Eating Green Beans, Handling Group Texts, Fibbing on Busses, and More

Nick: Do you eat green beans the wrong way? Do you give out other people's phone numbers? Do you demand breakfast? Were you raised by wolves? Let's find out!

[Theme Song]

Here are things that can make it better

When we have to live together

We can all use a little help

So people don't ask themselves

Were you raised by wolves?

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And it's Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And let's just get right down to it with our amuse-bouche.

Leah: Ooh! [laughs]

Nick: So for today's amuse-bouche, I want to talk about haricots verts or green beans, if you will.

Leah: And I would.

Nick: Do you like green beans?

Leah: I love green beans!

Nick: Okay. I mean, they are actually one of my preferred vegetables.

Leah: They're an amazing vegetable.

Nick: And it has come to my attention that there may be some confusion about how to eat these in a restaurant, because I was in a restaurant and I saw there was some confusion out there with other diners. And so how do you eat green beans? How do you eat an haricot vert?

Leah: Well, I didn't think there was any confusion. So now I've decided that I'm for sure doing it wrong.

Nick: [laughs] Okay. How do you do it? You have a nice plate of green beans, and you are going to eat them. What will you do?

Leah: I usually cut it in half with my knife and fork, and then I fork in half of it.

Nick: Okay, so you're taking one half of a green bean in one bite?

Leah: Well, it depends on how big—usually the ends are snipped, so it's, you know, cut down to, like, this much, which they can't see at home how I'm doing. Depending on how much they've already cut it, I will cut it into a bite size and pop it in the amuse-bouche.

Nick: Okay, so you will amuse your bouche with the haricot vert. Okay.

Leah: That I've cut with my knife and fork.

Nick: Okay, so—but it's one bite for you. Because the other option that I have seen done is you spear the green bean with your fork and you take a bite off of your fork, and then you take another bite and then take another bite. Kind of like you're eating a carrot like Bugs Bunny.

Leah: But not with your fingers?

Nick: Well, that's the third option. Is it a finger food?

Leah: I mean, if I was at home in my own house, it would probably be a finger food.

Nick: Okay. So yes, I have seen all of these options in restaurants. And the proper way would be actually the way you're doing it, which is to cut it like it's a steak. That is correct.

Leah: I think air just left my head. This is maybe the first one that I've been doing correctly.

Nick: [laughs] Great. And I think it's just important to note this because, like, how would you know unless somebody told you, like, this is how you're supposed to eat green beans? And so, like, that's what we're doing. And so yes, you do just cut it like it's any other food that you eat. You know, cut it into bite-sized pieces, and then we eat one bite and then that's what we're doing. Like, we're not gonna eat it like it's an ice cream cone. Where, like, we're gonna hold it up and keep taking bites of it until it's done.

Leah: Okay.

Nick: But Miss Manners does say that, quote, "If the beans were properly cooked, you should have been able to cut them with the side of your fork." So no knife needed for Miss Manners.

Leah: I like a crisp bean.

Nick: Right. I was also thinking that, which is like, I like it a little more al dente. Like, I feel like if I'm cutting a green bean with my fork, that is not the done-est level I'm interested in.

Leah: Yeah. If I just breathe on it and it, like, halves itself, I'm like, "These are smushy."

Nick: Yeah. So I mean, that's what Miss Manners says. Who am I to disagree with her? But it does feel like that's a little overcooked for my taste.

Leah: I love a crisp bean!

Nick: But it is true that it is totally acceptable to use your fork to cut things. I think there is this feeling out there, like, oh, that's not allowed. You're not allowed to actually use your fork to do that. But that actually is proper etiquette a lot of the time. Like, if you can subdue the thing with your fork, if it's a cake, if it's fish, if it's something that, like, can be cut easily with the side of your fork, like, have at it. You could absolutely just use the fork for this.

Leah: This is very good to know. If you can fork, fork.

Nick: Yes. I mean, American table manners often relies on the fork as our primary tool. Like, that is our go-to implement.

Leah: Although let me say really quick, that noise of a fork scraping?

Nick: Uh-huh?

Leah: I cannot handle it.

Nick: Well, when is that happening?

Leah: People do that. They just, like, scrape it.

Nick: Well, don't do that.

Leah: Don't do that. It's like nails on a chalk—I have to hide under the table. It viscerally affects me. It hurts my teeth.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. And there's some weird, like, evolutionary reason why we have that, I think. Like, there must be some predator that used to eat us that made that sound, which is why we all react very strongly to it.

Leah: We all run out of the room because our lizard brain is like, "Danger!"

Nick: Yeah. No, for sure. Or at least, "Danger, there's a rude person in our midst!"

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. So that's green beans. Now back to the finger food thing just briefly. There is a time when it is a finger food in public.

Leah: Can I guess?

Nick: And that—sure, please.

Leah: I would guess that it's when it's at a table with a dip.

Nick: Yeah. When it is part of a crudité. Yes. Yeah, that's it. And so I actually think this is a—not a great item for dipping. This is not the right surface area-to-flavor ratio, I think. I don't know. It doesn't do it for me, but it does happen.

Leah: I love it. Anytime I can get that crisp bean, I'm happy. I see what you're saying, that it's a smaller service for your—whatever dip you're doing.

Nick: Well, but here's also the problem. In order to dip it properly, you really need a cylindrical dipping vat so that you can really go all the way down several inches into the dip. And so often the dips that are on offer are in shallower bowls.

Leah: What if you side it?

Nick: Right? You're kind of sliding in at an angle, I guess. Yeah.

Leah: You gotta side scoop.

Nick: But then there's danger that your fingers are gonna get too close to the surface.

Leah: I believe in you.

Nick: You know. Or you lose contact, and then you lose it in the bowl. So that happens.

Leah: [laughs] Then you gotta get a carrot to come and lifeguard.

Nick: [laughs] Right. So I have—I have seen people use carrots as chopsticks, actually two carrots and you're actually like using them as tweezers to get something else out. Yeah, that happens. So yes, if it is part of a crudité platter, then I guess it would be a finger food because, you know, what else are you doing? But other than that, in a restaurant, just use a knife and fork like you're cutting anything else and then that's how you do it.

Leah: I could really go for a crisp, fresh bean right now that you brought it up. Oh, so good!

Nick: Really? You have a craving for beans? That's a weird craving.

Leah: I love beans so much.

Nick: I mean, I like them, but I'm not in the middle of my day being like, "You know what I could go for right now? Green beans!"

Leah: We used to have it in our garden when I was growing up. My parents had a garden next to the house. We had the—you know, the flat beans. They're flat and they're usually, like, yellow and purple.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: Well, we'd go—I would just go pick them and then, you know, when it still tastes like the garden a little bit and you would just pop it. Ooh!

Nick: All right. So it's nostalgic.

Leah: And delicious!

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to go deep.

Leah: Deep and into your phone.

Nick: So for today's question of etiquette, I want to talk about group texting, which is a thing. It's a thing.

Leah: Oh, it's a thing.

Nick: [laughs] And I was thinking about this in preparation of our little chat today, and it feels like there's two different types of group texts. There's, like, the group text that we have with, like, a small group of friends where it's just sort of like sharing things in our day or something funny or it's sort of light and fun and, like, there's no purpose to this group text, it's just like people who know each other, like, sending things. This is often maybe, like, four people.

Leah: And I would call that a group chat.

Nick: Yeah. And I think this is fine. You know, etiquette problems happen but, like, my concern is the bachelorette-weekend-in-Nashville-planning group text, where somebody decides the easiest way for us to plan this weekend is over group text. And that is where the trouble begins.

Leah: I feel like that's our middle road.

Nick: Oh, that's the middle? Oh, what's the other end?

Leah: At least those people know each other.

Nick: Most of them.

Leah: You could do a group text of random people throughout your life that you're inviting to something ...

Nick: I see.

Leah: They don't even have any reference to who that other person is.

Nick: Oh, it's just like, "Oh, housewarming at my house. Let me do a group text to a hundred people."

Leah: Yes.

Nick: Yeah. Oh, that is more extreme than my bachelorette party weekend in Nashville. Yeah, that's true.

Leah: So we could do a three tier. First tier we've already knocked off. It's the group chat.

Nick: All right. Well, so I think my biggest concern with the group texts of any flavor is I don't want you giving out my phone number to just anybody. Like, I think that's actually my usual concern is just like, oh, I don't want these people, like, having my phone number. And I don't know if that's just me or if other people share this sentiment but, like, I always feel a little weird about that.

Leah: Yeah. I feel like if I'm going to be put into group conversation and I'm not—we can't really BCC on a telephone.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: But it's not a BCC sitch, I feel like there should be some kind of a conversation in advance. "Hey, I was gonna do a group text with you and the other people going to Nashville. How do you want to communicate about—" you know, in Nashville, I do feel like it's gonna be a small group. I'm gonna know them.

Nick: Most of them, yeah. And if it's just like, oh, there's your roommate from college who I haven't met and they're not in my phone but, like, that's cool. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's fine. But yeah, should you have a conversation with somebody before you add them to a group text?

Leah: I don't think it could hurt.

Nick: Yeah. Although, like, I can't decline that. Like, if you're like, "Hey, can I add you to the group text so we can plan our weekend in Nashville?" I mean, what am I supposed to say? No? Like, at least it's nice to ask me though, I guess.

Leah: I also think with the Nashville, the hypothetical that we're really leaning on hard, that ...

Nick: [laughs] Really hard, yes.

Leah: ... that I wouldn't mind. You know, I know these people. I know you know them. I know you're friends with them. I think asking is polite. "Hey, I was gonna add you," you know? Just so you know, it's coming.

Nick: But yeah, okay, so it's the larger housewarming for 100. Yeah, I guess that's the bigger problem.

Leah: And I'm on one of those right now, and people are texting at all times of day. And people just can't stop randomly sending stuff that seems like, did we need to blow up my phone with that? You know what I mean? The more people you have on there, the more loose cannons.

Nick: Yeah. And then what happens if somebody is like, "Guys stop replying all," and then somebody else is like, "Yeah, really guys, don't reply all." And then now we have 10 people saying, like, "Please stop replying all." [laughs]

Leah: "Just text the original sender!" And then you're throwing your phone out your window.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, I guess you can mute this text thread but, you know, hypothetically there was some information in this text group that you needed in the first place.

Leah: Hypothetically.

Nick: Yeah. But I think if you are in one of these group texts and you have to send a text, one thought per text bubble I think is what we want to do. I think a lot of people's texting style is like, "Okay," and then new line. "What about Thursday?" And then new line. "Or Friday would work." And instead that all should be contained within one bubble so that everybody else only receives one alert on their phone.

Leah: I love that. And if we're in this group text and we're responding, it's helpful to say—because I'm gonna get all these numbers in my phone, I don't know who's who—"Hey, this is Leah. Friday works for me."

Nick: Oh, that's nice. A little introduction so that people can associate your name with this random number. Yeah.

Leah: So people don't have to go back in and it's a mystery to solve, trying to figure out who's who and re-ask.

Nick: I have been added to group texts where, like, half the numbers I didn't know and I did, like, Google people's numbers to see if I could come up with, like, oh, who are these people? Yeah, because nobody volunteered who they were.

Leah: Yeah, because you gotta try to figure it out because you feel like if they don't volunteer, it's like, what? Did I come in late? What's happening?

Nick: Yeah, it's kind of like walking into a cocktail party, and then everybody's blindfolded and nobody introduces anybody. And it's sort of like, that's not a fun cocktail party.

Leah: [laughs] No, just shout out who you are. Just shout out who you are.

Nick: Now you mentioned receiving messages at all hours, and that is a little tricky. I think we have different philosophies on this.

Leah: We do.

Nick: Because in my mind, if I don't want to be bothered, my phone is off or on do not disturb. Like, you're never gonna wake me up in the middle of the night. So I don't mind if somebody texts me at 3:00 am because no problem. You feel differently.

Leah: I do feel differently. I think it just has to do with people who have to keep their phone on.

Nick: Right. Yes. I am not somebody who needs to have their phone on. Right. So I am exempt from this.

Leah: So I think people who—you know, some people just keep their phone on for their families, or they got kids who go out at night. They want to be able to, you know, get them—their kids to get a hold of them if they need them. So they have to keep their phone on. Or they have a job where they have to be on call.

Nick: Yeah. No, I get that. Sure. I mean, I don't send texts day or night. Like, I send texts probably between 9:00 am and 6:00 pm to people I don't know. I feel like that's my range. And I do try and keep in mind, like, oh, what time zone do I think they're in? But sometimes that's not possible to know. But I feel like late morning New York time to early evening New York time, that normally covers the United States fairly comfortably. So, like, maybe that's fine.

Leah: Yeah, I think you're a rational person.

Nick: [laughs]

Leah: There are people just shooting out texts that have, like, a gif at 2:00 am.

Nick: Right. It better be a good one.

Leah: And I think in a lot of relationships you're just like—I'll just ask people, "Are you a late texter? Is your phone off?" I ask people before I text them.

Nick: Yeah, that's good to know what their texting style is. But in a group text, I mean, all bets are off.

Leah: I'm in a group text with three friends, and we realized that two of us are, like, late night people, and the third one is not. So we have a separate—we'll move to the separate text.

Nick: Ah, there's a late night owl text thread.

Leah: Yeah. And then we go back at the appropriate times.

Nick: And then leaving a group text, do we ghost or do we announce it? What do we think is more polite?

Leah: I didn't know you could get out of these. You can get out of these?

Nick: [laughs] You can leave a group text. It is possible, yeah.

Leah: You just delete your phone number out of it?

Nick: I mean, on an Apple device, there is a way to, like, leave the thread. Yeah. It'll say to the other people, like, "Leah has left the chat."

Leah: Oh, I ...

Nick: So it'll—it'll let people know that you're out.

Leah: I knew that you could do it on, like, Instagram.

Nick: Oh, yeah. No, it is possible. Oh, did I just change your life?

Leah: You did change my life because I've been on this one that I—it's so funny. That seems such a simple thing. Of course you can leave. And in my mind, this was in perpetuity. [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] You're like, "I'm here forever."

Leah: But also for somebody like me, the idea of just being like, "Hey, I'm gonna ghost" is also guilt ridden. I would just mute it.

Nick: Yeah, muting is fine. Yeah, I guess muting is fine, but I think leaving is okay. I think if it's a group text of, like, a thousand people, I think letting the person who invited you or who was the host privately know, like, "Hey can't handle the group text at the moment but, like, would it be possible just to, like, send me an email when the plans are sorted out" or something like that, I feel like you could just, like, reach out one on one to whoever that person is. And if it's like a smaller group text, then yeah, you might want to just say to the group like, "Hey, I'm really busy with the project this week, so, like, I'm gonna, like, bounce but, like, I'll be back."

Leah: I like that. That seems completely appropriate.

Nick: Right?

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: The other option is, "Hey, this is really annoying. And every time I see this come up on my phone, I have to question everything in life. So I'm getting out of this." I think that's maybe a little too far. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I don't know if people share this sentiment but, like, most of the time, if it's a logistical planning thing, please do this over email, not text. I would much rather a group email where we're, like, talking about it, that people can, like, weigh in when they want and there's not this, like, 24/7 immediacy of text messaging. Like, I would much prefer that.

Leah: No, I appreciate that. I also appreciate—when I get really hot under the collar because when I've been added to a group text, it's a group text where people are doing one sentence at a time.

Nick: Uh-huh.

Leah: I'm driving, so I haven't had a chance to mute it, and they just keep coming and you're like, "I can't even see my GPS. I can't even see my GPS. Is this important information?"

Nick: Oh, it never is. Oh, it never is. Yeah. And I think just to recap why is this etiquette, because you need to be mindful of other people's eyeballs and time. And, like, when you blow someone's phone up, that is not mindful of either of these things.

Leah: Sometimes though it makes you feel really cool when you come back to your phone and there's, like, 78 messages and you're like, "Wow, I am popular." And then you're like, nope, one conversation, but it made me feel like Madonna.

Nick: Yeah. Or you've been indicted, and then people are worried about you and you're, like, a trending topic on Twitter.

Leah: But then also it's so nice to have friends that worry, you know?

Nick: Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So that's some group texting, some thoughts. I guess at the end of the day, don't? Is that our takeaway message?

Leah: Well, I think it's know your audience. You got your friend group chat ...

Nick: Right. And we've decided those are fine.

Leah: Yeah, and you know—you know what the parameters are. You know your friends, you guys are sending funny pictures of dogs, you know who can text at what time. It's when you're starting hooking up strangers.

Nick: Yeah, that's where it gets a little tricky.

Leah: That's where you want to be like, "Oh, should I be texting this as a group or is this an email?"

Nick: Yeah, and I would say it's probably an email.

Leah: And if it is a text ...

Nick: Good luck!

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to take some questions from you all in the wilderness.

Leah: [howls]

Nick: So our first question is quote, "When we visit my son and daughter-in-law's house, because they live several hours away, we are expected to stay overnight. The next morning, breakfast is never served nor offered. This is odd to my husband and me, as breakfast is a thing at our house and certainly was when my son was growing up. Each time I've asked my son about breakfast, he has said, 'Just fend for yourself.' Of course, I don't know where things are, and it feels odd to root around in their fridge, but that's what we've done. Most recently, my husband suggested that I ask him before our weekend trip if we could bring groceries and fix breakfast. So I texted my daughter-in-law, and she said, 'No worries, we've already got plenty.' So we did not buy groceries, and the next morning there was nothing. What should I do in the future? How do I broach the subject again? Or do I just bring things and announce the night before, 'We brought things for breakfast, and I'm happy to make it. Does 8:00 am work for everyone?'"

Leah: I feel like you have a strong answer on this one.

Nick: I do. [laughs] I do, yeah. What is yours? Do you not have a strong answer?

Leah: I have layers of thoughts, but I feel like this is a Nick strong answer.

Nick: Okay. And I'm just curious, what makes you feel like I would have a strong answer here?

Leah: That's just how I feel.

Nick: I see. I guess you know me very well.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I think we just have different ideas about breakfast. They don't want breakfast, and they don't need to provide it, and you guys are family and they don't feel the need to, like, entertain you. And so, like, if you want breakfast just, like, bring your own groceries or get breakfast on your way out of town on your way home. But, like, you're not gonna get breakfast here. So, like, either provide it yourself or not but, like, it's not happening. I'm so sorry.

Leah: [laughs] I knew that's what you were going to say.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah. These are not breakfast people. And a lot of people aren't so, like, that's just what this is.

Leah: I agree with that.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: People have their morning routines.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: That's how they're doing it. They're like, "You're welcome to have breakfast." They're not saying, "No breakfast for you." They're saying, "Happy to get in there." I do have the one caveat, because it is family ...

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: It's your son and daughter-in-law. You could say, "I just want to have every once in a while a breakfast where we all get to sit together." It's about being together.

Nick: Ah, okay. Okay.

Leah: So once we have the understanding these aren't breakfast people, that's not how they do their mornings, they have all these other things going, if I need breakfast, I can make it for myself and sit there. "If we wanted to plan, I would love to get to sit with you one last time before we head out. May I—" or, "How does it sound if I cook us a breakfast at 8:00 am and we all just sit there for a second together?"

Nick: Okay. If we frame it as a togetherness adventure and not as an eating adventure. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

Leah: Because that's what I think at the heart of it it is.

Nick: No.

Leah: Otherwise you could just grab food out of the fridge.

Nick: I think it's about breakfast, I kind of think it's just about breakfast. [laughs] I think it's just like, "I'm hungry in the morning and, like, there's no food in the house."

Leah: Well, there is food in the house.

Nick: And your thing is nice. Like, I like the sentiment of where you're going with that. Yeah. I hope that's what it is, but it just feels like, oh, no, there's no eggs in the house. So, like, what are we supposed to eat?

Leah: I think there are eggs. She just feels rude going through somebody else's food, which I think they're telling you, "Don't feel rude, just get in there."

Nick: Have at it, yeah.

Leah: But if it is about being together, I would say it in that way. "I would love to get to spend 15, 20, 30 more minutes with you. Is that possible? I'll cook the breakfast."

Nick: Yes. Or, "We're gonna be making waffles and eggs for ourselves. What do you like to have for breakfast, if anything?" I think we can also sort of have that conversation. But I don't like the idea of basically saying, like, "Oh, we brought food. Does tomorrow at eight work for everyone?" Because that sort of dictates that breakfast is happening, and I kind of want more of a conversation and more of a consensus on this.

Leah: Yeah. And I feel like our letter-writer is actually just throwing that out as a way to try to alleviate work for them, but I think that that's not the way to present it.

Nick: Right.

Leah: Because they're clearly just not breakfast people.

Nick: Yeah. And their idea of breakfast is just like, whatever they do have in the house, which is probably, you know, some milk and granola and maybe that's what it is, in which case that's fine. It's not gonna be more elaborate than that.

Leah: So I feel like we've really presented every single option.

Nick: [laughs] Yes. So I think the question is: is this about breakfast or is this about something else? Are there other layers here? And if it's just about breakfast, yeah, I mean, fend for yourself.

Leah: And if it's about community, I think we just bring it up in advance. "I would just love to get to see you one more time before we leave."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: "How does ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. And what do you like? Would this work for you?" And then otherwise, just cook breakfast for yourself.

Nick: Yeah, I think that's the solution here.

Leah: Well, I also think it makes a difference, you know, is this a work school day or is this a weekend?

Nick: Oh, that's a very good point.

Leah: So I do think it makes a difference. If it's a work school day, I think everybody's just doing what they can to get out of the house.

Nick: Right. But yeah, if it's a oh, it's Sunday morning and we're doing the crossword and it's leisurely, then yeah, okay.

Leah: So I think it definitely depends also on the day of the week.

Nick: Yes, this is a crucial detail. So our next question is quote, "I want to preface by saying I enjoy writing thank-you notes. Especially when I'm having a bad day, handwriting a note of gratitude helps me feel a bit better and hopefully brings some brightness to the recipient. My question is this: sometimes the mail will bounce back, and my thank-you note will not have been received. Sometimes the bounce back is delayed by several weeks to several months, so the person thinks that I haven't sent a note at all. What do you do in this situation? Do you write a new note? Do you mention that you wrote one before and it bounced back? Do you just drop the previous thank-you note into a new envelope and resend? This way they open the outside envelope and find the original bounce back envelope inside. How do you handle this?"

Leah: I feel like I ...

Nick: Yeah?

Leah: ... would text my friend, "Hey, I sent you something in the mail. It got bounced back. Can I double check your address?"

Nick: Yeah, for sure. So then they're like, "Oh, my address is blah, blah, blah. I've moved." So now what do you do?

Leah: I would actually pop the envelope that got bounced back into another envelope and send it.

Nick: Yes. Definitely I want credit for that original note.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Absolutely. 100 percent. Yes, I do not want that to go unknown. So yes, I would definitely put the original note unopened with all the markings and all the stickers from the Postal Service and all of that in a new envelope, and I would actually put a new note with it, even just like a post-it note, which is like, "Oh golly, looks like the Postal Service has bad manners." And then I would just, like, put that in a new envelope and send it to you, for sure.

Leah: So I think we solved it.

Nick: Well, one thing that you should also do, though, is you should send a text message or an email to someone who does something nice for you just immediately after that thing is done in addition to sending a handwritten note. I think so often people only do one or the other, and it's sort of like, oh, no, no. You can and should do both. The thank-you note in the mail is nice because that showed you took the time and that's what's gonna have the big impact, but it is nice to acknowledge quickly as well. And it is not gonna be a problem to say thank you more than once. So after you're invited to a dinner party, the next morning be like, "Thank you so much for last night. Had such a great time. Can't wait to get together with you again." Then you also send the note. The benefit of this is if that note in the mail gets lost or delayed, you've still covered your etiquette bases.

Leah: I want to say I agree with that. I just didn't know that was on the table as something to talk about.

Nick: [laughs] Okay.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: It's on the table. And I would also note it is very important to develop the reputation as someone who sends thank-you notes promptly, because if something like this happens to you, you will be given the benefit of the doubt. Like, if you sent me a gift, Leah, and you did not get a thank-you note in the mail from me, your first thought would not be, "Oh, Nick didn't send me a thank-you note."

Leah: No, my first thought would be, "He's been murdered."

Nick: [laughs] Right! "Something horrible has happened!" Yes. And that's what I want. That is one of the benefits of having a reputation as someone who does send thank-you notes promptly, because I will always be given the benefit of the doubt. Either I've been murdered or the postal service has lost it. One or the other.

Leah: One or the other.

Nick: But either way, you won't think I'm a bad, rude person.

Leah: Well, this is very apropos for today, because Nick is so timely that at our meet time, 60 seconds later I hadn't heard from you, and I looked at my phone and I thought, I know the rules.

Nick: Don't tell people I was late today.

Leah: No, I'm gonna say what it is.

Nick: Why are you—people should think I'm always perfect.

Leah: You're always—no, you are perfect. You weren't late. But I go ...

Nick: 60 seconds is late. 60 seconds is late.

Leah: I literally thought to myself, "I'm waiting two more minutes, and then I'm calling the police because I know ..."

Nick: Yes. That is why I'm always on time.

Leah: I clocked it. I go, "Two more minutes and then I'm calling someone. I'm calling the building."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: And it was like at 61 seconds, you were like, "I'm here." And I was like, "Okay." Because I already had 911 on speed dial. I mean, everybody does, but I was ready.

Nick: No, I appreciate a wellness check at 61 seconds. I think that's appreciated.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So ...

Leah: Imagine if I called. I'd be like, "He's three minutes late. I'm sure he's been kidnapped."

Nick: Oh, no. My doorman would be totally happy to check because they're like, "Oh, that does sound wrong!"

Leah: That does sound wrong!

Nick: Yeah. No, absolutely. Please. So do you have questions for us about anything? Let us know! You can let us know through our website WereYouRaisedByWolves.com or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW.

Nick: And we're back. And now it's time to play a game we like to call Vent or Repent.

Leah: Vent or repent!

Nick: Which is our opportunity to vent about some bad etiquette experience we've had recently. Or we can repent for some etiquette faux pas we've committed. So Leah, would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: I'm gonna vent.

Nick: Okay.

Leah: I just—I feel like ...

Nick: There was a hesitation.

Leah: I really feel like I should be repenting.

Nick: Not if you haven't done anything wrong.

Leah: [laughs] But I'm sure I have, and I just don't know. So I would like to silently repent for all the things I've done that I'm unaware of.

Nick: Well, any listeners, if you've seen Leah Bonnema out and about in Hollywood and she did something rude, let me know and then we'll ask her to repent for it.

Leah: I do not like that idea at all, because that is actually—I worry about that every time I do something weird, I think ...

Nick: Oh, yeah, I can't leave the house now.

Leah: "I hope there's not a listener here."

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: Because I feel like it would have let everybody down. I'm trying my best is what I'm telling everybody. I'm sure I make mistakes. I'm really trying.

Nick: All we can hope. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, don't hold us to a higher standard than anybody else.

Leah: I also think that after listening to me, I should be held to a lower standard because, you know, it's just so much chaos in this brain.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, we're all doing our best. All right, Leah. Would you like to vent or repent?

Leah: That's exactly what it is. I'm venting because this person was not trying their best. You know, you try your best sometimes when it's—this is a not trying their best situation.

Nick: Hmm. Okay.

Leah: And I do feel like when I was in New York, most of my vents were around the subway, and here most of my vents are around driving. Here we go again.

Nick: Yeah.

Leah: So I was out very early. I've been trying to get up very early to exercise. I was driving up the street, and this man who looked like he was going to work, you know, suit, not somebody who was out all night and, you know, was stumbling home. This was a person who was—had their coffee, was awake. He starts walking across the road. There's no—there was no crosswalk here, there was no light. He's walking in the middle of the street, in the middle of the road. I think, you know, it's a beautiful morning. We're all up. Let's be polite to our fellow up early people.

Nick: Mm-hmm.

Leah: I put on my brakes because I was driving down the road as it was the road.

Nick: Sure.

Leah: Of which one drives. I put on my brakes. I roll down my window and I—you know, I wave, "You go ahead," smile on my face. Not like are you just walking?

Nick: Okay. Very small town courtesy.

Leah: Yes. He then scowls, not directly at me, but just scowls, and then just walks right in front of my car without acknowledging in any way that I have let him pass at a place where it's not for him to walk. And on top of that, I'm smiling. I'm like, good morning-ing him. And he just sort of had that look like, "I should be able to walk here." And just the rudeness of people that you let go—they don't have the right of way. You're not at a crosswalk. You're not at a light. I'm stopping. I'm smiling. I'm letting you go, and then you're gonna not even acknowledge me?

Nick: Yeah. Although, I mean ...

Leah: Don't take his side!

Nick: [laughs] I mean, I can see it's a little creepy that here's this woman bouncing down the street with a weird, creepy smile on her face and, like, waving very early in the morning at me. Like, are you a serial killer? Like, I don't know who this woman is.

Leah: Let me reset it. He was gonna walk in front of my car regardless. He was expecting me to stop.

Nick: Right. Okay.

Leah: But I was just polite about it. I was like, "Okay, you go ahead. Maybe you have an important meeting. You're in your head." Whatever.

Nick: Yeah. No, that's rude. Yeah, it's entitled and rude, and that's not how you want to start your day.

Leah: And I don't really like that you were gonna give him the benefit of the doubt on this that I look like a serial killer.

Nick: Well, it just—I can see that in a larger city, like, small town courtesies can strike people the wrong way, you know? If you just, like, make small talk with a stranger on the street in New York City, like, that's not what we do here, so that does come across as, like, a little strange. So I would imagine in Los Angeles, something similar might be happening.

Leah: I just meant that when I let him go, I wasn't letting him go with a face that was like, "I hate you!" I was just like, "Oh, have a great morning." You know what I mean? I wasn't like, "Hey, come over for tea. Let's be friends." It was none of that.

Nick: [laughs] Right.

Leah: I was just polite. And then he was ...

Nick: Rude.

Leah: Beyond rude. I just think, what is he contributing? I'm sure he's like this all the time. "I deserve to go. When you stop your time and let me go, I'm not even gonna acknowledge it because I'm a monster."

Nick: Yeah. Well, I'm sorry that happened to you.

Leah: I mean, are you? You took his side initially, which next week that's gonna be my vent.

Nick: Wow! All right, well, content opportunity.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Well, for this week, I would like to also vent. And so I was recently in California visiting family, and I was on the airporter bus, which takes you from the airport to Marin County. And when you get on this bus, there is an announcement like, let's not be on our cell phone, everybody. Like, only make a call if you have to, if it's necessary, if it's logistical. But, like, let's not be on our phone. And we all know this. This is just, like, how it is. It's how it's always been on this bus. So we are cooking along. We're driving through San Francisco, making our way through Golden Gate Park. And I hear a phone call several rows behind me, and I'm thinking like, oh, I'm sure this is brief. This is just about pick up, where you want to get the taxi. This is something important and necessary and time sensitive. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Nick: This is about barbecue planning. And this is about some conversation with, I guess, a sister maybe about, like, oh, do you have the tablecloths from last year or do I have them? And, like, what are we gonna do about potato salad this year? And does anybody eat kale? Should we do kale? A lot of this. A lot of this happening. And so I'm now making eye contact with, like, all the other passengers and we're all, like, rolling our eyes and we're like, we all heard the announcement. We all know what should be happening. This is not something that should be happening. What are we gonna do about it?

Nick: So I turn around to do, like, the eye contact, like, "Oh, are you on your phone? What's happening?" You know, that turn that we do at the theater or—like, it's just subtle, but it's sort of like a, "Oh, I want to just check in with you about what is happening now." So I have turned around and I'm trying to catch her eye, but she's looking out the window, so I'm actually not able to, like, catch her eye. Now the person that she's with seated next to her, he sees me trying to catch her eye and he gets upset with me.

Leah: Oh!

Nick: And he realizes that I'm about to call her out for being on her phone. And he is, like, trying to defend her honor in this moment. That's the vibe I'm getting.

Leah: Wow!

Nick: And I'm still trying to catch her eye. And I'm being very nice about it. Like, I just have a very neutral expression, and I'm being very nice about it. But he then four rows back yells, "She's on the phone with her doctor. It's an important phone call." And it's like, oh, that is not true, sir. [laughs]

Leah: We all heard "potato salad."

Nick: Like, yeah, unless she has an emergency potato salad surgery planned for this weekend at the barbecue, I don't think that was the doctor. Unless maybe her sister is a doctor. That could be true. But what he was trying to imply was that, oh, this is an important medical phone call, which is authorized because this is an exception to the don't be on your cell phone rule. It's medical. So he says this, and I'm like, that's—that's the end of the road for me. I'm not gonna go further with this. And so I just like mouthed, like, "Oh, okay. Cool. Great. All right." Then I turned around and, like, we're fine. But it's sort of like, don't—what? No. No, don't do that.

Leah: We all heard "tablecloths."

Nick: We all heard the whole thing.

Leah: We all heard it. We all—it wasn't—yeah, you're not being subtle, and now you've just lied and, like, oh, now you just made it so much worse.

Leah: Told a falsehood publicly.

Nick: Public falsehood! Yes. A fib.

Leah: A fib!

Nick: A demonstrable fib.

Leah: He's a fibber!

Nick: He is a fibber. Yes. And so I didn't love this. I didn't love that, like, he tried to make me feel bad about what was happening, which is a classic ruder technique.

Leah: Classic!

Nick: You know, people who are rude try to turn it around on you. I will not be intimidated by that.

Leah: I wish the whole bus had joined with you and yelled, "Fibber! Fibber!"

Nick: [laughs] Yes!

Leah: "We heard the tablecloths! We heard it!"

Nick: So I don't know what to do with these types of people. We just have to let them go through their world in this way. We cannot make them better people.

Leah: It's nice that they found each other. The two ruders found each other.

Nick: Actually, there is a lid for every pot. That is true. Yes.

Leah: I thought the story was just going to be about her. And then it escalated.

Nick: No! She, I think, is actually the least of the problem here.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. She—and she's no longer the problem. He's the problem.

Leah: Oh, to yell it forward.

Nick: Yeah, isn't that wild? To yell it!

Leah: Unbelievable!

Nick: So Leah, what have we learned?

Leah: I learned that we like our green beans the same way.

Nick: I also learned that. And that you're also eating them correctly, which I'm delighted by.

Leah: I think blows everybody's mind.

Nick: Well, thank you, Leah.

Leah: Thank you, Nick.

Nick: And thanks to you out there for listening. I'd send you a handwritten note on my custom stationery if I could.

Leah: He would!

Nick: So for your homework this week, do you want to know what we look like? Well, there's video of us on all of our socials, which you can see. So go follow us on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook, and see these adorable videos that we're posting. And you can see what we look like.

Leah: I feel like that sounds so weird. "Do you want to know what we look like when we're saying words?"

Nick: I mean, I think it might be charming because maybe you don't know what we look like if you only listen to us. So for better or for worse, you can see what we look like.

Leah: I mean, it's to put a face to the voices.

Nick: And I think that's very nice. So please follow us on all the socials and we'll see you next time!

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

Nick: All right, Leah. It's time for Cordials of Kindness, the part of the show that you make us do but only give you 30 seconds to do it. Ready, set, go!

Leah: So I would like to do a huge cordials of kindness to my new Runyon dog-walking friends who I've become closer and closer to: Harry Potter and Harry Potter's human Helen and Honey and Honey's human Rene and I—you know, I see them—I think I've talked about this multiple times. I see these people so much more than now where we're texting and we're meeting up, and we're—all of our dogs are friends, and it's such a delight. It's such a delight!

Nick: Oh, well see, that's a group text I can get behind.

Leah: [laughs] Yes.

Nick: And for me, I want to read a nice email we just got, which is quote, "My daughter just got married, and our reception for the 12 of us was at a really fancy lodge. And because of you and your show, I knew which fork to use, what to do with my napkin when finished, and how to signal to the waiter that I was done with my food by my fork and knife placement. I love your show, and it has helped me so much in so many situations. You all are the best."

Leah: That is so lovely!

Nick: Isn't that nice? I mean, it really makes my day to hear that the stuff we've talked about is actually useful to anybody. Like, that is so delightful to know that, like, oh, we've actually helped people.

Leah: I love the idea that we would have alleviated some kind of anxiety.

Nick: Yeah. No, it's so great. So thank you for this. This makes my day.

Leah: Thank you!