give it to you to take home.

Leah: I was gonna say that you just slide that into your purse. Oop! [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I honestly feel like you are totally allowed to take all of that home. Yeah. I would have no shame being like, "Oh, can I have all these petit four and mignardise to go? Merci." And if they wanna judge me for that, I'm prepared for that.

Leah: They were gonna judge me anyway. So I'll just take the cake with me.

Nick: [laughs] You might as well have some pastries to take home then.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep into New York City!

Nick: So for today's question of etiquette, we want to talk about New York City etiquette.

Leah: Because we get so many questions that are specifically New York City based.

Nick: Yes. And over the episodes, we have definitely touched on a lot of these topics, and it's come up, but we thought, oh, let's actually, like, spend some time exploring a little further. And so we got a great question from a listener, which is quote, "My husband and I are coming to New York for a quick trip, and I'm wondering about some of the etiquette. Our plan is to be complete tourists: go to a concert at Madison Square Garden, go to the Met, see a show on Broadway. So far, I know that if I step up to a deli or a coffee counter, I should be ready to order right away. And that's about it. What do I wear to a show on Broadway? Who do I have to tip? Are there subway etiquette rules? Anything else?"

Leah: Let's start with subway etiquette rules out of that.

Nick: I mean, there are technically rules that everybody should follow. I don't know if that's what's happening down there.

Leah: It is not. But off the top of my dome, when you're exiting and entering the subway, there seems to be a lot of people that just stop at the entrance and look at their phone. No!

Nick: No.

Leah: We have to go up the stairs and move out of the way before we check something. Or if we're coming down the stairs, don't stop at the bottom. Like, step to the side. Or I've noticed people will, like, go through the turnstile and then just stop right there and then look at their phone. You're like, why are we stopping in moving areas?

Nick: I think people don't realize that in New York City, walking is our driving. So if you would not do it on the highway, you shouldn't do it in New York City on the street or anywhere where people are walking. So, like, you're not gonna just stop in the fast lane and then, like, send a text message if you're driving. No, of course you wouldn't. So, like, why would you do it in New York City when you're walking down the street?

Leah: Yeah. Move through the entrances and exits, and then step to the side if you have to look at your phone or look in your purse or whatever you're doing.

Nick: You're not gonna stop your car on the off ramp on a highway. No, pull off all the way.

Leah: Pull off!

Nick: Yes. Another thing that I think is maybe very New York or maybe just me, it has happened quite a few times in the last month, and so it's very fresh. I am standing on a bus or a subway and we're still moving. We're still moving, and somebody behind me aggressively says, "Getting off! Getting off!" And it is always going to be Times Square, it's always going to be some major station, which is like, "We're all gonna get off at this station."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But it's also like, it's a packed subway. We're still moving. I know you're behind me and want to get off, but it's sort of like, I can't do anything for you right now. I can't move out of your way. And when the time comes to actually exit, I will be delighted to move out of your way or get off with you because we're all leaving at this station. But just this tone of the "I'm getting off and you're in my way" is like, oh, I don't need that tone.

Leah: Nick does not care for that!

Nick: It feels like it's coming with so much previous baggage.

Leah: It does. Yeah.

Nick: You know, just a lifetime of just struggling to get off of the bus or the train car when people wouldn't get off. And it's like, okay, but, like, you know, let's have every day be a new opportunity for people to do the right thing, and let's, like, assume the best.

Leah: That's when I employ "samesies." Also in that same vein—talk about samesies—as a reminder, we let the people getting off get off first.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Because I was just in New York, and I remembered—I remember this. I went to get off, and then somebody who was coming on the train was directly in the middle of the doors opening, and I wanted to be like, "Where do you want me to go? You want to come in? I gotta get off."

Nick: Yeah. And actually, a great New York response would be to say that to them directly.

Leah: I just stared in her face.

Nick: [laughs] That works, too.

Leah: And she actually stepped to the side.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: Okay. Now, Broadway show? What should you wear to a Broadway show? Great question.

Leah: I would wear something comfortable.

Nick: Oh, interesting! I think New Yorkers do tend to dress up for the theater, so I think if you wanted to be more like a New Yorker, I think you would try to look a little nicer than not nicer.

Leah: But I don't think people dress up as much as you think they do.

Nick: Well, it's not tuxedos.

Leah: It's not tuxedos.

Nick: But it's not crocs and a tank top.

Leah: Oh. Well, when I said comfortable, I didn't mean crocs and a tank top.

Nick: [laughs] Well, there's a lot of definitions of "comfortable."

Leah: No, you're right. But I am saying, you know, I like to always have a long sleeve.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, it's always nice to look a little nicer in New York in general. I think as a city, I think it is a little more fashion-y, but you can really wear whatever you want.

Leah: You can wear whatever you want.

Nick: Because, like, there's no one way to be a New Yorker. I think that one thing that actually is very New York is just having the confidence. Like, if you're worrying you're not gonna fit in, then you're not gonna fit in. But, like, if you just sort of have that confidence, that inner je ne sais quoi, then, like, yeah, rock whatever you're rocking. Rock that croc with tank top.

Leah: I don't know who's rocking a croc and a tank top. You've really pulled this out, and I feel like you looked at me when you said it. And I love tank tops, I think they're very, very Alien starship pilot.

Nick: Wait, tank tops are alien starship—what?

Leah: You know, in Alien she wears a lot of tank tops.

Nick: Oh, we're saving-the-universe style.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: I was thinking, like, the bridge of the Star Trek Enterprise. I was like, I really feel like I do not recall Jean-Luc Picard wearing a tank top at any point.

Leah: No, they are like those long sleeved dealies.

Nick: Yeah. No, you have to. Yeah. Well, because it's better for phaser burns.

Leah: Oh, that is good a point.

Nick: Right? It's just safety first. So Broadway? Wear whatever you want to wear. I think it is nice to lean towards dressy.

Leah: I think wear something that makes you feel fun and like you're having a fun night out at a show.

Nick: Yeah. Something a little festive. Sure.

Leah: But this is why I said "comfortable" is because a lot of times you're taking tons of trains, you're bustling through, you've been out all day, don't feel like you have to have a three-piece suit on.

Nick: And I do feel like a lot of people who visit New York are not used to the amount of walking that actually is happening in New York City. And if you're not used to that much walking, like, yes, this is exhausting.

Leah: Yeah. So that's why I said comfortable. Just cause if you're gonna be out all day and you're wearing heels, it's gonna knock you out.

Nick: We're all on board with being comfortable, but I do think you can look nice and be comfortable at the same time. [laughs] I just don't want the idea of, like, comfort means being sloppy. You know, you can be tailored and comfortable.

Leah: Fine.

Nick: Okay. I feel like we are not gonna be on the same page on this, but that's fine. We will agree to disagree.

Leah: In my mind, when I first moved to New York and we're going to Broadway, I thought I had to wear, like, a ball gown. So I'm just saying ...

Nick: Yes, you do not have to wear a ball gown.

Leah: You do not have to wear a ball gown.

Nick: But if you wanted to wear a ball gown—I guess, actually, that would be inconvenient for the people next to you.

Leah: I was gonna say, as we know from Nick's stories, don't wear anything loud or that has zippies or that is going to be reflective and upsetting to people around you.

Nick: Yeah. So yeah, if you're wearing, like, a sequined, crinoline, large, poofy, princess sleeved, yeah, that might be a problem.

Leah: So I was just thinking of you, Nick.

Nick: I appreciate that. Tipping? I guess tip everybody.

Leah: We're tipping everybody at this point.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the tipping is the same as wherever you're coming from if you're in the United States. Like, yeah, you tip the servers, you tip your bartender, you tip the bellhop. But I do think we tend to tip heavier in New York.

Leah: Back to—I like to circle back. I just wanna say I said "comfortable" because I want people to be comfortable, but it is a nice night out, so I just don't want people to feel, like, insecure about how much they have to dress up. That's what I meant.

Nick: Yes. Well, and honestly, what people are wearing to Broadway shows? No, I mean, people are wearing tank tops and crocs. That is not a hypothetical. And that's fine. You know, it's, you know, live theater, support the arts, support our economy, wear whatever you want to wear. If you want to be more like a New Yorker, New Yorkers do tend to look nice for the theater. And so if you want to blend in a little better, then yeah, you're gonna wear probably something a little dressier. But wear whatever you wanna wear. And honestly, there is—I don't think any Broadway house has any dress code other than, like, please wear shoes you know? But other than that ...

Leah: Yeah. I just don't want anybody to not go to the theater because they feel like they don't have the right outfit.

Nick: Correct. Yes. Wear whatever you want.

Leah: But if you're a person who likes to dress up and has fun dressing up, dress up!

Nick: Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And I think it is—you know, make it an occasion.

Leah: I am going to—spoiler alert—talk about New York City cabs in my Vent or Repent.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: So we could put a pin in that until the end of the episode.

Nick: All right, we'll put a pin in that. On the anything else question that we were asked, I think in general, New Yorkers are friendly—very friendly. But time is a precious commodity here. And I think a lot of the etiquette crimes that happen are related to wasting our time. So that's why, like, when you walk down the sidewalk three by three and you're blocking other people from passing you, that's an etiquette crime here because you have slowed me down, which has wasted my time. Similar to, like, blocking my exit on a subway, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So if you wanted to stop somebody on the street for directions in New York, the polite way to do it is not, "Oh, hello, how are you? I was wondering if I could take a moment of your time to get directions to Times Square." That is too long, you've wasted my time. That's rude. Much more polite is, "Hey, which way is Times Square?" So much better. New Yorkers would absolutely appreciate that approach. You disagree?

Leah: It's just the "Hey."

Nick: Oh, was that too much?

Leah: I almost want to—no, I almost want to come in with, like, a word that's like—like, "Excuse me, which way is Times Square?"

Nick: Okay. Yes. "Pardon me. Excuse me." Okay. Yes. Okay. Oh, I love that that's what you clocked.

Leah: Well, "Hey" sounds like—I don't know. I just didn't like it. [laughs]

Nick: Well, it's the tone. Like, "Hey!" Well, because I'm, like, making eye contact with you. It's like, Hey," but I think you wanna be very clear that, like, "Hey, I'm not asking you for your money. I'm not asking you to sign a petition. I'm not asking you to adopt an animal." It's, "Hey, I was wondering if you could point me to Times Square and, like, real quick."

Leah: Yeah, I just like and "Excuse me" or a "Pardon me" up top because, you know, when people just randomly ask you questions, you'd like sort of a—an intro.

Nick: Okay, yes. "Hey" was my intro. But you are correct. It would be slightly more polite to be like, "Excuse me."

Leah: I'd say, "Hay is for horses."

Nick: I mean, okay.

Leah: [laughs] That was a Nana favorite.

Nick: [laughs] And, like, anything that's in that, oh, can we save this person time?

Leah: I—here's the thing about New York that I really struggled with. I think it's come up before, as somebody from a smaller town—which most places are smaller towns than New York—it's hard for me not to engage with people who are engaging with me.

Nick: Oh.

Leah: And you do not have to engage with people. And a lot of times, you do not want to engage with people, because once you do you're stuck talking to them, and it's like some beginning of a long ruse. So people who are, like, talking to you on the street, "Hey, do you want to do this, or do you want to do this?" if you want to, you could do a quick, "No, thank you," and keep walking, but otherwise, you don't even actually have to acknowledge it, which feels so uncomfortable as a person not from that. But you do not have to talk to people that are soliciting for things in the street.

Nick: Yeah, you want to walk with purpose. I always pick the vanishing point, so very Renaissance. You know, that point in the distance where all the lines converge? That's where I look where I'm walking down the street. And I don't get hit up because, oh, I'm walking towards that vanishing point that's very far into the distance, and you can't get my attention. It also helps avoid seeing stuff, because there's a lot of stuff that might just be visible on the street, things you might witness that you don't wanna witness.

Leah: That you could never, ever unsee, is what Nick is trying to say.

Nick: [laughs] And by having that deep focus, you know, a mile down the road, that really does help blur everything else.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. No, it's a wonder why we live here. I don't know. Well, I guess you don't. I guess you're like, "Oh, wait, I don't want to live here."

Leah: [laughs] It's a great city.

Nick: It's addictive. At the end of the day, it's addictive.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "I was in a mom fitness class, and I'm one of the larger ladies in this particular class. I went to the class as I usually did, and didn't think about my size or the sizes of those around me, I was just focused on the workout. As I was loading my child and things into the car after class, I was approached by a woman who also attended the class—let's call her Lisa. Lisa and I have never spoken before, and we did not interact during the class. We were not yoga mat neighbors, and there is zero reason for her to approach me. She came up to me and kept insisting on what a great job I did. No one else received this personal, unsolicited cheerleading. I realize that she wasn't being malicious, so I tried to politely brush her off by not engaging in follow-up questions or encouraging her with an enthusiastic reply."

Leah: So our letter-writer sent us the conversation, so we're gonna reenact it here for you.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. So I'm gonna be Lisa.

Leah: And I'm gonna be the letter-writer.

Nick: So I'm standing next to your car, and I say, "You did such a great job today!"

Leah: "Oh, thank you."

Nick: "Yeah. No, it was hard, but you still did it!"

Leah: "Yeah, sure did."

Nick: "But you kept at it."

Leah: "Yep. We all did."

Nick: "You did such a good job! You'll get there!"

Leah: "Okay! Bye!"

Nick: [laughs] Our letter-writer continues, "I understand that her intentions were good, which is part of what makes it hard to react to. Would it be appropriate in future situations to tell her something along the lines of, 'Oh, thank you, but I did not ask for feedback?' Or to tell her, 'I understand you're trying to be nice, but this attention is unwanted, and I think you should examine why you felt obligated to tell me, a complete stranger, that I did a good job.' Or is the polite brush off the way to go?"

Leah: So I actually have a joke about this just to clarify how much I hate this when this happens. I was at the New York Museum of Natural History with a friend, and in one of the exhibits, there's a part about cannibalism. And it says, "Cannibalism" the worst thing a human can do to another human."

Nick: [laughs] Mm-hmm?

Leah: And I was with my friend Charles, and I looked at him and I said, "Obviously, the person who made this exhibit has never been at the gym when a stranger walked up to them and says, 'Keep going. You'll get there.'"

Nick: [laughs] That's true!

Leah: Because I hate it so much. And it happens a lot. This just happened to a friend of mine. She was texting me about she just got in her car, and this person came up after class and wasn't leaving her alone. And she was like, "I don't know how to make it stop. Like, I don't—" because it feels so pointed when someone comes up to you and is, like, cheerleading you, that you think that they are the ...

Nick: I mean, this is horrible.

Leah: This is horrible!

Nick: Why is this happening?

Leah: Why is it happening?

Nick: Lisa's like, "Oh, I want to be encouraging."

Leah: Don't be.

Nick: And I want to do ...

Leah: I think that's really what it is. Don't. Don't.

Nick: But, like, in her mind, she's like, "Oh, I want to help this person. I want to do, like, a good deed. And if I—" yeah, I think that's where it's coming from.

Leah: Obviously, it's coming from that but, like, coming from a place—I'm gonna speak to my experience of it, because when I've seen it happen or when it's happened to me, obviously this person thinks that they're like, "I'm gonna help you out because you want positive reinforcement." And you're like, "I actually don't." This is condescending behavior.

Nick: Oh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, it's patronizing, it's condescending. It's just rude. It's commenting on things you shouldn't comment on. Like, it's a lot of etiquette crimes.

Leah: Because—and I'm not speaking to my letter-writer. I don't want a letter writer to feel like I think—but in my experience, what it feels like is people being like, "Oh, look at you, showing up!"

Nick: It's the same people that post "You're so brave" on social media. It's that. Like, "Oh, you're so brave for wearing a bathing suit on your vacation."

Leah: That's why I feel like even though this person thinks that it's coming from a supportive place, somebody needs to start telling these people to stop talking.

Nick: Yeah. Altogether.

Leah: Like, stop it. You're not being helpful. You're not being supportive. I also—and this is just me, because I like this idea where you said, "I think you should examine why you feel obligated to tell me." I like that thought. And I usually say—I say this after comedy shows to people that want to give me unsolicited feedback. I always want to be like, "Why do you feel the need to tell me this?" So then they have to think it, and then get the words in their head and then realize maybe they should be quiet.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Like, I see people in class that I don't know, but it was a really fun class. And I just go, "Such a fun class!" I'm not talking about how they did. I'm not talking about—but if I, like, want to be—have good camaraderie with people in the class, I'm not like, "Great job, you!" I'm like, "Fun class!"

Nick: Yeah. No, I mean, that would be the way to do it if you wanted to just have sort of friendly engagement.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: But yeah, this person wasn't interested in that. They wanted just to make sure that you knew that you did it. "Oh, you did it!" And, like, oh, just no good will come up that.

Leah: I mean, I almost think we could say—and I've gotten way close to this. I've said some wild things this week, letter-writer, I want you to know. And I texted Nick about it, and I didn't back down and I felt good about it. You could say something like, "Thanks so much! I'm good. I don't need a pep talk."

Nick: Yeah, "'m good. Thank you for your concern." Yeah, I don't want to necessarily ask a question, which is like, "Why are you obligated to tell me this?"

Leah: I just sometimes like to do that because then people have to realize in their brain what they are.

Nick: That does assume that they will do the level of self-reflection that is required to achieve that, and I don't know if everybody will get to that end goal.

Leah: I just like to watch the face when you say that. But I get what you're saying.

Nick: But I don't mind putting people on the spot. I mean, I think in a previous episode, we talked about, like, it is okay to make people feel uncomfortable sometimes when they do a rude thing.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And yeah, you could absolutely make this person feel uncomfortable for, like, clearly being quite rude. And that's fine.

Leah: You could say, "Hey, you're making me really self-aware. Please stop."

Nick: "Have a good day."

Leah: Or we could go, "Imagine! I exercise."

Nick: Or it could be like, "Oh, I'm so sad that you are surprised. Have a nice day."

Leah: [laughs] That would be so fun. I really wish that—I'm watching this reenactment in my head. All of those would be really fun. And you are not being rude, and this person needs a little bit of an awakening.

Nick: They do need to have a little awakening, yeah.

Leah: Because they're doing this to everybody in their life, by the way. Everybody in their life. This is all over.

Nick: Actually, I think the next time you take this class and you see this person, you be like, "Lisa, you didn't come up to me after class and say something rude. You did it! You did it! Good job!"

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: I think that might be the way to go. "You kept at it and you did it!"

Leah: "You kept at it."

Nick: "So proud of you!"

Leah: "And you kept your mouth closed."

Nick: "Good job!" Yeah, I think that might be nice and poetic. Yeah.

Leah: And then also, if you're out there, I think some people really don't realize they're doing it, and they just feel like they're being supportive to people. It doesn't come off that way.

Nick: Yes. If you've ever been tempted to do this, don't, I guess, is the takeaway.

Leah: Yeah. Nip that in the bud.

Nick: So our next question is quote, "I recently sent some fancy cookies to a teacher of mine as a token of thanks for writing me a letter of recommendation. I ordered them to be sent directly to him as a gift and included a thank-you note with the order. I asked him the best place to send something and he told me to use his work address. Recently, I saw that the package was marked 'failed delivery attempt' a few days ago. I'm worried that there was no one there to receive it since the classes at his studio are primarily in the evening and there is usually no one there outside of classroom hours. I'm hoping that the delivery person will try again, but my experience with the Postal Service has been that there's not always a second delivery attempt made. Should I reach out to the recipient to let him know, or should I assume that they were already notified and leave it in the lap of the Postal Service gods?"

Leah: I was really excited for Nick's answer on this one.

Nick: Really? You gotta defer on this one? You don't have thoughts?

Leah: This is the kind of thing that makes me anxious.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: Because I don't wanna give somebody a job, but I wanna make sure they know that it's there. Like, if it was a friend, I would treat this in a complete—I would have a no problem idea on this.

Nick: Oh. But it's because that relationship is a little more distant. You're like, "Oh, it has to be ..."

Leah: It's distant, and I'm giving them a thank you, so I don't want them to give them a job on top of a thank you.

Nick: No, I just wanna give them moldy cookies four weeks later when it shows up.

Leah: I don't wanna give them moldy cookies. If it was a friend, I would say, "Hey, I got a failed attempt. I wanted to see if you got them or if I should look into it."

Nick: I think also material is that our recipient gave us the address they wanted, knowing about delivery in their area, most likely. So I think that's an interesting detail. But long story short, just let them know. Just let them know. "Hey, I sent you something. It shows it wasn't delivered. Let me know if you didn't get it. I'll try and follow up with the sender." And I think that's what you would do. Like, you can not give them the job of, like, tracking it down with the Postal Service, but I think we want to give them a heads up.

Leah: Yeah, that's what I would have done if it was a friend. So I guess you're right. I should just do that across the board.

Nick: Yeah. Because, like, what's the alternative? To not say anything and just hope for the best? I don't like that.

Leah: No, you're right. You're right.

Nick: And I think why there is this weird hesitation is that so often with gifts, we want it to be a total surprise. Like, we don't want them know it's coming at all, and we want it just to show up and that to be the surprise. And this happens a lot with thank-you notes, too. We're like, "Oh, I don't want to ask them for their address because then they'll know I'm gonna send them a letter." And it's just like, no, no. The surprise is what's in the envelope, what's in the box, not the fact that something is coming. So I think if we take that out of it, then I think we will come to a correct answer more quickly.

Leah: I didn't feel that at all. I just didn't want them to feel like they had to deal with the Postal Service.

Nick: Okay. So it was doing the work.

Leah: Because, you know, when people send me things and they'll be like, "I sent you a FedEx, and it says, it wasn't there," I'm immediately like, "Oh, now I gotta go down to the pickup center. It's gonna be a whole thing."

Nick: Yeah. That is annoying.

Leah: And, you know, sometimes when people are like, "It's down in the—you know, I got a note from the FedEx. You weren't there. It's down in the pickup center," you want to be like, "Well, can you tell me what it is? Because I can't decide whether three hours of my life is worth it or not."

Nick: Oh, that's interesting. Oh, is this a priority? Is this perishable? Is it something I want?

Leah: You know what I mean? Because sometimes the delivery, you have to go somewhere and wait in line.

Nick: Yeah. Okay. So I think in that respect, I would want to know that this is a box of cookies for me, because I want those cookies, and so I would probably prioritize a way to get them more easily.

Leah: Yeah, I think you should say it's perishable. And then I would also offer, "I can look it up. I'll figure it out for you. I just wanted to know if you got them or not."

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's how we do it. But yeah, this is a little tricky, because if this delivery doesn't happen, it's kind of their fault because they give you the address and they're not there.

Leah: They did give you the address. It was their idea.

Nick: Yeah. So then I guess the question is: is perishable goods the best gift here?

Leah: Well, it's too late on that, Nick.

Nick: Well, then the etiquette question is: let's say these cookies never arrive. Do we send something else?

Leah: No.

Nick: Oh, that's it. "Thank you so much for the written recommendation. I sent you cookies. You didn't get it? Too bad. That's the end of that."

Leah: I guess you could send a separate thing. You know, "I sent you cookies. I'm not sure if you got them. If you didn't get them, I'll take you out for cookies."

Nick: There we go. Okay. "I'll take you out for cookies." I like that.

Leah: And then obviously, I feel like if this is a person who gives you an address they're not at a lot and isn't aware, they don't even want to go out for cookies, they just want a thank you.

Nick: [laughs] Yes. Not everybody wants to go out for cookies, you know? Which is strange to me, but okay.

Leah: Or I mean, hypothetically, they would love to, but they're not where they think they're gonna be, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Nick: Yeah. I think we will do our best to get the cookie delivery happening. And if it doesn't happen, then I guess that's kind of the end of it.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Now, one address that always works is ours, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So please send us your questions and your vents, your repents and everything else. So send it to our website. Or you can send us a text message or leave us a voicemail: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: I'm gonna vent, Nick.

Nick: Bring it!

Leah: So a little histoire.

Nick: Hmm?

Leah: I lived in Queens, New York, for over a decade. The closest airport was LaGuardia. I stopped flying into LaGuardia because anytime I would get a yellow cab out front—if you're unfamiliar with how New York works, if you get a cab outside, a yellow cab outside of one of the airports, it's like a flat fee to go into the city.

Nick: Right.

Leah: So because I was already in the borough, they didn't get that flat fee.

Nick: Right. So they felt like you wasted their time. Like, "I waited in that lot for so long to get a good passenger, and now my fare is only gonna be $10." Okay.

Leah: And it wasn't only $10. It's always a substantial amount of money, and I am tipping. But I always got people being rude to me because I wasn't the fare they wanted. This was like, before Lyft was so regular. Also, when you get a Lyft at the airport, you have to go to a whole other lot. It's a whole thing. I started flying into JFK and was like, "I'll take public transit." I cannot handle that every time I get into a cab, people are being rude to me. It's uncomfortable the whole way, and I'm paying them. I'm paying them money to be rude.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. So this was so bad that you're like, "I will fly into a different airport and inconvenience myself so I don't have to deal with this."

Leah: I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It's just I'm so tired of it. And it's always you're in an enclosed space, and it's—you know, it's always a man, and you're like, I can't take this anymore.

Nick: All right. Fair enough.

Leah: And so I fly to JFK, and I just take the AirTrain. I take the AirTrain, and I take the AirTrain to the subway. Boom, no problem.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: And that always felt also, it's cheaper. I know the route. Whatever. So I recently flew into New York. I flew into JFK, and the AirTrain which connects to the subway was down when I flew in. And it was pouring rain, so I was like, I'll just get a Lyft. So you had to take the AirTrain to the Lyft. I mean! So I get in—they're, like, "Yellow cab." So I get in line for the yellow cab. I get to my yellow cab. I give him the address. He's immediately upset about it. Immediately. And I was like, here we go again. And, I mean, these are not cheap. This is gonna cost me ...

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: ... a lot of money. It's not like it's $10. And then he keeps asking me if I'm gonna pay cash. "Yeah, well, can you pay cash? Are you gonna pay cash? Can you at least just pay me cash? Can you pay me cash?" And I was like, "I already said no seven times. I don't have cash. So you're getting—" I just can't handle it. It's so rude.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, it is unfortunate that this is sort of how it goes at the airports, is that you may not always get the fare to Manhattan.

Leah: You might not get the fare to Manhattan.

Nick: But this must happen quite often. Like, not everybody goes to Manhattan.

Leah: Also, it's still $80.

Nick: This definitely crosses a line between rudeness and safety.

Leah: Yeah, you're, like, bullying me into wanting to get more money, and it's making me feel like I'm not gonna get to my destination.

Nick: That definitely crosses a line for me. Yeah, that's totally unacceptable. Like, I can handle somebody being mad at me in a cab. Like, I can handle that. But at the point where it's like, oh, will I make it? I don't like that at all.

Leah: No!

Nick: Which I mean, yes, of course. Yeah. Like, who would enjoy that feeling? Like, "Ooh, how exciting! I might not make it!"

Leah: I might not make it. And on top of that, I get to pay for it. What a thrill!

Nick: Right? And I get to be charged. Yes. Oh, what? It's my lucky day. Yeah. No, it's bonkers. It's totally bonkers.

Leah: It's bonkers.

Nick: Well, you know what else is bonkers?

Leah: Let me know.

Nick: I would like to vent. So this actually relates to our New York deep dive, and also one of the cesspools of etiquette anarchy: the laundry room.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And so in New York City, one of the ultimate luxuries is to have laundry in your apartment. I mean, it is true. It's sort of bonkers that this is considered a luxury.

Leah: It is a luxury.

Nick: But it is. And I do not have laundry inside of my apartment. And actually, I've actually talked myself into why this is fine and why this is better, because the machines in the basement are bigger—like, significantly bigger. And so I can do four loads of laundry in 90 minutes because I can use four machines at once, which if you had a suburban-sized machine, you can't do that. So I guess it's better here. This is the story I'm telling myself.

Leah: It's also in your building, so that's nice.

Nick: Yes. Oh, I don't have to go outside. Yeah. And the room is open 24/7, and then there's WiFi, and it's air conditioned. And the machines, like, take credit cards, and, like, there's an app. Like, it's very—it's as good as it can be for New York City but, like, it's still not in my apartment. So I am going downstairs because my washer is about to end, and as we know, it's important to be there on time and not give anybody the opportunity to just rip it out of the machine. And so I'm there, and basically the cycle ends, and I'm like, okay, let's put it in the dryer. So I turned to get a laundry cart, and there are no laundry carts currently in the laundry room.

Leah: Mmm!

Nick: And I was like, oh, isn't that interesting? Because there's typically eight, eight to ten laundry carts. You know, the metal carts on the wheels. We're all familiar. And there are zero in this laundry room. And it turns out my neighbors are using laundry carts to take laundry back to their apartments elsewhere. This is what is happening in my building. And it's like, that is rude. That is so rude.

Leah: Yeah. You don't take a Target shopping cart and push it all the way home.

Nick: And you don't, like, go to Central Park and take a bench home with you. No. That is a resource for everybody.

Leah: [laughs] Yes.

Nick: That's a shared thing. We all share that. You leave that where that is. Yes. And so here I am now, I'm taking all of my wet laundry out of the washing machine, like, in small little bundles up against my chest and, like, shoving into a dryer. And now, like, my shirt is all wet because, like, it was damp laundry. And, like, socks are falling out of the pile onto the floor. And it's like, oh, I was just clean! And it's like, ugh! And so then actually, I go back up to my floor, you know, after it's in the dryer, and I see one of my neighbors. There's a laundry cart outside of her door.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And it's sort of like, "Huh!"

Leah: Huh!

Nick: Hmm. So yeah, I just don't understand the thinking. Because it is so clear, and the building sends out periodic announcements like, "Please don't do this." And also, it's obvious. Please don't do this. It's so—why are we doing this? Why are we doing this?

Leah: And to have everybody do it at the same time so there was none. Unbelievable!

Nick: And I feel like the cart-to-person ratio is very high. Like, so many people did this that there was zero. How did we get to zero?

Leah: Wow!

Nick: Wow. I know! So it's an etiquette crime. I don't like it. It shouldn't happen. It shouldn't happen to my—it happened so close to home. That's what gets me.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Etiquette crimes that happen close to home. Oh, the call is coming from inside the house. Ugh!

Leah: Seeping through the door.

Nick: Yeah, I don't like that at all. It's like, I want this to be a safe etiquette space, and it's not. I guess that's why it's so violating.

Leah: [laughs] I would love it if you made a sign and laminated it that said, "I wanted this to be a safe etiquette space."

Nick: [laughs] Put that on a pillow. So that's my vent.

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: Well, I learned about mignardise, and I would have just been walking around calling them petit fours.

Nick: Ugh! I mean, how embarrassing!

Leah: How embarrassing!

Nick: And I learned that you prefer cannibalism to being told that you're doing a great job at the gym.

Leah: Oh, yes.

Nick: [laughs] Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, we just want your questions, straight-up etiquette questions. And you know you have them. So send them to us.

Leah: Send them all!

Nick: And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: I want to do a Cordials of Kindness to my friend Katie Compa, who is the most wonderful hostess and lets me stay with her in New York. And this time she really changed my whole life. This is gonna be more than 30 seconds, Nick, so hold on.

Nick: [laughs] Okay

Leah: But it's a very big deal.

Nick: I'll just take it out of next time.

Leah: [laughs] It's a very big deal. She got, like, a suitcase—you know, like they have in hotels, the thing you put your suitcase on.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: She has one for her guests, and I was like, "Oh, I always struggle with these. You got to put them up against the wall. The thing always falls off." And I put my thing on it and she goes, "Oh, that's because you have it on the wrong way." [laughs] She turns it, and I have been using the suitcase holder wrong my whole life. I was matching up the seams, and it goes criss cross applesauce. Changed my whole world. Changed my whole world.

Nick: So you were putting your, like, fold-y suitcase parallel to the thing?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Oh, okay. And that wasn't working for you?

Leah: No, because then the whole thing is It doesn't—you usually gotta prop one side up against a wall.

Nick: No.

Leah: And then also they're both—yes.

Nick: It works both ways.

Leah: No, it doesn't.

Nick: I feel like it does. No?

Leah: Okay, well this is my ...

Nick: I've never struggled with this. [laughs]

Leah: Thank you.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: And it really was an eye opener for me. And I was laying there in bed at night thinking, "What other simple thing have I been doing completely wrong?"

Nick: Oh, well ...

Leah: And it was ...

Nick: ... where would you like to begin? [laughs]

Leah: No, Nicholas Leighton. And it was very exciting and I posted it online, and a lot of my friends are also doing it wrong, too. [laughs]

Nick: How wonderful. And for me, I want to thank everybody who came out to see us perform live at our most recent live show in New York City.

Leah: Yes! So, so lovely.

Nick: It was so fun. It was such a great show,and it was so great to see all of you and yeah, can't wait to do it again. So thank you.

Leah: Thank you so much!