Eating Raw Oysters, Behaving at Concerts, Tipping With Lottery Tickets, and More

Nick: Do you cut raw oysters? Do you film entire concerts? Do you ask strangers if they're pregnant? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

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Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse bouche.

Leah: Let's get in it!

Nick: So for today's amuse-bouche, I want to talk about raw oysters.

Leah: Whew!

Nick: So do you like oysters? Do you like raw oysters?

Leah: I'd never had them, and then a friend of mine was like, "I can't believe you'd never had them. I'm taking you to a place." And I loved how they were delivered. I love the look of the whole—with the ice and the little things you put on top of it. The oyster itself? For me, no.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Yeah, there is a lot of pageantry, which is fun.

Leah: I loved the pageantry.

Nick: But I agree. Oysters, it's actually not really my thing either. Like, it falls into the "I'd rather not" category. Like, I would absolutely eat it to be polite. If we're at a dinner party and we're having the oysters, then I'm having the oysters, no fuss. But I would never seek it out.

Leah: Samesies.

Nick: But many people do. And for you all, I want you to be prepared. So let's talk about oysters. So first, let's talk about the oyster fork. So we did reference this in previous episodes, and typically this is gonna be on the right side when you're sitting down, and it's the only fork that actually shows up on the right. And there are table settings where you do see the fork on the right, but you see it in the spoon, it's actually placed in the bowl of the spoon. Have you ever seen this? I don't even know why I just asked you this.

Leah: What do you mean you don't know why?

Nick: Well Leah, have you?

Leah: You know what? That's hurtful. That is actually hurtful, but I'm moving on from it.

Nick: [laughs] I'm sorry!

Leah: And yes, you are correct, I haven't seen it. But you still didn't have to be so aggressive about it.

Nick: It just slipped out. Sorry. [laughs]

Leah: I just want to say that I do like the idea of a fork in the spoon because it's like they're cuddling.

Nick: Yes, they are cuddling. They're snuggling, They're canoodling. They're having a moment. Yes, and I have seen this. And I never knew where this came from because aesthetically it's very odd. You have this fork that's in the spoon, and it's at an angle when everything is, like, so parallel. And so I was researching this, and I wasn't coming up with any satisfying answers. Like, it's just referenced or it's shown in diagrams but, like, no one gave any explanation for this.

Nick: And then I was like, oh, well, you know who I should ask? So I reached out to Maura Graber, who we've talked about on this show before. She runs the Etiquipedia Instagram account, and she's got a website. And so she's also the etiquette consultant that HBO hired for The Gilded Age, which is obviously when oysters were being eaten. A lot of oysters happening during The Gilded Age.

Leah: That is so cool.

Nick: And so obviously, Maura, let's ask her. So I reached out to her, and I was like, "Maura, it feels like this etiquette thing is quite new." Like, I'm only seeing references to it, like, relatively recently." And she's like, "It's not new. It actually dates back to the Civil War." And she says quote, "Once forks became popular and silver companies were making them for every imaginable food, place settings got very wide for multi-course meals. These were the forms of entertainment of the era." And that is true. Yeah, like, long meals, lots of courses? Like, yeah, what else did you do when you didn't have, like, Instagram and Netflix?

Leah: No Netflix. Let's add forks!

Nick: Right? No, I mean that was the idea. But she talks about how prior to the Civil War, there actually had been a lot of arguments over how many forks were considered socially acceptable, and should it be three forks on the left or four? And then after the Civil War, apparently everybody decided that three was the socially acceptable number of forks. Like, you were not allowed to have more than three forks on the left at any one time.

Leah: So they're trying to slip them in on the right side is what's happening.

Nick: Yeah, basically. And so the problem then becomes if we put the fork on the right, the question is, is that my fork on my right or your fork on your left? And so the solution to this problem is that we will nestle my fork into my spoon to make it very clear whose fork that is.

Leah: I mean, we want fork history. Nicholas Layton is giving us fork history.

Nick: [laughs] Well thanks, Maura Graber.

Leah: But I mean, you know who to reach out to, you know?

Nick: That's true, I guess. I am the conduit. I am the vessel. But isn't that amazing that actually an etiquette rule makes sense, that there's actually, like, some actual justification for this?

Leah: Yeah, You're like, "Oh, it's so I know it's mine."

Nick: Yeah, it's like, "Oh, this is pointing towards me and it's in my spoon, therefore it is mine. Okay, great." So esthetically though, I don't love that angle thing. It does bother my eye. And it is okay to have the oyster fork on the left if you wanted. Amy Vanderbilt does say that it is a quote, "Optional arrangement," as long as there's no more than three on the left. So, like, you could do it if you wanted. So if I was having a dinner party and I was serving oysters as my first course, I might do it on the left unless I was worried about my guests, worried that I didn't know the rule and then it becomes the whole thing.

Leah: I mean, if I had people over, and they thought that I didn't know the fork rule, I would be devastated.

Nick: Devastated! [laughs]

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: It is devastating, yes. Well, then I would have to announce to everybody, "Hey, everybody. Before we have the oysters, I just want everybody to know I know the rule, but this is an optional arrangement which I am going to be using this evening. My apologies in advance."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So okay, we got the whole fork thing out of the way. So now we're gonna have some raw oysters. And they often do come on a platter of ice, as previously mentioned, which is sort of fun. Now it is actually not required to serve oysters ice cold. And oyster aficionados actually say that some oysters do taste better a little warmer. It's like white wine, it actually does benefit. Some of the flavors do come out, and actually become more interesting and more delicious when we serve it a little warmer.

Leah: But not too warm. Let's just ...

Nick: Yeah, let's not make it too warm. There's still a food safety issue here. Yeah. So let's—you know, health and safety trumps etiquette. Yeah. So the platter will arrive, and then there's often gonna be some accouterment. So lemon, some sauces. There might be like a shallot-vinegar mixture. Could be some horseradish, there could be some hot sauce. So, like, lots of sauces. And then we're gonna now eat the oysters. And so we will take the oyster off the platter with our left hand—assuming we are right handed. So Leah, just do all this in reverse.

Leah: Mm-hmm.

Nick: And then it is a nice idea to eat the oyster without any sauces, because it's sort of like a steak or anything else. Like, before we season something, we might want to eat it as it is. And so oyster aficionados actually do like to at least have the first oyster just sort of raw without anything added. And so you're encouraged to do that. If you do want to put something on it, now is your time. And so if you want to do lemon, you'll do that individually. Don't be that person that puts lemon on the whole platter for everybody. Like, let everybody sort of customize their oyster experience.

Nick: And so now we have the oyster in our left hand, and we will now take our oyster fork and we will now loosen the oyster from the shell because it is probably attached to the shell still. So we're gonna use the fork as a tool to loosen it. And if we're gonna be using some sauce, we would then use our fork and we would maybe dunk the oyster in the sauce, or we would dab the oyster with some sauce. We will—we'll sort of sauce it up as we wish. Most people would say don't mix sauces. Like, pick a lane. So, like, we're gonna just do the lemon lane for this oyster, or we're gonna do the horseradish. So, like, don't mix sauces.

Nick: And then we're going to keep the shell on the dish, and then we're gonna use the fork and we're gonna, like, get the oyster to your mouth and then we're gonna eat the oyster. Alternatively, we are going to take the shell up to our mouth and we're gonna slide it into our mouth and eat it that way. These are your two choices.

Leah: Yeah, I always feel like it's the sliding from the shell into the mouth that looks like the most fun.

Nick: Yes, definitely the most fun. Miss Manners says you're allowed to do it as long as you don't have real tablecloths. So she says if there's real tablecloths, you can't do it that way. And Elizabeth Post is actually even more strict—she's the granddaughter-in-law of Emily, and she says that you can only do that at a clam bar or a picnic.

Leah: Hmm.

Nick: I would say Elizabeth Post is probably one of the least fun of the Posts.

Leah: I was about to say she seems like the least fun.

Nick: [laughs] So I think that we can modernize this a little bit. And I would say most places where there's sort of a raw oyster thing happening, it is actually not so formal anymore. Like, it is rare that actually we're enjoying oysters at sort of like this formal Gilded Age, Great Gatsby sort of experience. And so it does feel like you could eat it out of the shell if you want.

Leah: I think so, too. And I just want to take one moment to sidestep for a second just to say how wonderful horseradish is. I just want to say that.

Nick: Okay. I mean, I'd like to learn more about your love of horseradish.

Leah: Really? You don't also love it?

Nick: Uh, I like it. I just wouldn't have stopped the show to mention it.

Leah: Oh, I would, because I would have written a whole poem to it. I just wanted to say maybe you hang in with those oysters just as a way to get more horseradish into your soul.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. Well, we're gonna come back to that in a moment. So you're eating the oyster, and some etiquette gurus say you can swallow it whole. I think you should probably chew it because that is part of, like, the experience. You do have to eat it in one bite. So we're not allowed to, like, take bites of it, but the idea is you do put the whole thing in your mouth and we give it a couple chews to sort of release the full experience. And Miss Manners agrees with me, or I agree with her. However you want to approach that.

Leah: I'd say she agrees with you.

Nick: She says—yes, let's go with that. She says quote, "Traditions of daring notwithstanding, oysters have to be chewed. It is dangerous to confuse the rule that oysters are taken into the mouth whole rather than cut on the plate with the idea that they must continue uncut all the way down to the tummy. In the first place, you wouldn't get any flavor out of them that way, thus making the process an expensive way to eat horseradish."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: "In the second place, you would have to have the Heimlich maneuver performed on you, and it is impolite to shoot whole oysters across the room from your throat."

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: That is a direct Miss Manners quote.

Leah: It's like she knew exactly what I was gonna say about horseradish and had it ready.

Nick: Yeah. No, she was ready for you, Leah. She was ready for you. So that's why she says you should chew, because you'll get the whole experience, and otherwise, like, oh, you're just eating horseradish, which maybe for you is fine.

Leah: I get it. You want to release the entire ocean into your mouth before you ...

Nick: That's kind of the idea, yeah. And if we do go from the shell, there will be a slurping sound. And the idea is to try and minimize that as much as possible. Because, you know, we don't want to make slurping sounds at the table if we can avoid it.

Leah: I guess. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] Well, Letitia Baldrige, etiquette guru, she says that it's not very pretty to witness, but quote, "In this case, a purist does not care about appearances." So oyster purist, if you are, you don't care about appearances, and Letitia Baldrige says it's fine to slurp.

Leah: Team Letitia.

Nick: Well, then she goes on, and she mentions something I had never heard of. I don't know if this is like a thing that exists in the world that is just like not part of my radar. But she says quote, "If you wish, drop some small oyster crackers into the container of sauce, and then fish them out and eat them with your oyster fork."

Leah: I mean, this sounds right up my alley. We're gonna drop some crackers in.

Nick: That sounds wild.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: That is wild. That is—I'm like, what? Other etiquette books talk about this, too. And Elizabeth Post, she talks about this and she says, "Add horseradish to it if you want, to the sauce. And then you can add the crackers." And then she makes it sound like you can actually then dip the oysters into that to get, like, crunchy bits of cracker onto the oyster.

Leah: We're making a dip.

Nick: Yeah, it's—I don't know how I feel about that.

Leah: I feel good about it.

Nick: I just—I've not heard of this.

Leah: This is the best I've felt in a long time.

Nick: [laughs] Well, it just seems so strange. Like, I have this teeny tiny fork, which is like, it's a small fork and, like, it's a little dainty, and I have the little cup of sauce and I've, like, crumbled crackers into it, which is, like, not something that's elegant to do. And now I'm, like, scooping crackers? I just don't know how we—what are we doing? I just—I don't know why we're doing this.

Leah: What are we doing? It really does seem like a very strong turn from this elegance to we're crumbling crackers, we're putting it in a thing, we're fishing it out with our fork. Let's throw in some horseradish in there. We're swirling it around. I mean, that sounds like a good time.

Nick: Yeah, I just—Okay. I mean, Gilded Age entertainment. What can I say?

Leah: If it's got horseradish in it, I'm in.

Nick: You're on board. Okay. But yeah, I just—I saw that. I was like, "Letitia, you worked in the White House with Jackie Kennedy. Was this happening?"

Leah: I think it must have been.

Nick: I mean, I think maybe it was. Yeah. So finally, what you do with the shell when you've eaten the oyster, you take the used shell and you put it back on the platter upside down. So that is the signal that we have eaten that oyster, and when all of the shells are turned over, then the server knows that you can take the tray away.

Leah: Another option—which is not approved—is that you wipe it off with your napkin, you make a little pile next to you, and then you tell everybody, "I'm bringing it home to make a necklace."

Nick: [laughs] Oh! But Leah, you laugh, but someone asked something very similar to Miss Manners. Quote, "Am I totally out of line asking the server if I can take home all the oyster shells? I use them for my artwork." And Miss Manners says quote, "As long as the oysters don't mind, Miss Manners fails to see why the server would."

Leah: Fantastic!

Nick: So you do have official permission to take the shells home. Yeah.

Leah: I love that so much because they are beautiful.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, have at it. You have the Judith Martin stamp of approval on that.

Leah: I think you could say, "Judith Martin said I could."

Nick: Yeah. Oh I would—I would definitely namedrop. Absolutely, yes. [laughs] So that's oysters in a half shell.

Leah: Nicely done, Nick.

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep and out for the evening.

Nick: So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about concerts. And oh, what a topic! What is going on out there?

Leah: It's really been a lot of instances, shall we say, in the news.

Nick: Yeah, a lot of moments. And those are just the ones we've heard of.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: I think there's just, like, thousands more that have gone unreported. Yeah. No, there's something in the ether. There is definitely something happening out there. So we cannot cover everything because there's too much to talk about. But let's start with, like, why do we think this is happening? What is happening, and what do we think the causes are?

Leah: Do we think it's because of people's access to, like, social media and watching things online, and sort of the prevalence of just people just feeling like they can comment and doing whatever they want because of sort of the anonymity of being online, and then taking it out to the real world?

Nick: Yeah, I think the social media thing is definitely a major factor. I mean, for a lot of reasons. One is that I think a lot of people on certain platforms have main character syndrome. And so the idea that they can't just be audience member watching somebody else as the main character is very hard. And so, you know, they need to film something, or participate or actually actively change the scene to get content. Like, I think a lot of the viral moments that have happened are people actually deliberately making viral content for themselves.

Leah: I just felt a wave of hot, hot lightning go through me because—it's not a concert but, like, at comedy shows, those people make—there are those exact people.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And you immediately know who they are. And it's always such a problem because you're like, "This is not about you. We will not allow you to make it about you."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: It's too much. But I think you're right, main character syndrome.

Nick: Yeah, because in social media we are the main characters on our accounts. And that's what that is, and that's how that's designed and that is fine. But in the real world, we are not always the main character, so that is hard for some people to make that adjustment.

Leah: And I think also off that, it's—when things are wild, something does something wild, it's like that always gets more hits online. And then I think in the same way, even if it's not even just doing something wild, but just like—I was just at a concert and the people behind me were having a full conversation about things completely unrelated, not even in—not even pretending to keep their voice down. And I feel it's like everybody thinks they're at home and there's nobody else around them.

Nick: Yes, I think people do forget that they are not in their living room and this is a live event with other people. And in many instances, the person on stage can not only see you, but they can hear you. Like, I just saw some video of a performer singing and somebody in the front row asked them to stop because they hadn't recorded from the beginning and they had to start the recording over.

Leah: Oh, dear!

Nick: And the singer, very nice. She was like, "Oh, you need me to start again?" And did. I was like, "Oh, that was very nice." But like, what? Like, what a bonkers thing to be like, "Oh, global superstar, could you start over? Because I wasn't ready as the audience member recording this on my phone."

Leah: I'm surprised they started it over.

Nick: I was very surprised, yes. So another reason or explanation I was thinking of: we all are going to concerts for fun usually, hopefully, and we are often paying a lot of money for some of these tickets, and we feel entitled to have a certain experience. And we forget that other people are also entitled to enjoy themselves too. And we forget that, like, our enjoyment cannot be at the detriment of other people's enjoyment. Like, we all actually have to enjoy it equally. And so I think many people forget that element.

Leah: I've been with people who are polite, regular, nice human beings, and they're at a thing and they're talking, and I'll be like, "Oh, we can't talk right now. This is—we're not talking. I cannot be a part of this."

Nick: [laughs] Yes. Well, I think it's like sometimes people on the road in their cars are different people than at a dinner party, you know? I think sometimes we do have different parts of our personality that do come out in different settings. So I think concerts may be one of these places.

Leah: I think a—because I do think people enjoy things differently. Some people want—and this isn't exactly a concert, but I thought of this as a great example of sort of a coming together on what's polite for everybody.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: In the fall, early fall, late summer, I went and saw Return of the Jedi at the Hollywood Bowl with the LA Philharmonic playing. And many people brought light sabers, which was so cool. And I can't believe I didn't bring one. But next time.

Nick: BYOLS.

Leah: [laughs] And any time there was a light saber scene, people would put their light sabers up, turn their light sabers on and, you know, swish it around. Ju ju ju ju ju!

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But then after they would pull it back down, turn it off, so it wasn't like directly in front of the people behind them. And I thought it was like a very well ...

Nick: Yes.

Leah: Nobody came out and told us to do that. It was just like, oh, a collective people who all enjoy the same thing, doing that and then pulling it back down to make sure people saw the other parts.

Nick: They were using the etiquette force.

Leah: They were using the etiquette force, Nick.

Nick: Yes, it surrounds us.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. No, that's very polite. And I think this brings me to standing at concerts, which I think is a very tricky topic. Like, when are you allowed to stand? When should you be sitting? And I think it does depend on the concert. I think there is no universal rule for what is correct, because there are some events where yeah, you would be standing and you should not expect to be seated the whole time. And you should not expect that the person in front of you is gonna be seated the whole time. Like, if you go to a Beyoncé concert in a big stadium, like, oh, I think everybody's gonna be standing. I think that's the deal. But if I went to sort of like a chamber music concert at a symphony hall, I would probably actually expect everybody to be seated.

Leah: But how funny would it be at a chamber music concert if somebody stood up and just, like, started, like, dancing Like, that was their ...

Nick: I would love it. I would love it. I would be into it.

Leah: I would be so tickled. You know, they were just, like, feeling the ...

Nick: But actually, I would be okay with that because that is actually a auditory experience. It is actually not necessary for me to see the musicians to get a lot of enjoyment out of it. So actually I'd probably be okay with that. If that was an opera, and somebody was just, like, really rocking it to, like, a Magic Flute aria, I would be like, okay. I mean, actually I think it'd be funny and be kind of charming. As long as they sat down after the aria, Like the lightsaber. Like, I'll let you have your moment but, like, you know, you gotta dial it back. But I think for the most part, I think we do need to take the temperature of the room in terms of, like, oh, is this a standing thing? Is this not a standing thing? And is my standing really affecting everybody else?

Leah: That's the question. Is it—is my blank really affecting everybody else? Which I think brings us to the biggest culprit currently: people filming concerts.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, don't. I would rather you not.

Leah: I understand. Like, I wanted to take some pictures recently at a concert, but I was very careful. I take a—you know, a little bit, do a little snippet. And then my phone went back in and it wasn't out. But my favorite are the people who have their phone out, and they're not even watching the concert because they're holding their phone right in front of their face.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: You know? And then they just film for the whole thing. So if you're sitting anywhere near them, you're looking through their phone.

Nick: Yeah, No, that is sort of unfortunate. And it's unfortunate that some people are more comfortable watching experiences through devices, and actually don't enjoy it as much live IRL. And so I think that's something to lament, I guess, that some people just actually have trouble experiencing things in real life and would rather experience it through a screen.

Leah: I mean, if you want to watch it through a screen, fine. But it's—it's now everybody around you has to watch it through a screen now.

Nick: Yeah. Don't have it in such a place where, like, oh that's what I'm watching.

Leah: Because some people hold it straight up high so they can get a better view, like a better angle on the stage. And then they're just filming up there, and everybody behind them is like, oh, I'm just watching your arm now.

Nick: Yeah. No, don't do that. On the flip side, I was recently in London, and I went to go see ABBA as holograms—which is amazing. And I got the cheap seats, which is actually standing, so it's a standing-only area. And I just happened to get caught behind the world's tallest family of Dutch people, and that's just sort of like what it was. So I was, like, on my tippy toes for, like, 90 minutes, and I knew that was the deal for the ticket I bought, which was like, we're gonna be standing. I may not have a great view but, like, that's the deal. I can't really complain about the genetics of the Dutch. And so sometimes that's what it needs to be. You just have to accept your lot in life.

Leah: Oh, I don't—I get it. If it's standing and people are in front of me and I can't see. I just think the—the phones are—slightly become overwhelming.

Nick: Yes. Oh, yeah. No, it definitely affects other people's enjoyment, which makes it rude. The other thing is the singing along, which is, I think, worse than the talking.

Leah: The talking bothers me more.

Nick: Oh, it does? I think the singing bothers me more because you're not as good, probably.

Leah: Oh, for sure you're not.

Nick: As the person I paid money to go see.

Leah: So I went to a Shawn Mendes concert

Nick: Oh, okay.

Leah: He was performing in the same venue that I was performing in—obviously in a different room.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: And—but we got really good seats because we were working at the same casino. So the other comic and I go into our seats, and we are surrounded by teenage girls. And they are screaming, and every lyric, and clutching their necks and ...

Nick: Were they wearing pearls? [laughs]

Leah: I was gonna say proverbial pearls.

Nick: All right.

Leah: And they—I found it—their enthusiasm to be ...

Nick: Yes, I think that's charming, actually.

Leah: ... charming. Whereas if they were sitting next to me and they were like, "So yesterday for lunch, I had eggs," I would be like, okay.

Nick: Okay, fair enough. Yes. No, I do like going to live experiences for the fact that it is live and it is a shared experience. I mean, that's why we do it because, like, I can watch a concert at home and see it better and have better audio, like, in the privacy of my own home. Like, I can absolutely do that. But I miss out on all the other things, which are actually the fun part. And so yeah, being with people who are super into it, that is part of the fun. So yes, I do think that is enhancing when people are singing along like that. I guess I'm thinking, like, Broadway shows where people are singing along.

Leah: Oh yeah, that seems inappropriate.

Nick: That's—that's what I'm picking up. Yeah, it's sort of like, "No, no, they got it. Let them do it."

Leah: Yeah, that is—this also I was putting in which I like more: the hearing people having conversations.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: I can see how some people don't want to see teenage girls screaming along, but I personally enjoy it because I love to watch the enthusiasm. But at a Broadway show or—I'd be like, okay, this—this is not for that.

Nick: So yes, at the end of the day, it is just about reading the room and just making sure that you are being mindful of the other people, and that you're having a great time but that's not at the expense of everybody else.

Leah: Yes, let's all have a great time.

Nick: Yes, it's all about we, not me.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "I enjoy playing the lottery. Over three or four months of playing, I'll accrue $30 to $40 worth of winnings. I like to give these lottery tickets away as part of my tip the next time we go out to eat. I always leave a generous cash tip that would stand on its own—the lottery tickets are extra. My wife says I'm being rude because I'm giving an obligation, and that I should cash in the tickets myself and just give the cash. I think it's fun and whimsical. I've been listening to your podcast for a couple of years now and I respect your opinion. If you tell me to stop, I will."

Leah: These last two sentences.

Nick: [laughs] Oh, the power, Leah! We have the power to make someone stop doing something! Finally! Finally, someone will actually definitively follow our advice.

Leah: I mean, I broke into a little sweat.

Nick: What are your thoughts? What are you gonna do with this power?

Leah: Well, my thought is I was thinking about it as when I waitressed how I would feel.

Nick: Yes.

Leah: And as a side note, I feel like I have to divulge this because it does play into my answer: I love scratch tickets.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: So if our letter-writer is saying they always leave a generous cash tip that would stand on its own. So they're already leaving the cash tip, and that is the key to this question.

Nick: Key detail, yeah.

Leah: You've already left the tip. So this last thing is just a bit of fun.

Nick: It's a little whimsy. Yes, it is whimsical.

Leah: I do find it to be a little whimsy. And I love a little whimsy.

Nick: Yes. And the obligation, I mean, I guess is it effort to scratch off the little silver coating? I mean, I feel like it's manageable.

Leah: No, I think they—our letter-writer is leaving the tickets that they have won on as an extra tip to go cash in.

Nick: Oh, is that what's happening?

Leah: "I'll accrue $20 to $30 worth of winnings. I like to give these lottery tickets away."

Nick: Oh.

Leah: So they're already—they're winning tickets.

Nick: Oh, they're winning tickets. So it's not even the chance to win, they're actually winning tickets.

Leah: Yeah, it'll be like a couple of extra bucks.

Nick: Oh, that changes everything for me then. Oh, that changes everything. Oh, because what I was thinking is that, like, "Oh, I play the lottery. And sometimes when you win the lottery, you win like an extra play, and then you get a new ticket." And I was thinking we were collecting those, and then I was giving you the chance to win something, which would be whimsical. No, all you're doing is just giving me, like, a gift card for some dollar amount. Oh, I think I'm with the wife on this one now.

Leah: I still stand with the letter-writer.

Nick: Because yeah, now you actually—now I have to—like, now I have to go cash it in.

Leah: But you don't. You've already gotten a 20 percent cash tip.

Nick: No, but I'm not—what, am I gonna throw it away? No, I'm not gonna throw it in the garbage.

Leah: Well, you go to the store.

Nick: I'm gonna go—I'm gonna go to the place ...

Leah: You're getting a seltzer, and you're like, "Hey, I have this." And then you're like, "You know what? Let's swap that out for two new tickets."

Nick: I mean, it is low effort. It is relatively low effort.

Leah: The key is that they've already left the tip.

Nick: Oh, for sure. Yes. But no, the idea, the gesture of, "Oh, I'm giving you something extra. It's a known dollar amount." We are taking the whimsy out of it. There's no whimsy here. I'm not getting whimsy because the whimsy is in the chance of winning.

Leah: That is much more whimsy.

Nick: Yes. Oh, you feel like there's still whimsy here?

Leah: Yeah, because I think it's fun whenever you see something that's a winning ticket. You feel like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Nick: No, but the fun of that is that he opened all the chocolate bars, and finally one of the chocolate bars had the golden ticket. It was the reveal that was fun.

Leah: Well, I think it was going to the chocolate factory that was really fun.

Nick: Well, I think it was getting to own the chocolate factory at the very end for being a good person. That's the fun part.

Leah: I mean, are we gonna spoil this for people that haven't seen it?

Nick: I mean, at this point? Okay.

Leah: Well, at the top of the episode, let's put on a forewarning.

Nick: Spoiler alert?

Leah: If you haven't read or seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at this point, Nick is going to ruin it for you.

Nick: I mean, it's still an amazing movie. And I do think that "Pure Imagination" is one of the best songs in any films of all time.

Leah: I a hundred percent agree with you.

Nick: The orchestrations? Amazing. Okay, but I feel like like with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it is the discovery, the winning that is key. It is the discovery that is the fun part. The winning.

Leah: Yes, but if it was between not winning because you aren't there for the winning—it's between not having won. You know, you can't have a w-o-n. And no w-o-n, I'm gonna take the won.

Nick: Right. And I guess the question would be: if we did just follow the wife's advice and cash in the tickets that just got the cash, would we be leaving an even better tip than we are? Probably not, right?

Leah: Probably not. This is just a little something extra.

Nick: Right. Okay. And then I guess the question is: is this appropriate in all dining experiences? So is this fine at Benihana? Is this fine at French Laundry? And it feels like—I mean, on some level it feels like, oh, this is not something we would do at 11 Madison, but it feels like, oh, maybe it doesn't matter. Like, everybody likes free money. Who cares?

Leah: When I am working in casinos and I stay the night in the casinos and I leave my tip for the housekeeping ...

Nick: Mm-hmm?

Leah: If I have any winnings, I will also leave that. You know, you have it on the ticket?

Nick: Oh, like the card thing? Or like ...

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: .. poker chip?

Leah: I'm already leaving the tip, but I just throw that in as a bit extra.

Nick: Okay. All right. Yes, I mean, I like the spirit of generosity. I don't want to stop that. So I guess let's continue. I guess I just disagree with the degree of whimsy that this is. I guess we just have a difference of opinion about how much whimsy there is.

Leah: I agree with you that scratching the ticket myself would be far more whimsy.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like there's not much whimsy here. But you do see whimsy in unexpected places and where others don't. It's one of your gifts.

Leah: [laughs] It is one of my gifts. But also the thing is, if you get a scratch ticket that scratched that's a winner then you have an excuse. You go in, you get a scratch ticket, then you can get more scratch tickets back.

Nick: Yeah, I guess it's what is better: the fun of the hope or knowing it's a sure thing? And I guess maybe a sure thing actually is better at the end of the day.

Leah: But also, our letter-writer probably doesn't want to leave unscratched tickets. You could be leaving $1 million on that table.

Nick: [laughs] Oh, that's true. Yeah, he wants to keep those for himself in case they're winners. Sure. That's fair. Okay, so I feel like you know where we stand on this, and so you are free to continue. That is our ruling.

Leah: I am delighted.

Nick: [laughs] Although I do feel like I probably gave enough to the wife in this letter ...

Leah: Well, you also made it clear that ...

Nick: ... that she could also feel satisfied.

Leah: Yeah. I feel like you've also made it clear, like, maybe the nicer—if we're at ...

Nick: Yeah, maybe at nicer places, maybe you wouldn't. Although I feel like everybody likes free stuff, so, like, who cares?

Leah: Money's money.

Nick: Money is money. Yeah, I mean, I'll take it. Yeah, send them my way. You have our P.O. box address on our website. I'll take some scratchers. Absolutely. I'm over 18. Yeah, bring it.

Leah: I'm barely over 18, but ...

Nick: So our next thing is an etiquette crime report.

Leah: [laughs] I wish—is there a siren we can add?

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, do we need a sound effect? Yeah, what do we do with this?

Leah: This one feels like it needs a siren.

Nick: Or maybe you just, like, you just say, like, "Siren." Or maybe you go, like, "Wiener, wiener, wiener."

Leah: I'm not gonna say "wiener." Also, we could just ...

Nick: But that's the European police car.

Leah: Wow, wow, wow.

Nick: Okay. Sorry, audience. We will work on this. This will improve. But as you know, we have a new feature which is EtiquetteCrime.com, where if you are the victim or a witness to an etiquette crime, you can report it to us and we will—I mean, I don't know what we're gonna do with it.

Leah: I guess we're reporting it.

Nick: We're just going to report it to you all. Yeah, we can't really investigate, and we don't have the power to put anybody in etiquette jail, but we are happy to share.

Leah: I mean, we're looking into it. We're looking into it.

Nick: And so we got a great one from Australia. And it is quote, "I was working at the self-checkout area, and a customer asks me, 'Are you pregnant?' Already dangerous territory to be asking a stranger. I said, 'No.' And she said, 'Oh, just overweight?" I looked her right in the eye and said 'Yes.' At that moment, she seemed to realize her error and started saying, 'Oh, I mean, I'm overweight, too,' but there was no digging herself out of that one. Thankfully, since it was self checkout, I could just walk away to another customer."

Leah: I blacked out in the middle of reading this.

Nick: [laughs] I mean, this is an etiquette crime.

Leah: I—if we did have a siren—this is a big "Wee-ooh, wee-ooh,"—I lost air to my brain while reading this.

Nick: Because what—what are we—why are we—why does anybody need to know if somebody is pregnant? Why—to strangers? Like, why do you need to know if a stranger is pregnant? Why do you want—why do you need that information? What are you gonna do with that information? Why is this important to you?

Leah: Also, we start out with that. So I read the first sentence out. Here we go again. You know, I think that we're just ending there.

Nick: Nope.

Leah: I think that we're ending there and already then I don't like it.

Nick: Oh, yeah. That wasn't the crime, though.

Leah: But then we weren't even at the park gates. We weren't even at the front door.

Nick: [laughs] Nope. No, no, no, no. But we—we went through that door, and then we decided that we couldn't leave well enough alone.

Leah: I have to tell you something.

Nick: Okay?

Leah: I never discuss any of the questions with anybody in advance.

Nick: Right.

Leah: Like, Nick and I, as our listeners know, don't talk about it because we want to work it out in the moment.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And I don't discuss them with people around me. But when you sent this to me, Dustin was actually sleeping, and I woke him up and I said, "You must hear this!"

Nick: [laughs] I mean, this is worth waking somebody up for.

Leah: I woke him up and I said, "Since you're already laying down—because. This would knock you off your feet."

Nick: So thank you for sending this etiquette crime report to us. And as a reminder, if you are the victim or the witness to an etiquette crime: EtiquetteCrime.com, it's a good place to submit it. And if you've got questions for us or a vent or repent, we'll take it all. You can send it to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently, or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: I am going to repent.

Nick: All right. What has happened?

Leah: So coincidentally, this happened, and then we decided that we would be talking about concert etiquette.

Nick: Oh!

Leah: And it just so happens that I was at a concert.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: So I didn't quite understand the seating system.

Nick: Okay. The number on—so I came up on the side, and I thought I was in the middle of the row. That's where it seemed to me I was sitting. So I was like, "Oh, so sorry." Everybody had to get up, you know? And then and these were not—there was not a lot of extra room. Everybody was very polite. I get to the middle of the row, I realize I'm all the way at the other end of the row. I should have come in on the other side.

Nick: The other aisle.

Leah: But then I go to look back and I realize I can't go back that way. So then I just have to go, you know—and I'm hold—I can't—everybody has to stand up. I shout a huge apology down the whole thing. "I—I don't know how stuff works," I say, and I just hang my head in shame as I scooch by everybody all the way to the other end where I should have come in on the other side.

Nick: And is this like 30 seats? Like, how many people is this?

Leah: I would say it was 30 seats.

Nick: So I guess my question is: where were the ushers? Where were they directing you?

Leah: They were not helpful. They directed me up. They directed me up the aisle that I went up.

Nick: Okay. All right. So we have some culpability we could be spreading around.

Leah: I mean, I could spread it, or I could just own it and say I should have just not followed where I was told to go and looked at the exact numbering system.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Because I just made 30 people stand up, and I had to become in very close contact with all of them. And I just apologize my whole way through it.

Nick: I mean, that's all you could do.

Leah: But I love every time I'm like, "I hope they don't—I hope they're not like, 'Isn't that Leah from Were You Raised By Wolves? Look at her out here a wolf.'"

Nick: But I mean, how in brand, though? Actually, if I was gonna encounter you in the wild, I would want you to be doing something like that. Right?

Leah: I should just do that.

Nick: That's what I want from you.

Leah: I should just do that. This is in brand for me. This is who I am.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah.

Leah: I'm trying my best, but it's just going wrong. That's really what the issue is.

Nick: "Isn't this just like me?"

Leah: [laughs] Isn't this just like me?

Nick: That's all you need to say. So for me, what's just like me? I would like to vent. And so it's sort of a quickie, but it's just sort of like, oh, that's disturbing. So my new thing—and we'll see how long this lasts—is I am running outdoors as, like, exercise.

Leah: What?

Nick: I know. It's like I don't think I like it, but I'm doing it. And maybe I'll like it.

Leah: You know what? I see you have such an indoor exercise person.

Nick: Yes, I do prefer, like, rowing machine or just working out with, like, weights or kettlebell. Like, yeah, I do prefer climate-controlled exercise. But outdoors, I do live near the Hudson River and it is sort of a nice park, and other people run and seem to like it, so I thought oh, maybe I should too. So I have been running, and I only do two miles. Like, that's kind of it. Like a mile up and mile down. I'm like, "Oh, that was enough." And so I've been doing this most mornings. And I was running today, and I was running up this time, and I'm sort of near the Intrepid, which is like an aircraft carrier.

Nick: There's a lot of tourists around. And there was a woman who was a tourist, I am assuming, and she was on her phone and she, I guess, saw me coming and decided to start filming me ...

Leah: No!

Nick: ... running. And I was—it kind of caught my eye because, like, when you film someone with, like, the camera out and you're, like, looking right at me and now the camera is moving at the same speed I'm sort of running past you.

Leah: What?

Nick: And it's sort of like, there's nothing behind me you're actually filming, right? Are you filming me? Like, that's weird. And so, like, that happened. I thought, oh, that's sort of weird and I don't care for that. And yes, I'm in public but, like, do we do that? I feel like we don't do that.

Leah: We don't do that.

Nick: And so the idea is I keep running up and I run up and I run up, and then I at some point I turn around and I'm like, I'm done and now I'm running back. And this woman is still there, and then I see her filming me going the other way, and I'm like, oh!

Leah: What is happening?

Nick: Now it's deliberate. Now—now it's deliberate. And now I'm thinking, okay, well, like, why was she filming me? Is, like, something wrong with my hair? Or, like, is it what I'm wearing? Which is like all black, normal, just like shorts. Like, what? And I had no explanation for why I am now featured in two videos on her phone, but I don't care for any of that.

Leah: I do not care for that. It's—how—oh!

Nick: Right?

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Very violating.

Leah: Very violating.

Nick: Right. And even though I think I'm, like, a major celebrity, I am not famous. You would not recognize me on the street. She doesn't know who I am. So, like, it's not that, it's not like some weird paparazzi thing, unless it was. Do you think it was like an actual ...

Leah: We should leave a percentage that that's what it is.

Nick: Okay. But then—well, then if it is that, and you do know who I am, then that's even worse. Because you know then that actually is super rude.

Leah: That's a very good point.

Nick: Right? So I don't know if that's better or worse.

Leah: I don't think it's worse because the other one is just that she's filming you to make some sort of, like, collage of runners. I don't know what's happening, but it just makes me feel insecure.

Nick: Right. Or do I run weird?

Leah: I'm sure you don't run weird. I guarantee it.

Nick: So yeah, I have no explanation then. [laughs]

Leah: Yeah, I don't like it at all.

Nick: Wild. Totally wild. Yeah, bonkers. Like, totally bonkers. Like, Etiquette Crime Report right there.

Leah: It's so hard not to be like, "Are you filming me?"

Nick: Well, that was what I was thinking. Like, do I turn around and be like, "What art project is this? Like, is this performance art? Like, what are you doing?"

Leah: I would have trouble not saying something because I don't want to be on your family ...

Nick: Well, but now it's like, "Oh, you're now gonna film that?" And now I don't need that footage.

Leah: That's so true.

Nick: I definitely don't need that footage of me confronting somebody.

Leah: Very good point.

Nick: No, my goal is to never become a trending topic.

Leah: How funny would it be? "Nicholas Layton of Were You Raised By Wolves? confrontation."

Nick: "On the West Side." I mean ...

Leah: "But did you notice what a great runner he is? That gait?"

Nick: "What technique!" True.

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned multiple things about the oyster experience. Of course, I learned the spoon and the fork canoodling. Why? I learned that. And I learned about this cracker dressing soup.

Nick: Right?

Leah: That is not only happening, but advocated for by some very big etiquette people.

Nick: And I learned that you love horseradish.

Leah: I deeply love horseradish. Like, I love it.

Nick: Yeah, I did not understand the depths to which you enjoy this flavor.

Leah: I mean, now that we've talked about it, I must go horseradish.

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, we want to make sure you're staying in the loop. So please go to our website and sign up for our newsletter, and make sure you follow us on the socials because, like, we gotta keep you in the loop.

Leah: I love being in the loop.

Nick: The loop is pretty great. I mean, the loop is very VIP, and you want to be in it.

Leah: Loop with us!

Nick: And we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye.

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do, but I only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: Okay, so I've talked before about how grateful I am for this Pilates studio that I've been going to because it's really helped me feel stronger, and with all my back issues and it's been a real gift. And the people that work there are so supportive. And so on top of that, one of my absolute favorite instructors—we always chit chat up top, we chit chat at the end, we have a good time—she came up to me and she said, "Leah, I didn't realize you were Leah Were You Raised By Wolves? Leah. I've been listening to your podcast!" And I melted. I completely ...

Nick: Oh!

Leah: I was so delighted that I—I may have lifted off the ground a little bit. It was just so nice.

Nick: Amazing. And for me, I want to say thank you to everybody who acknowledged Nick Leighton Appreciation Day this year. I actually had forgotten that it was, like, a thing, and I got cards in the mail at our P.O. box, which were so lovely, like, so lovely. And so—and then I got messages on the day, which was very nice. So I really do appreciate that this silly holiday has turned real, and I actually love it because it is very validating and I need it. So thank you everybody for helping me celebrate Nick Leighton Appreciation Day. And if it's not on your calendar, it's October 1, so make it a recurring event and look forward to hearing from you next year.

Leah: That's so great!

Nick: [laughs] Isn't that fun?

Leah: NLAD!

Nick: Get into NLAD. Absolutely. So thank you. I really appreciate it.