Drinking Abandoned Sodas, Skipping Destination Weddings, Squeezing into Revolving Doors, and More

Nick: Hey, everybody. It's Nick Leighton.

Leah: And I'm Leah Bonnema.

Nick: And we had so many great questions from you all in the wilderness ...

Leah: [howls]

Nick: That we have a bonus episode. So here we go. Our first question is, quote, "I have to repent. There have been two LaCroix sitting in the work fridge for more than a year unclaimed. I drank one of them today. Can I just replace this LaCroix with the same flavor on Monday?" So first question, though, is it LaCroix? I know people say it in many different ways. And to me, I say it the way that they say it on AbFab. LaCroix, sweetie. LaCroix.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So that's how I would say it. But people say, like, "Lacroix."

Leah: Lacroix. I say Lacroix.

Nick: Right? You say Lacroix?

Leah: But I recognize that LaCroix would also be correct.

Nick: Yes! LaCroix, sweetie. LaCroix. So regardless, I've actually never had this beverage.

Leah: Are you serious?

Nick: Well, I mean, when would this come up for me? I'm not gonna buy it.

Leah: Oh, I ...

Nick: And they don't serve it on, like, an airplane.

Leah: It's probably my most drunken drink.

Nick: Okay, so what is it all about? Why is it such a craze? It's just like sparkling water with, like, a hint of flavor?

Leah: It's—what it is, is that it's the correct amount of "hint." Some sparkling beverages, the taste is so strong, and it's often very sort of chemically on the back of your tongue tasty. You know what I mean?

Nick: Okay. Metallic or artificial.

Leah: Yes. And you're like, "Eww!" And Lacroix or LaCroix just kind of sprinkles it in. It just sprinkles it in so nice.

Nick: I see. It's just a suggestion of pamplemousse.

Leah: Yes!

Nick: Okay.

Leah: A pamplemousse or the peach pear, oh!

Nick: Un peu.

Leah: Un petit peu de peach pear.

Nick: I see. [laughs]

Leah: And there is one flavor that we had to immediately get out of our house. And we put, you know, a little sign that says "Free to new home," because we buy it in large ...

Nick: Okay, go to Costco.

Leah: Yeah, but ...

Nick: What flavor?

Leah: I don't know if I can say this, but the coconut. The coconut goes against the whole LaCroix of sprinkling in the flavor. The coconut tastes like you're drinking sun lotion. It is—oof!

Nick: Okay, not for you. So if we had a nickel for every complaint we got about office fridges, we would have a lot of nickels. So I think we can agree it's rude to eat someone else's food, right? Like, it's a baseline. That's a baseline rule.

Leah: Yeah, it's a jumping off point.

Nick: Yeah. But I feel like a year? A year? If somebody came to you and was like,"Did you drink my soda that I've had there for a year?" And you were like, "Yes." Like, do you really have a leg to stand on there? I feel like there is an expiration date.

Leah: There definitely is, and I think the fact that you're just gonna replace it Monday, totally fine. And then you'll probably drink that one and then replace it again.

Nick: Oh, yeah, you could do that. I mean, definitely it's been abandoned. I think it's been abandoned. But if we think it hasn't been, and we're sure that these are the exact same cans, that someone else isn't just bringing in new cans every day, like, we know that that's not the case. Then I think what we could do is we send an announcement—oh, because what is bonkers about this office is that we have no rules about cleaning out the fridge? That the fridge can actually exist in a state of perpetual chaos? That there's no Friday at five clean up like normal offices? Like, what is happening? Why is this lawless? So I feel like I would send an email to the office and be like, "Hey, everybody, I'm gonna clean out the fridge at five on Friday. So take anything out by then, or make sure it has your name and a date on it or, like, something." And then if these LaCroix are still there at 5:01, then they're yours to keep.

Leah: I mean, I feel like you covered all of it.

Nick: Right? Yeah. There's nothing left on the table, yeah. But yeah, I think something that's nonperishable like this, yeah, I think go for it after a year. Sure.

Leah: But I do like the idea of replacing it on Monday.

Nick: I like the idea of replacing it, but if it's been abandoned, then this replacement is going to be there as well forever.

Leah: But then you can just drink it at the end of the week again.

Nick: Then we would just drink it at the end of the week.

Leah: Well, no. Then I would just keep replacing it and drinking it myself, you know?

Nick: Wait. Forever?

Leah: Forever until I switch offices.

Nick: And then will we leave the cans on your way out, or would you take them with you?

Leah: Then we would leave the cans.

Nick: I see. So the idea is that this fridge requires two cans of LaCroix at all times.

Leah: Yeah, just to keep it—its essence.

Nick: Well, it's sort of like the essence of LaCroix in the fridge ...

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: ... is like the essence of the flavor in the LaCroix. Oh, it's so beautiful!

Leah: So beautiful.

Nick: Okay, so I think it's nice that you repented, but I think you're in the clear.

Leah: I think so, too.

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "What's the etiquette surrounding renting a vacation house with friends? With most friends, we all research houses, share what we found, agree on dates and cost and then reserve. But with one friend, we agreed to research, and then the next thing I knew, I had a voicemail saying "We're booked." I was annoyed that I had no input. She said she thought I'd be happy that she handled it. I'd love your thoughts. PS: We never went on the trip together."

Leah: A) I feel like there's so much in between the question and the PS that I wish that we had gotten.

Nick: Oh yeah. No, there's a little chapter in the middle that is missing here, yeah.

Leah: What a PS. PS!

Nick: Yeah, "We were gonna go on a vacation, and now we're not friends."

Leah: Yeah. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, that's it. [laughs] So when I read this question, my first thought was like, "Who am I today?" Because, like, a lot of times, my feeling about certain things kind of just depends on my mood. Like, am I caffeinated enough? Have I rested? Am I in a good mood or not? So for this, I don't know. Like, I definitely make decisions all day long, and I'm handling logistics and I'm trying to stay precise, and I'm trying to make sure, like, life happens. And so there is something very nice about someone else booking a vacation for me and just telling me how much it is, where I got to show up. Like, I do like that idea that, like, oh, someone did take care of it all. And how wonderful. So part of me is like, "Oh, I like that." I don't like that there was, like, no input and, like, that wasn't our deal, though. So I think there was an error there to just assume that me booking it was okay without any conversation.

Leah: Yeah, I think that if you're gonna book something, I think the standard is, in general, people do where they share the research, they talk about dates, they go back and forth. And if you're not gonna do that, then there's a conversation. "If I see something good, should I just book it?" "Yes."

Nick: Or be like, "I'm happy with these dates. I am happy to spend up to, you know, $500, so then have at it. I trust your taste."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Just tell me where to send the money and when to show up. Like, that's a world we could live in if we had that conversation.

Leah: If we had the conversation. Or your friend could have said, "Hey, I saw this, I booked it. I can still get full refund. It's full refund within so many hours, but I just wanted to hold it as a placeholder. What do you think?"

Nick: I like that. Yes, I like that.

Leah: And then I definitely think that if our letter writer had said, "Oh, I was annoyed," or "Hey, I wanted to have input," and then the person just responded with, "Oh, I thought you would have been happy," then that's not cool.

Nick: That is not cool. It's a little defensive, and it's not a good excuse for doing a bad thing. Right. I mean, I can see the other side, though. The friend was like, "No good deed goes unpunished. I did all this research and all this work, and I took care of it. I put it on my own credit card and they're not grateful." So I can see that that's what that person is thinking.

Leah: Yeah, but then the answer to that person is like, nobody asked you to. We were doing a group thing, and how would you know how much we wanted to spend, the days we were going, where we wanted to go?

Nick: Yeah. So my guess is that the "I thought you'd be happy," that conversation did not end well.

Leah: Mm. Mm-mm.

Nick: And so our letter writer is like, "Well, I'm not gonna go then."

Leah: And then we got that PS, which we would love the chapters in the middle.

Nick: So I think in general, yeah, I think if you're gonna book a vacation, everyone needs to be on the same page, because also, if you're not on the same page during the booking part, the actual vacation is gonna be real rough.

Leah: Absolutely. And I think our letter writer is totally correct to be—I don't think they use this word, but "annoyed" by it. Oh, they did. "I was annoyed."

Nick: They use the word, yes. [laughs]

Leah: They did. There it is. I think our letter writer is absolutely correct to be annoyed.

Nick: Yeah. So be annoyed.

Leah: Well, clearly you were, because you didn't go on the trip.

Nick: Yeah, and I feel like they probably aren't friends anymore.

Leah: I definitely think—I get what you're saying about how you love to be—sometimes it's nice to have somebody else just take care of it.

Nick: Absolutely. And I have a lot of times—I mean, usually it's for lower stake things like dinner and be like, "Hey, let's do dinner. Just tell me where to be and when in New York City. Any cuisine is fine, any budget. Just like, tell me where to be and, like, I'll be there. And just send me the iCal invite." And so that's fine. And I've done vacations where sort of like, let's go somewhere. Like, here are the parameters. Have at it.

Leah: And I just think the difference is that that's the conversation before, and obviously that didn't happen. Everybody thought they were researching.

Nick: Yes. No, I don't want to get a text and be like, "I booked a trip to Bhutan, guys." Okay, send me your credit card." It's like, no, that's not how that works.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: So our next question is, quote, "Along with some colleagues, I'm taking a couple of clients to dinner. I believe both of them are members of the LDS Church, whose members do not drink alcohol. I'm not an LDS member, nor are my colleagues. Must we abstain from having a glass of wine at dinner out of respect, or is it okay for us to drink even if they don't? Mind you, I'm talking about a glass or two of wine, not a round of tequila shots. I don't want to offend them or appear to disrespect their beliefs, but ultimately their beliefs are not my beliefs."

Leah: I think it's absolutely fine. You're going out to dinner.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah. But before we get there. So LDS refers to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and often referred to as Mormons. The church would actually prefer people to not use that term or the abbreviation LDS. They would rather you call members "Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints," or just "Latter Day Saints," or "Members of the Church of Jesus Christ." So that's what I know from members that I know, this is the preferred way to refer to this group of people. So I think you are correct. I think, generally speaking, it would be okay to drink around members, because my understanding—and correct me if I'm wrong, we have a lot of listeners who are members—is that my drinking around members does not affect their ability to keep the word of wisdom, which is part of why they don't drink alcohol or hot coffee or, like, other things. And so I think if you're gonna dine out and you are the host, and that's you're hosting in a restaurant or you hosting in your own home and you want to drink a glass of wine, I think most members would be fine with that. I think if you are a guest in their home, though, or they're hosting you, I think maybe, maybe abstain would be a better move. So that's kind of how I'd navigate that. Like, don't put alcohol on their tab. Or don't, like, have alcohol in their home. I feel like maybe that's a line we don't want to maybe cross unless you know them well.

Leah: Yeah, I think that's a very nice line.

Nick: Although, religion aside, I think when you are entertaining clients, if the client is not drinking, I don't think you really want to drink. I think that's never a great strategy. I feel like when you're doing, like, business entertaining, I think we want a very low standard deviation of how intoxicated people are. And we want everybody clustered around the mean. So we want everybody having a couple of glasses of wine. We want nobody drinking. Like, we don't want to have some people doing tequila shots, and some people not drinking at, like, the business dinner. I think that doesn't often end well. So I would say, regardless of why they're not drinking, it would probably be best just, like, everybody to be on the same level.

Leah: And just know that if you're the one doing the tequila shots, the people who aren't drinking are gonna remember all of it. [laughs]

Nick: Well, and that's why having that low standard deviation? Very important. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So our next question is, quote, "My best friend from preschool through fourth grade is getting married in Europe. I haven't talked to her in over four years, and her wedding is two days before I start my grad school classes, so timing truly isn't on my side. I also don't really want to go. Am I expected to buy a nicer or more expensive item from the registry since I'm not attending? I'm planning on getting her a nicer gift, but are there any rules about it?"

Leah: I just put, "No."

Nick: [laughs] I want to quote Dwight Eisenhower.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence by the wedding industrial complex."

Leah: I feel like you added that last part, I don't know if Dwight ...

Nick: I think he was talking about the wedding industrial complex. No? I have to go back and look. So no, you don't have to buy—no. No. And well, so I mean, oh, where to start? First of all, I think every wedding host in the world would like you to not go to a wedding if you don't want to go. They would so much rather give your seat to somebody else. So if you don't want to go to a wedding, don't go. Don't go.

Leah: Absolutely.

Nick: And you're under no obligation to go. As Miss Manners often says, a wedding invitation is not a subpoena, so you can decline. And you don't have to give reasons for it, which is I don't want to go. You can just say, like, "I'm so sorry, I can't attend. I wish you all the best." That's all that needs to be said.

Leah: I think that's great. I feel like all of us at home are taking down notes. Exactly. "So sorry I can't attend. Wish you all the best."

Nick: Right? Yes. You don't have to give excuses for why you can't go to something. And that's weddings, but that's everything else. No excuses are ever required. Just, "I'm so sorry, I can't attend. I hope it's a beautiful day." Like, that's it.

Leah: I love it.

Nick: And there is no obligation to get a gift if you're not attending a wedding. But that's not required. And if you want to give a gift, have at it. That's fine. There's no rules about how much you should spend, whether or not you’re attending or not. And there's no relationship between the dollar amount of the wedding and how much you're spending. Like, if it's a $5,000 dollar a person, very fancy seat at dinner at the Pierre Hotel in New York City, or it's a backyard barbecue, The gift you want to give should be identical.

Leah: I feel like I know this about you through multiple episodes, and you've come in hard on just make it a personal gift regardless of price.

Nick: Yes! Think about all the gifts you've ever received in your life, and the ones that you remember are the thoughtful ones, the ones that had something behind it. It wasn't the glassware from Crate and Barrel.

Leah: No, it was that car. No, just kidding. [laughs]

Nick: I mean, if you want to register at Tesla, okay.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: But really, I mean, I think ...

Leah: No, of course. I absolutely—it's the ones that really match you, that person really thought about it.

Nick: Ideally, yes. And the whole point of the wedding gift is like, oh, I want to help do something to help mark this moment.

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Like, that's kind of what it's about. And so we want to mark that moment ideally with something that is memorable and thoughtful and sort of marks the moment. So for me, I think that's always what I would go to with a gift.

Leah: I would say "Or helpful."

Nick: Sure, okay.

Leah: Like, if they're starting—because I think a lot of times is they're starting a new life together in this new place. What would be helpful or nice?

Nick: Yes, I think if they are creating a new household. Okay, sure. Yeah. But you just want to do something that is marking the moment and has some thought behind it, ideally. I mean, don't get me wrong, a registry is great, especially for people you don't know well or know what they need, or it's just easy to, like, log on, click, it gets shipped. My credit card is done. It took me five seconds. Like, there is a convenience to guests. And that's very mindful of guests' time and feelings too. So, like, there's a place for this. I'm not anti-registry, but there's no obligation.

Leah: Well, I feel like you summed it up.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, I have very strong feelings about ...

Leah: I mean, once you bring in Dwight Eisenhower, I think we all know.

Nick: Yeah. No, it's once you go Dwight, you never go back. Our next question is, quote, "I am the co-president of a high school band boosters' association. There are about 220 parents who are technically members of our group, but as with most volunteer organizations, there's a much smaller subset that actually contributes their time and effort on a regular basis. As a result, these are the parents who I've come to know well and consider my friends. I wanted to have a party for my close band parent friends, and organized a casual party at my home for about 20 of them, which coincidentally is about the number who regularly volunteer their time and effort for our organization. But really, it was just the 20-ish people that I know well and wanted to have over.

Nick: " I couldn't invite all 220 band parents to my home, and I did not promote this as an official band boosters event, though I have to admit, the term "band parents party" was thrown around. When some of the invited parents inevitably posted pics on social media, there were hurt feelings from parents who weren't invited. Some posted comments about us being a clique that excluded others. Was I wrong to host a party that did not include all the parents? How could I have handled this better?"

Leah: I feel like the answer I'm about to give ...

Nick: Oh! Ooh, I can't wait!

Leah: My thoughts on this, for people who are new to the show and haven't heard all the episodes where I struggle to make sure everybody feels good, they're gonna think I'm coming in hard on this.

Nick: Okay. [laughs]

Leah: But I really think it's a little ridiculous that people would think that you would invite—you're gonna invite all 220 people to your house?

Nick: Oh, twist! Oh, Leah Bonnema!

Leah: I mean, it's just these are the people who show up all the time. You wanted to do a nice party. You didn't call it the "band parents party." How can you be responsible for everybody who posts stuff on social media? Also, do you know how many parties I haven't gotten invited to, and I see pictures of on social media?

Nick: Oh, sure.

Leah: You know what I do? I just think, "Oh, well." You know what I mean? You just move on. We're adults. We can't get invited to everything.

Nick: Yes. You should not expect to get invited to everything. And when you see pictures of a party you weren't invited to, you be like, "It didn't look that good." Yeah.

Leah: [laughs] You just like it, you say "So fun," and then you move on.

Nick: "Oh, my goodness! Everybody looks great. I'm not bitter." Well, here's the thing. I'm reading maybe between the lines. Part of me feels like we had this party to make a point that only some people are pulling their weight around here, and a lot of you aren't. And so I kind of think that this was designed to send a signal to all the people that were not invited.

Leah: Whoo! But then in which case, they actually achieved it. So why were we writing the question? You got exactly what you wanted.

Nick: Well, because I think it probably blew up in a way that they thought was not expected. I don't think they expected the pushback that they got.

Leah: I love how you read between the lines. I never would have got that.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, that's a little cynical, but that's the world we live in. So I feel like that's on the table.

Leah: Okay. I can see that that would be on the table, but was I wrong to host a party that did not include the parents, all the parents? You couldn't have. You have a house big enough for 220 people? I don't think so.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah.

Leah: So what, are you not going to have a party at all? I mean, you didn't call it—as long as you didn't call it "band party," if it's just some people coming over. I understand feeling bad. And I think on some other days I may come in differently on this. But the fact is, is that what are you gonna do? Never have parties because everybody can't be happy. I mean, it's just unworkable. I mean, I guess you could ask people not to post. You could say, "Hey, I couldn't invite everybody because of numbers. Please don't post."

Nick: Oh, that—I mean good luck with that.

Leah: But I mean, so what's the other option? No party?

Nick: Well, I think the idea is let's have a party, but make it a party and not only people that are part of the band.

Leah: So you should randomly throw in people that are in other parts of your life to make it look good.

Nick: Right. Yeah, throw in Jasper from down the street. Yeah, invite Aunt Karen. Sure. No, I mean, that's not realistic either. Okay. I'm just grasping at straws.

Leah: No, but I see what you're saying. I see—no, it is hard because it's like, I get why people feel bad, but also you can't invite 220 people, especially people that show up, like ...

Nick: But then who makes the cut and who doesn't make the cut? Like, why was I not invited?

Leah: Well, obviously you weren't invited because they don't like you as much, and you don't show up to all the meetings. I mean, that's just life. That's just life.

Nick: That's true. It is just life, yeah. One idea is that we have to create a thing called the "Executive Committee." And this is a group of band parents in the booster's association that does the stuff. And so we call that group the "Executive Committee." And so this party was for the executive committee members. And if you want to be in the executive committee, how wonderful! These are the things that you have to do. And if you don't, then no problem. But then you don't get to come to the party at my house. So I think that would be one way out of this in the future.

Leah: Yep. I mean, I see that.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, because I think, yeah, I mean, my house is only so big. And grow up, people. Yeah, you can't go to everything.

Leah: I think this is unfortunately one of the downfalls of social media, is that people often feel bad. You know what I mean?

Nick: Oh, yeah. It's designed for FOMO. Sure, absolutely. And I have noticed that the people that are always bent out of shape about not being invited to things are the people who never host anything. And it's like, you cannot expect to be a guest all the time if you never host. So next time you are feeling aggrieved that you're left out of something, think: when was the last time I hosted something? When was the last time I invited people to do stuff? Yeah. Never? Okay, well then, you know, check yourself.

Leah: But I also think it's also, like, just not about you. Like, this person volunteers, probably does a lot of work. These are the people they see all the time. These are their close friends. That's who got invited. It's just not—so I think our host, I see why they feel bad. But also, I think you're allowed to invite the people that you spend your most time with. And if somebody came to me directly, I would say, "Oh, I absolutely understand why your feelings would be hurt. I'm sorry. You know, obviously, I don't have that much space. I just invited the people that I ..."

Nick: If somebody was so bold as to reach out to you directly to ask why they were not invited to something, which PS: is not something you should ever do. You should never confront the host about why you did not receive an invitation. Ever.

Leah: I feel like some of these people are probably so bold if they're commenting on social media on people's photos.

Nick: Oh, yeah. No, these people are rude. Yeah, absolutely. It does happen. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I'm just saying you should never do it.

Leah: So were you gonna say what they should say if somebody reaches out to you directly?

Nick: Yeah. I mean, if somebody is so bold to do so, I guess you would just apologize and be like, "Unfortunately there was a capacity issue."

Leah: Yeah, I would just say that.

Nick: "But I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting."

Leah: Yeah.

Nick: Yeah, okay.

Leah: But I mean, they can't invite all the people. And they want to have the party, so ...

Nick: Then they needed a life.

Leah: [laughs]

Nick: [laughs] So our next thing is a vent, or maybe it's a request for some clarification. Quote, "Recently, my mother had an appointment at the hospital, and there's a large revolving door at the entrance—the kind that moves by itself, no pushing required. I left my mother in the waiting room and went out to bring the car around. And imagine my surprise when a man I didn't know stepped into the pie wedge with me. What? Yes, the wedges are large enough for more than one person, but really? I was already comfortable sharing a small space with a stranger, and it didn't help that the people in the wedge in front of us kept triggering the safety stop mechanism. When we finally escaped pie wedge purgatory, I moved as quickly as possible to get away from him. But was this an etiquette crime? What is the appropriate revolving door etiquette? I cannot fathom getting into a compartment with somebody I don't know.

Leah: I immediately thought of a friend of mine who's a great comedian. Her name is Erin Jackson. She has a joke about this, because it's one of her biggest pet peeves about somebody getting in behind her in the revolving door.

Nick: Yeah!

Leah: So I immediately thought of it. You get—yes, I find it—why would getting in with a stranger in a small compartment? That's—just wait for the next thing!

Nick: Yeah. I mean, one of the pillars of etiquette is being mindful of other people's space. And even though this was, I guess, sort of a bigger pie wedge kind of thing, maybe it's sort of like airport-sized. Still, I mean, this is not hundreds of square feet. Like, this is still cozy. And also not necessary. Like, wait two seconds for the next wedge to come around.

Leah: Two seconds.

Nick: Like, not even probably two seconds.

Leah: It's probably not even two seconds.

Nick: Yeah. I mean, come on. Like, you can wait. So, yeah, we will validate you. Absolutely.

Leah: Someday I would—it would just be so fun, not that I would ever do this, but how fun if somebody got behind you and you just turned around, you were like, "Really? That's what you want to do? Like, really? Why would you get in here with me?"

Nick: And I cannot tell you the number of times I have been in a revolving door, and there are people trying to get in blocking the entire exit.

Leah: Yes.

Nick: And you're like, "I have to go somewhere, people." And so I've actually had to loop around, go around again, because like, I can't exit this roundabout.

Leah: I feel like I don't often take revolving doors out of a fear that somebody will get in with me, and I'll just be like, I'm gonna go to the side where the push door is and not—obviously in hospitals, like, those are—hospitals and airports, it's mostly revolving doors. And I would think particularly in a hospital, where people are, like, dealing with health issues and coming and going, I would give people space.

Nick: Oh, yes! I mean, for so many reasons, yes.

Leah: So many reasons.

Nick: Yeah. No, personal space. Everybody has slightly different definitions of what constitutes adequate personal space.

Leah: Well, I think some people are just thinking about their space and not other people's. Ugh!

Nick: [laughs] So do you have a vent for us? Or a repent? Or some questions? Please send them to us. Send them to us through our website, WereYouRaisedByWolves.com, or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text message: (267) CALL-RBW. And we'll see you next time.

Leah: Bye!

Nick: Bye!